“Before we begin, there is something that needs saying: Marta Gabriel kicks ass. And not because of Crystal Viper’s newest album, Queen of the Witches. No, she’s ruled since her first note on 2007’s The Curse of Crystal Viper. This may not be news to Viper fans, but someone needed to put it in writing.” And the Doctor is just the Medical Deviate to do it!
“Do you smell that? No? Breath deeper? Now do you smell it? Nope, it wasn’t me or the dog. That is the flatulence of another year. Forced out the sphincter of 2016, 2017 promises to be better than the worm-ridden large intestine it was shat from. Actually, twenty-seventeen doesn’t promise shit.” Doc loves the smell of blackened sphincter in the mourning.
“After first looking at the album art, I bet myself $5 that the most obvious comparison for Guerra Eterna would be Under the Sign of the Black Mark. I am now $5 richer (or poorer?).” Bask in the Bathory, if you dare.
“Soulburn, despite the lack of output over the last two decades, possesses quite the rich history. Starting off as the successor to death/doom overlords Asphyx in 1996 before they returned in 2010, drummer Bob Bagchus adopted the Soulburn name again in 2013 in a project featuring fellow Asphyx member Eric Daniels and Swedish one-man death-metal factory, Rogga Johansson.” No Rogga, no peace!
“Choosing what to do for Halloween is, in some sense, a lot like choosing how to be a metal band. You can try to deliberately frighten people, like Portal, be as provocative as possible, like Anal Cunt, flaunt your good feminine looks like the one member of Amaranthe anyone cares about, do something wacky and out-of-the-box like Troldhaugen, or you can throw on some old goblin mask and just go get drunk, loud and rowdy.” The goblins and ghosts are at the door.
“Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong decade. Every time I think back to the pop culture of the 90s, all I remember is boring daytime television and lazy post-grunge blaring on the radio. In contrast, the 80s seemed much more exciting — the jeans were tight, the horror movies were actually good, and extreme metal was first clawing its way into existence via stacks of battered demo tapes and tattered home-printed zines. Greek trio Principality of Hell apparently felt the same way.” It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times??
“Some marketing types like to talk about what they call fast followers, people who capitalize on an idea and make it better or more palatable shortly after the innovator puts out their original product, smartly getting someone else to test the waters for both the idea generally and the flaws in its initial execution. If this is true, then we can safely assume that the “Norwegian” Sons of Balaur weren’t created by competent marketers in a boardroom.” Black metal straight from Dexter’s Laboratory.
“Remember that awesome review of Barbatos’ Straight Metal War a year ago? Remember those silly lyrics and song titles? Remember checking out all the bands referenced because you’re a sick son of a bitch? Well, here’s Abigail, another one of Yasuyuki Suzuki’s sick and twisted metal outfits.” Have a bad taste in your mouth? Just wait….
“I’ve been prolonging the YMIO article for Sodom’s debut Obsessed by Cruelty for months now. All year I’ve been trying to come up with the words that would do it justice. What “justice” that may be depends on the listener’s perspective. To these ears, this thirty-year-old debut is one hot mess of an album. But now that Sodom’s newest release, Decision Day, is upon us, I find the courage to pull Obsessed from the stockades to give it another listen.” The obsession may be olde, but the sodomy still burns.
“If you are looking for groundbreaking speed metal, Nuke doesn’t have it. But it is exactly what you want from a speed-metal record and it has become the rebellious soundtrack to my sultry weekends. Once spun, you begin to hear the rolling thunder of domesticated, metal-head dads everywhere. They all roll out of bed on a Saturday morning, raise middle fingers to their front yards, and tell that unkempt grass to go fuck itself.” The Lawn Doctor is out!
