Cherd

Sludge is the word.
Funeral Leech – The Illusion of Time Review

Funeral Leech – The Illusion of Time Review

“If I had a dollar for every time I blindly picked some doom-tinged death metal from the Promo Wheel of Suffering and walked away with almost straight Incantation worship, I’d have…(math sounds)…OK, I’d only have enough for a donut and coffee from the Speedway up the street, but that’s a lot when you rarely review death metal. With the arrival of The Illusion of Time by New York’s Funeral Leech, I now have enough to play a scratch-off ticket while I drink my coffee.” Muck leeches and Incantation preaches.

Mastiff – Deprecipice Review

Mastiff – Deprecipice Review

“No one plays sludgy hardcore grind quite like the UK’s Mastiff. Not that many people play sludgy hardcore grind to begin with, but if they’re out there, they don’t play it like these Kingstun upon Hull lads. True to their canid namesake, which, if you saw them casually out for walkies in your neighborhood, would illicit a “Jesus Christ, that’s a big dog” exclamation, Mastiff shock with the weight and size of their sound.” Toothsome and clawsame.

Drain Down – Toxic Society Review

Drain Down – Toxic Society Review

Toxic Society, the sophomore full-length from German hardcore/thrash band Drain Down, turns out to be everything I stupidly asked for. Am I angry and aimless enough to pick up what these Teutonic terrors are throwing down? Are you? Join me in the pit for some enthusiastic arm-flailing and high-minded discussion.” Mistakes were made.

Eternal Storm – A Giant Bound to Fall Review

Eternal Storm – A Giant Bound to Fall Review

“I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: unless you make funeral doom, you probably don’t have a great reason for making a 70+ minute metal album. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule, like the Spectral Lore/Mare Cognitum double album a few years back. That one worked because A) the material, against the odds, kicked ass throughout, and B) the concept was to write an album about the whole goddamn solar system. It was cosmic in scale, literally. But for every Wanderers: Astrology of the Nine, there are 10 more Esoctrilihum records that I will never listen to, at this point on principle. In completely unrelated news, Spanish melodeath-ers Eternal Storm grace us this week with their highly anticipated second album, A Giant Bound to Fall. Thankfully, they keep their album length to a reasonable (checks notes)…oh dear.” Giant-sized Storm front.

Presenting Mrs. Ramsbottom’s Second Grade Class Christmas Recital, Starring Tarja, as Described by Liam Collins, Age Seven

Presenting Mrs. Ramsbottom’s Second Grade Class Christmas Recital, Starring Tarja, as Described by Liam Collins, Age Seven

“Hi, I’m Liam. I’m backstage right now because we’re doing a Christmas recital tonight. Everyone in my class is in it except for the Horowitz twins. Ezra and Esther don’t have to for some reason. Our music teacher Mrs. Ramsbottom was supposed to be here too but one of her organs blew up and she had to go to the hospital. It’s called an appendix and I’ve got one inside me too but my Mom says mine is ok and probably won’t blow up. Mrs. Ramsbottom was going to play the piano and we were going to sing but when she got sick we got a substitute teacher. Her name is Miss Tarja.” A night at the school opera.

Convocation – No Dawn for the Caliginous Night Review

Convocation – No Dawn for the Caliginous Night Review

“In the wretched realms of death metal, Finland’s Lauri Laaksonen is a known commodity. After a five-year stint in Sear, LL, as he’s credited on most liner notes, founded the beastly Desolate Shrine in 2010. We here at AMG have for the most part fawned in a most undignified manner over that project’s output. On the strength of that discography alone, LL could hold his head high among his most celebrated death metal contemporaries. But his impact on the genre doesn’t end there. Since 2018, LL has released some of the very finest slabs of demoralizing deathly doom in recent memory through his band Convocation.” Dark days in Finland.

AGLO – Build Fear Review

AGLO – Build Fear Review

“Aaron Osborne is the mastermind behind AGLO, a Star Trek-themed fusion of death doom and sludge more unnerving than that abomination Tuvix. Will his debut full-length Build Fear be ecstatic fan service like the third season of Star Trek: Picard? Or will it be disappointing and confusing like the first two seasons of Star Trek: Picard?” Spock rocking.

Warcrab – The Howling Silence Review

Warcrab – The Howling Silence Review

“Surprise! I know many of you have been patiently waiting for Holdeneye‘s review of the fourth full-length from UK death sludge slingers Warcrab, given how he so shamelessly ran his tongue all over their exoskeleton’s undercarriage when he reviewed their last outing, Damned In Endless Night. Well this time you get me. Don’t worry, Holdy‘s fine. He’s certainly not bound and ball-gagged in my garden shed dressed like Adventure Time’s Finn the Human, slipping in and out of consciousness in a chloroform haze. He was simply busy this week and remembered how much I also enjoyed Warcrab’s last album, so he turned over reviewing duties to yours truly.” Pick the Crab!