The Ocean

Shades of Deep Water – Death’s Threshold Review

Shades of Deep Water – Death’s Threshold Review

“It’s been a fair amount of time now since I first came across Death’s Threshold, the sophomore full-length for “J.H.’s” one-man funeral doom project, Shades of Deep Water, in the plentiful wastes that constitute the Promo Bin. I was astounded; funeral doom is a bit of a rarity, after all, and I would expect the vultures my coworkers to snatch up any errant scraps like, well, vultures. I hesitated only a moment before grabbing the album and absconding. After all, one does not simply listen to funeral doom.” Knee deep in doom.

Falls of Rauros – Patterns in Mythology Review

Falls of Rauros – Patterns in Mythology Review

“A wild Muppet appears! Maine is about as renowned for its black metal as it is for anything else that isn’t lobsters, blueberries, or Stephen King, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna trust my homelands trvest export alone with Arizonan Ne’er-do-well Grier; I’m worried that his review isn’t biased enough, yo. There’s also the tiniest, itsiest little bit ov a possibility that alcohol and boredom coaxed me into challenging the Assumed Non-doctrinaire to a medieval weapons duel for the reviewing rights.” Fight for the Falls.

Architects of Aeon – Koloss Review

Architects of Aeon – Koloss Review

“As a metal reviewer, I, every so often, have to describe the music I’m hearing. Using complex vocabulary, a plethora of unnecessary adjectives, and textures as real as your blind uncle’s toilet seat, I force you to feel, hear, and taste the album I’m reviewing. If you think that’s easy, you’re wrong. ‘Tis hard. Thankfully, for all you, I’m the master of my domain.” Touch nothing, hear everything.