Dr. A.N. Grier

Shine on you crazy (King) Diamond.
Trivium – In the Court of the Dragon Review

Trivium – In the Court of the Dragon Review

“I can already smell the death metal purists, like Ferrous, shitting their pants reading this review. At the same time, I can feel the metalcore chin-strappers cringing, knowing that yours truly is probably gonna shit all over this new album. The worst part is that if I didn’t have even an inkling of respect for Heafy and co., no one would get a review. But, even after I ran the yellowed Silence in the Snow through my snowblower, Roadrunner Records still sent me the In the Court of the Dragon promo personally.” Dragon, why do you cry?

Ministry – Moral Hygiene Review

Ministry – Moral Hygiene Review

“I had an acquaintance once that said industrial metal is ‘sex music.’ That’s one of the reasons I don’t talk to this person anymore. That and it’s difficult to communicate when you’re bricked up in a wall. But, seriously, I must be doing something wrong if I don’t get an erection to Rammstein‘s ‘Bück Dich.’ Babe, it’s not you. It’s me. The same goes for Ministry. There’s nothing about imagining Al Jourgensen gut and crucify the entire Bush family that pricks my pecker.” Good hygiene and bad manners.

Fustilarian – All This Promiscuous Decadence Review

Fustilarian – All This Promiscuous Decadence Review

“While many a reviewer despises grabbing black metal promos stuck in the ’90s, I love it. For nothing else, it gives me an itch for my favorites. Sometimes I won’t even finish the new promo before I abandon it for the road down memory lane. I always start with Darkthrone—sometimes Transylvanian Hunger, other times it’s Hate Them. Then it’s Mayhem‘s De Mysterii Dom Sathanas and Wolf’s Lair Abyss. From there, it’s Gorgoroth, Immortal, Funeral Mist, and Horna. Before I know it, the review is past due and the album is already on the shelves.” Lateness and decadence.

Portrait – At One with None Review

Portrait – At One with None Review

“When I was a diesel mechanic, I was regularly married to certain trucks. If you did a PM on it, you were now the expert on the truck. If the jackass driver filled it with gasoline instead of diesel, and you were the one that dropped the tanks and flushed the system, it was yours forever. If the Jakes and cruise control stop working and you spend eight hours ripping the entire dash apart to rewire everything that fried, you were definitely married to that truck. And, when that truck rolled back into the yard, everyone went quiet. They all knew you’d be dropping everything and your day would be in or under that piece of shit. They were quiet because you hate that fucking truck and you threw your favorite wrench set across the shop to show how much you hate it. And, as I was married to Kenworth Karen, I’m married to anything related to King Diamond and Mercyful Fate here at AMG.” Portrait of Fate.

Bonehunter – Dark Blood Reincarnation System Review

Bonehunter – Dark Blood Reincarnation System Review

Bonehunter and I have a deep, penetrable relationship that’s difficult to describe. They put out albums, and I review them. OK, so that wasn’t complicated. But, the last time I checked, I’ve reviewed more of their albums than I have any other band since starting at AMG. This year’s Dark Blood Reincarnation System makes four albums and four Grier reviews for these crusty Finns. If you don’t know Bonehunter, it’s time you were educated. Bonehunter is best known for two things: bear erections and punky, black-thrash.” Bones to the wall.

Black Swamp Water – Awakening Review

Black Swamp Water – Awakening Review

“I grabbed this promo from the rattlesnake and scorpion-infested bin at AMG‘s Southwest office because I thought it was thrash. See, I’ve been on a thrash kick lately and I had no qualms grabbing another thrash release to review. The band name didn’t exactly strike me as a band that played thrash. But, who am I to judge? Maybe they’re swampy thrashers from the South, like Pantera and Exhorder. But, this is no thrash band. Everything I know about life is a lie.” Swamp romps.

Amnessia Eterna – Malditos Review

Amnessia Eterna – Malditos Review

“Since Steel‘s clammy, hairy hand forced me to write for this illustrious establishment, I’ve noticed a trend. The trend is the inconsistency of thrash releases. It’s like the entire genre gets together as one unit of foul-mouthed dinosaurs, balding dads, and pizza-hungry horror enthusiasts to decide when to release albums. They sit around chugging Mylanta, Steel Reserve, and Truly, talking their trade and comparing solos. After evaluating the recorded material at this annual meeting, they’ll make a decision. The decision this year? No releases. Who made the decision? No one really knows. At this point, everyone’s puking from overdoing it on alcohol and stomach acid. At next year’s meeting, the verdict will flip. Or, so everyone hopes.” Thrash rebels.

Yngwie Malmsteen – Parabellum Review

Yngwie Malmsteen – Parabellum Review

“At the ripe age of old, Yngwie Malmsteen is back with his 873rd full-length release. But, unlike some of his more recent outings, the man explores his neoclassical roots. This means it took him 3.5 more days than usual to write the album. He also put to death 19 guitars during rehearsal and 74 in the making of Parabellum. All deaths were the result of friction from his finger-play, setting them on fire. But even though the man has been releasing albums before the invention of the calendar, no one has reviewed any of his albums at AMG. So be it, I said.” Wanko tango.