Being a grown adult capable of reading books written for adults instead of fawning over ones written for preteens, it pains me to reference Harry Potter but here goes: remember when Jelly Belly made those Harry Potter jelly beans with gross flavors? Vomit, snot, and things like that were inexplicably put into candy form, and of course I ate every bad flavor; sometimes subjecting yourself to gross and tasteless things is thrilling and enticing. Which brings us to Angry White Elephant’s debut vs. The Wooden Cobra, for which I voluntarily shoveled the aural equivalent of a kilogram of jellybeans flavored like Reese cups stuffed with wasabi and cabbage into my mouth just so I could tell you all about it.

If you had a time machine, what would you do? Kill Hitler or Stalin? Embark on the First Crusade with modern weaponry? Get sloshed and talk philosophy with Plato? How about go to the jam rooms of Limp Bizkit, Powerman 5000, Adema, and Thumb, take some notes, and then make a record? This last option is the one Angry White Elephant, our dear travelers of space, time, and space-time, have chosen, and vs. The Wooden Cobra is the result of all this. While the Dark Ages are, as any serious historian will tell you, grossly mislabeled in terms of European history, those interested in metal will confidently and correctly say the late 90s and early 2000s were a sort of dark ages for the genre. For Angry White Elephant, this period is a fertile ground of inspiration, and they’ve made the most nu-metal nu-metal record ever produced outside of that period. Lunkheaded riffs, active slap bass, bad shouting, worse cleans, atrocious rapping, and those damned turntables are all present in abundance here.

Imported fresh from the Dark Ages is a severe lack of time management. Vs. The Wooden Cobra is a whopping fifty minutes long, and manages to be both grueling and soporific at the same time, like running a marathon on a treadmill in your dreams. The title track sounds like it’s about to burst into a Wu-Tang tune with its old kung-fu flick sample, but does a juke worthy of LaDanian Tomlinson and transforms into a Red Hot Chili Peppers song with breakdowns and yelling, replete with utterly garish clean vocals. It’s also nearly six minutes long for some inexplicable reason, and only has about three ideas: RHCP plus rap, bad breakdown with shouting over top, and an alt-rock hook so dull and ineffective that even minnows would have a giggle at its expense. “Scarz” is content to limply worship Limp Bizkit, and encourages all the “ladies in the club” to “show their scarz.” Flo-Rida, a much simpler man, just wanted to see shawties get low; Angry White Elephant want to see the ladies display the aftermath of their bad kitchen accident in college. I haven’t tried using this line in a club so I can’t speak for its effectiveness.

Another bizarre ditty is “Frontflip,” which is more Limp Bizkit lite stuff with all the rap taunts included. It goes nowhere, does nothing, and basically falls flat on its face due to poor ideas being executed poorly and a ridiculous chorus. Essentially, it’s a painfully failed frontflip performed in front of a Buffalo Wild Wings by someone who’s had too much Coors Light at 1 AM. “Self Ignition” breaks the mold by sounding like a scintillating combination of Hot Action Cop and Limp Bizkit, and it totally could’ve been considered for placement on a Need for Speed soundtrack. It probably would’ve been rejected for its overall poor showing, but it could’ve perhaps made an early Test Drive game or something.

I can confidently say that Angry White Elephant are very good at emulating the classic nu-metal sound. However, a great imitation of something quite bad is, well, quite bad. This is the aural equivalent of throwing your thirty year old friend a birthday party themed after that night in his teens when he had a few too many, urinated on a playground, got charged with public urination, and then made the sex offender list. Sure, it can be an accurate representation and, depending on your sense of humor, be at least a little funny, but what would possess anyone to actually do it? I don’t know, and I don’t particularly care, but since I don’t have to listen to vs. The Wooden Cobra for review anymore, this record can be expunged.


Rating: 0.5/5.0
DR: 4 | Format Reviewed: 320 kbps mp3
Label: Woodhouse Records
Websites: angrywhiteelephant.de | facebook.com/angrywhiteelephant
Releases Worldwide: April 7th, 2017

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  • GardensTale

    Put these guys on a double album with Invidia and you can weaponize it to exterminate the human race. Jesus fucking Christ this is bad. Honestly, in all seriousness, I think the score is generous as this sounds even worse than that trainwreck I had to sit through. Who the fuck sent this to us, and who do I have to hire to make sure they don’t repeat that mistake?

    And what did you do to be assigned this? Is this punishment for Sum41?

  • Bortman Begins

    Oh man it’s like all the kids whose parents were arrested on “Cops” got together to form a band

    • Comment o’ the Year.

    • Grymm

      You need a mic to drop.

      That was amazing.

  • Norfair Legend

    Hey, Claus Grabke was Thumb and Claus Grabke had one of the coolest decks back in the day. Never owned one but had many a Santa Cruz.

    This just sounds like the video that represents it. A couple of dudes who can draw like 10 of their friends and have some fun. Music and vocals are pretty bad though. I’m still waiting for that revival Nu Metal band that’s actually really good. Can that even happen?

    • Nag Dammit

      Good nu-metal. Isn’t that an oxymoron?

  • Sean Sky

    Still has more solos than St. Anger.

    • Sean Sky

      Seriously, though… this is so bad… The production is beyond terrible too.

  • You wot m8?

    German Metal, New Metal
    *scroll, scroll, scroll*
    0.5 / 5.0
    *snorts*

  • André Snyde Lopes

    “Another bizarre ditty is “Frontflip””

    Nah, it’s what you’re supposed to do after you jumpdafuckup.

    • Westpaceagle

      He even starts the song by shouting “Go!” I am nauseous.

