“Crylord as a word evokes the purest of sadboi feelings—songs of scoured hearts and drowned eyes. Rest assured, Boguslaw Balcerak’s Crylord will do anything for love, but not that. Human Heredity promises nothing more than a good time, despite the band moniker’s sorrowful suggestion. Rather, their light-hearted brand of arena-ready tunes threatens to grease your day with gooey power-infused cheese.” Dairy Malmsteen.
“Though you’ve probably never heard of Sartori, you’ve definitely heard them before. Sartori neither revels in the murk of dissonant death metal, wallows in the wail of languishing post-metal, nor abstracts musical reality with a blackened avant-garde offering. Instead, in his namesake band, Andy Anderson Sartori uses his scooped six-string powers to provide straightforward, rollicking neoclassical shred, following the tradition of many other Yngwie-inspired shredders (who also dress a little like him).” Shreddy dragon balls.
“Let’s get the rotting pink elephant carcass out of the way right now; funeral doom is not for the faint of heart nor the shortest of attention spans. That last part needs to be addressed by yours truly, as there has been both some healthy debate and misconception about my dislike of long songs. That couldn’t be further from the truth, as it’s not the length of the tune that drives me into a fit of boredom, but whether or not the song truly goes somewhere of note, or if the journey to that destination is worth it in the end. Australia’s Mournful Congregation are the litmus test by which I judge that criteria by, with songs teeming with morose melodies, densely-layered guitar harmonies, and Yngwie-esque sweep arpeggios, the band… whoa up, sweep arpeggios? IN FUNERAL DOOM?!” How can more be mournful??
“While Narnia has shifted their direction to a more power-metal sound, Iron Mask stayed true to the Mighty Malmsteen. Hell, Iron Mask even used an actual Malmsteen vocalist for their epic Black as Death release. But, the Belgian’s 2013 record, Fifth Son of Winterdoom, was not good. And I’m sorta afraid to hear this newest release. Well, duty calls. Here goes nothing…” Answer the call of Malmsteen.
“It’s not every day that you see C.S. Lewis’ name in a metal review. But a Lewis cameo is inevitable when reviewing a band called Narnia. If you’ve never heard the band before, I bet you’re picturing seven full-album concepts based on Lewis’ Narnia saga. Well, put those thoughts away because they’re wrong. This Swedish power-metal outfit does indeed have seven records, but not a single one of them is a front-to-back concept. There are the occasional Narnia-influence songs but, for the most part, the band uses Lewis’ folklore as an instrument to spread the word of God; and not in a subtle way.” I think you’ve been lion!
