1.0

Bad Baron – Ace of Hearts Review

Bad Baron – Ace of Hearts Review

Bad Baron pay tribute to the B and C list artists who littered 80s movie soundtracks with vapid rock anthems and forgettable saccharine power ballads. It was a strange and wonderous time for those of us who lived through it. While artists like Peter Cetera, Phil Collins and Kenny Loggins found renewed popularity on the silver screen, countless unknown artists tested their metal on the soundtracks to the endless VHS atrocities that littered the local mini mart’s back corner. What attracted Finnish masochists Bad Baron to the bottom of the barrel in one of music’s most terrible eras? Who knows?” Baron of the 80s Wastelands.

Ceremonial Worship – Seven Gateways to Eternal Misanthropy Review

Ceremonial Worship – Seven Gateways to Eternal Misanthropy Review

“If you’ve ever seen a deep, thick pool of tar, that’s how the AMG Promo Pit looks. It gets its color and density from the sheer volume of black metal releases we get every week. I can stand upright in it and become completely submerged in it. But, when all the asshole writers take the good shit, you’re left sticking your hand in the goo. With everything being one-person black metal outfits, there’s no point in picking and choosing once you’re neck-deep in the muck. Get in, grab a promo, and get out before the stuff melts the skin off your bones. When I emerged from the goop, and Holdy used Kenneth to sponge me off, I looked at my prize. Ceremonial Worship, from Greece. Huh… OK, I like Rotting Christ. ‘This might be worth it,’ I say as I look at my sizzling skin.” Cermony of opposition.

Timōrātus – My Life In a Made Metal Band Review

Timōrātus – My Life In a Made Metal Band Review

Timōrātus is a deathcore project comprised primarily of David and Courtney Napier. They started out back in 2006 as a decidedly serious evangelical Christian band—their name means “full of reverence towards God; devout” in Latin—until just a couple years ago when they turned to parody in 2020’s My Life In a Mediocre Metal Band. This would explain why the jokes, such as they are, remain doggedly G-rated. One could call them youth pastor-y.” Spinal Pap.

GUINEAPIG – Parasite Review

GUINEAPIG – Parasite Review

“Suspiciously, only one other goregrind review exists on AMG, and it’s kind of shitty. If you follow the genre, you know that acts like UwU may squirt out 3 or more opuses in a year. As an organization, we are very much behind on showcasing this putrid genre of goregrind, so to rectify this oversight, I thrust myself upon GUINEAPIG’s latest bucket o’ blasts, Parasite.” Small but nasty.

The Last Ten Seconds of Life – The Last Ten Seconds of Life Review

The Last Ten Seconds of Life – The Last Ten Seconds of Life Review

“Part of the Unique Leader staple, The Last Ten Seconds of Life drop their self-titled album on the masses, bringing a nu-metal meets deathcore hybrid to the table. On closer inspection, the Pennsylvanian crew has been alive and kicking for over a decade, releasing a steady stream of albums, culminating in this sixth LP. Combining two of the more divisive metal styles of the post-millennium era takes balls.” Get your balls out of the Hall.

Ember Sun – On Earth and Heaven Review

Ember Sun – On Earth and Heaven Review

“Here at Angry Metal Guy and His Amazing Super-Friends, we’ve all seen our fair share of one-person black metal. Seemingly every January, they all come out of their cocoons, sprout wings, and greet us all en-masse like the loveliest and most rewarding of locust swarms. But one-person funeral doom? Now that’s a treasured rarity, and not something that makes its presence known or felt all that often, if ever. And yet Lorthar, former guitarist for Greek black metallers Order of the Ebon Hand, felt that his prior band didn’t quite satisfy his needs, so he ventured off on his own to form Ember Sun, handling all duties and offering us On Earth and Heaven. Enter sad man.

Irae – Dangerovs Magick Zpells from the Mesziah of Death Review

Irae – Dangerovs Magick Zpells from the Mesziah of Death Review

“Getting dibs on albums is pretty rad when there’s a cool band with a new release I forgot about: a mini-Christmas in the otherwise lifeless dregs of the promo bin. That was my initial thought when I saw Portugal’s Irae new release. Last year’s Lurking in the Depths, while not terribly original, was a jolly fun batch o’ blackened tunes. It blended raw-ish tendencies with a healthy dose of groove for a subtle and consistent listen that perhaps held more promise than delivered but was good enough for my heart to leap at the newest installment. Does Dangerovs Magick Zpells from the Mesziah of Death deliver?” Dangerovs toyvs.

Conquerors – Stormbringer Review

Conquerors – Stormbringer Review

“During my latest sojourn through the tepid waters we writers wade through to scoop up our latest promo, I encountered Stormbringer, the latest from French black metal outfit Conquerors. Confronted with Witch King-esque cover art, a Slayer-inspired logo and the knowledge that this was the band’s third full-length album, I was more than willing to give these Fenriz lookalikes a chance. Curse you, expectations.” No storm, no conquest.

Eggvn – La Era de la Bestia Review

Eggvn – La Era de la Bestia Review

“Let me introduce you to Eggvn, self-professed “Satanic Death Industrial Metal.” Sporting some obvious black metal influence, I was expecting an ominous ambient album among the ranks of Moëvöt or Velvet Cacoon, but the Mexicans’ sophomore full-length La Era de la Bestia is more akin to a bizarre combination of Psyclon Nine, Brokencyde, Angelspit, and Nine Inch Nails. Featuring pulsing beats, cold industrial flourishes, dark ambiance, and harsh barks, it has its moments of listenable plagiarism, but is comically marred by a club-footed collision of its influences.” Alert the Egg Council.

Akiavel – Væ Victis Review

Akiavel – Væ Victis Review

If you’re about my age, you probably remember being a teenager and being rather surprised by Arch Enemy’s “Nemesis” video. For those unfamiliar, a speedy melo-death riff kicks the song off and we see a girl dressed like a Hot Topic version of Britney Spears in the “Oops, I Did it Again” video. She lets out a scream, and everyone watching goes “whoa, I can’t believe a girl can make those sounds!” The novelty wore off quickly despite my efforts to like the band because I liked Michael Amott’s work in Carcass. The Angela Gossow version Arch Enemy was inoffensively boring, and the band has since deteriorated into being offensively boring in the current Alissa White-Gluz iteration. The takeaway here is that Arch Enemy at their most popular is bland and uninspiring, and I’m lost as to who would take musical inspiration from that sound. Enter French death metal band Akiavel.” Archetypes.