  • Westpaceagle

    We tried to warn you youngsters, but apparently every generation has to learn for themselves the horror of nu metal.
    Or maybe this is some sort of sick, sick joke

  • Westpaceagle

    That septum ring just screams ‘winner at life’

    • basenjibrian

      And only real Indiana or Ohio Amish should be sporting that beard. (Guy on the left)

      • Nag Dammit

        Was Shaggy Amish? I didn’t know that. Scooby Doo has taken on a whole new level for me now.

        • basenjibrian

          Shaggy was Rumspringa gone bad!

          Lotta Amish near my hometown in northeastern Indiana. Dominated cabinet making, carpentry, and, for some reason, RV manufacturing.

          • Nag Dammit

            Haha. Had to look up what rumspringa was. Someone should make ‘Shaggy: the Amish years’, which ends with a mysterious one armed ex bowling champ cresting the horizon.

  • a glass o’ milk

    Ooooh, a DIM-Review with a score under 1.0. Dis gon’ b gud.

  • Diego Molero

    With a name like “Angry White Elephant” I really thought this was some sort of joke by Steely D. I wasn’t that wrong, it is a joke (a really, terrible joke.)

  • Dr. Wvrm

    Watching the folks in that video try to jam out to the flat af riffs and limp-wristed vocals has given me cognitive dissonance whiplash.

    • basenjibrian

      A great band name: Cognitive Dissonance Whiplash!

  • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

    I never thought rapping could be off key.

    • Nag Dammit

      Go listen to Lil’ Wayne. Everything that fella does is flat, except his soloing. That shreds.

      • Grymm

        His soloing is a work of art.

        • Nag Dammit

          His soloing transcends art, much like Nick Jonas’s. That guys bends slay all comers with their … individuality.

          • Drew Music

            You guys have to stop.

  • Some people in the “scene” don’t like the word poser being thrown around. But the war is still on.

  • basenjibrian

    I am NOT a violent man, but the crucifixion dude in the back of the group photo desperately needs to be punched.

    • Drew Music

      Oh my god, yes. Same here, I tend to think that violence solves roughly 0% of anything, but I just want that sickening look beaten out of his spectrum of facial expressions forever.

    • brutal_sushi

      He looks like the guy who played Cyclopes in the X-Men movies… except doucheier

    • Eli Valcik

      I’m a violent person, I’ll punch him for you.

    • FutureBeyondSatan

      I would rip out his fucking soul and force feed it to Fred Durst.

  • This is the musical equivalent to being stuck next to a troubled gentlemen in public bathroom stalls.
    (sounds like the production took place in a bathroom stall as well)

  • Excentric_13073

    How did this get a .5/5? I want my Tetragrammacide back…

  • martiobr

    oooo boy, a .5 record! need to hear it
    immediately. gotta go maso

  • Drew Music

    No real surprise, I’d expect a wooden cobra to be about as threatening or effective as… well, a wooden cobra.

  • Grymm

    …I lasted exactly 59 seconds before I started to listen to Paradise Lost.

    Y’know, something happier.

    • Drew Music

      And just all around better in every way, even on an old-timey British photo shoot kinda day.

  • sir_c

    This is the MOAB, I tell ya. The mother of all bands.
    Now throw them off a plane above Afghanistan.

  • The Unicorn

    .5 – amazing!!!! Pathetic!!!!

  • The Unicorn
    • Eli Valcik

      This needs to be the new backdrop

      • basenjibrian

        AMG Died for Your Sins!

    • Thatguy

      I was going to say that they are all ‘Happy Metal Guys’, but this is better.

  • El_Cuervo

    I love your reviews DiM, I really do. Loling the whole way through.

  • Eli Valcik

    This band pulls off the nu-metal feel perfectly and that is why this is just the worst.

  • My vote for most annoying vocals of the year goes to this. Not only his tone shit, he also sounds bored as hell. I feel for the guy. It must have been tough to muster up any sort of enthusiasm to sing on this.

    I don’t even think this is a good emulation of classic nu metal. It is a good emulation of a poo, and not a healthy one.

  • Robert Turnbull

    I actually quite like the album cover. Shame about the noize

  • Gelhoth

    How do you even do vocals this bad?

  • AgonMcDuck

    This or Project Theory? HAHAHA.

  • SegaGenitals
  • As much as I like the featured comment, my favorite line from the review was the “running a marathon on a treadmill in your dreams” one.

  • Rodrigo Soto

    I saw the cover and thought “this may be shitty as limp Bizkit”. I wasn’t wrong.

  • Alex Benedict

    I don’t know if anyone made it far enough into the embedded track, but the vocals just after the 2 minute mark must be heard by everyone

    • Nukenado

      I did. It prompted me to make an account to comment about how shitty it is. And I now have learned what dogs trying to do growls sound like.

  • Tofu muncher

    Read the Tag. “O so you guys review nu metal”. Jump to comment section.

  • herrschobel

    hit em hard ! what have we learned today ? shitty music can produce great reviews …

  • Dudeguy Jones

    Lets just cut straight to the artwork, which masquerades as “maybe-possibly-decent-from-afar” but is more, “oh-wait-maybe-its-also-a-weird-piece-of-clip-art-no-way-lol-and-oh-shit-look-at-that-type-wtf”

    And why isn’t the snake wooden? I mean, a suitably metal drawing of an angry white elephant battling a wooden snake wood’ve been great.

  • Nukenado

    Umm, how is this not getting a shittier grade than Project Theory?
    At least Project Theory didn’t have 2:10 on this embed track…

  • Think Floyd

    “I’m such a non-conformist that I’m not going to conform with the rest of you.” ….The only thing better than this band is all of your moms doing the human catterpillar. Chow down bitches!

    http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bcb02430fa9f3f783229075dba7a57053fa2dca89b6184a9b42a49410d7b552b.png