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Irae – Dangerovs Magick Zpells from the Mesziah of Death Review

Irae – Dangerovs Magick Zpells from the Mesziah of Death Review

“Getting dibs on albums is pretty rad when there’s a cool band with a new release I forgot about: a mini-Christmas in the otherwise lifeless dregs of the promo bin. That was my initial thought when I saw Portugal’s Irae new release. Last year’s Lurking in the Depths, while not terribly original, was a jolly fun batch o’ blackened tunes. It blended raw-ish tendencies with a healthy dose of groove for a subtle and consistent listen that perhaps held more promise than delivered but was good enough for my heart to leap at the newest installment. Does Dangerovs Magick Zpells from the Mesziah of Death deliver?” Dangerovs toyvs.

Conquerors – Stormbringer Review

Conquerors – Stormbringer Review

“During my latest sojourn through the tepid waters we writers wade through to scoop up our latest promo, I encountered Stormbringer, the latest from French black metal outfit Conquerors. Confronted with Witch King-esque cover art, a Slayer-inspired logo and the knowledge that this was the band’s third full-length album, I was more than willing to give these Fenriz lookalikes a chance. Curse you, expectations.” No storm, no conquest.

Eggvn – La Era de la Bestia Review

Eggvn – La Era de la Bestia Review

“Let me introduce you to Eggvn, self-professed “Satanic Death Industrial Metal.” Sporting some obvious black metal influence, I was expecting an ominous ambient album among the ranks of Moëvöt or Velvet Cacoon, but the Mexicans’ sophomore full-length La Era de la Bestia is more akin to a bizarre combination of Psyclon Nine, Brokencyde, Angelspit, and Nine Inch Nails. Featuring pulsing beats, cold industrial flourishes, dark ambiance, and harsh barks, it has its moments of listenable plagiarism, but is comically marred by a club-footed collision of its influences.” Alert the Egg Council.

Akiavel – Væ Victis Review

Akiavel – Væ Victis Review

If you’re about my age, you probably remember being a teenager and being rather surprised by Arch Enemy’s “Nemesis” video. For those unfamiliar, a speedy melo-death riff kicks the song off and we see a girl dressed like a Hot Topic version of Britney Spears in the “Oops, I Did it Again” video. She lets out a scream, and everyone watching goes “whoa, I can’t believe a girl can make those sounds!” The novelty wore off quickly despite my efforts to like the band because I liked Michael Amott’s work in Carcass. The Angela Gossow version Arch Enemy was inoffensively boring, and the band has since deteriorated into being offensively boring in the current Alissa White-Gluz iteration. The takeaway here is that Arch Enemy at their most popular is bland and uninspiring, and I’m lost as to who would take musical inspiration from that sound. Enter French death metal band Akiavel.” Archetypes.

Fragmentum – Masters of Perplexity Review

Fragmentum – Masters of Perplexity Review

Fragmentum want to be famous so bad. By the beard of Johan Hegg, they want to be famous so bad. On top of their own homepage with the hip and cool .zone domain, the promo package includes a list of no less than 9 social media and related pages, including Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, Bandcamp, Bandsintown, Spotify, Soundcloud and Apple freaking Music. The package also has the very stylish modern (and generic) band logo in 4 different formats and no less than 11 pictures of the 3 man band (5 of the band, 2 of each band member individually. The promo text, which is so masturbatory it may as well have been handwritten in man-brine, speaks of “a well known Belgian diverging metal band,” trying to squeeze the formation into the genesis of a new subgenre, whatever the hell ‘diverging metal’ is supposed to be. So the trio has everything it needs for its break into metal stardom, right?” Vexed and perplexed.

Everture – Emerge Review

Everture – Emerge Review

“Album length is a point of contention at AMG Headquarters. So around the office cooler one day, the illustrious Carcharodon revealed that his promo was a honkin’ two-hour commitment. I now realize that “Mine’s a nine-minute grind EP! Sucks to be you!” was the wrong thing to say. As a dear Lavagirlbitch to the Sharkboy, he used his power to punish me pick a promo for me. Please direct your hate mail to him for the awkwardly named Everture. I was immediately horrified at the phrase “modern metal” that greeted my eyes.” The Everture will continue until morale improves.

Utbyrd – Varskrik Review

Utbyrd – Varskrik Review

“Here at AMG.com we have instituted a firm “no re-release policy” which precludes new reviews of old albums. The typical use case is a physical release by a label of an album previously self-released digitally by a small band. We do this a) for consistency, b) to narrow the almost-unlimited range of music we could review, and c) so that our reviews remain relevant to what’s buzzing in the scene. It’s important we take this step. So anyway, here’s a review of a 2017 re-release.” Protocol havoc.

Harmonize – Warrior in the Night Review

Harmonize – Warrior in the Night Review

“There is a fine line between cringe and cheese. The latter is a savory substance that has embalmed many a God of Metal throughout the ages, and while the former can be bewitching in some of its shapes, it’s all the same loathed by most of us. Cheese is a crucial ingredient to all metal that I love, and of late I find that my desire for that silky, golden mass has become more and more difficult to satiate. Just as my craving was reaching peak levels and I hurried to spin Manowar’s “Sons of Odin” for the 666th time, the rattle of the promo bin beg I pay heed.” Sing for your steel!

Six Feet Under – Nightmares of the Decomposed Review

Six Feet Under – Nightmares of the Decomposed Review

“They say the best things in life are free. They also say honesty is free, but it’s not. In fact, it usually comes attached to a very high price. That moment you have a few too many and tell your partner what you really think of their mum. Explaining to your brother that you sold his son’s spleen on the black market just so you could buy more vinyl. Or the crushing fact that not all death metal is created equal. The genre’s favorite whipping boys Six Feet Under are living proof of this.” Six Feet Underwhelming.

Idiot Robot – Idiot Robot Review

Idiot Robot – Idiot Robot Review

“Once again, here we are. Being that person who routinely chooses review fodder based upon only band name, genre and album art, I encounter countless risky promos. Today, Idiot Robot, an American duo coming out of Florida and Arizona, enters my cubicle with their self-titled album. The band claims to offer something I’ve never heard before—death pop.” Robots are not good people.