Hi, I’m Liam. I’m backstage right now because we’re doing a Christmas recital tonight. Everyone in my class is in it except for the Horowitz twins. Ezra and Esther don’t have to for some reason. Our music teacher Mrs. Ramsbottom was supposed to be here too but one of her organs blew up and she had to go to the hospital. It’s called an appendix and I’ve got one inside me too but my Mom says mine is ok and probably won’t blow up. Mrs. Ramsbottom was going to play the piano and we were going to sing but when she got sick we got a substitute teacher. Her name is Miss Tarja. She can sing really pretty but she talks kind of funny. Dad says it’s because she’s from Finland. I guess she’s kind of famous because my Dad knew who she was. He said she was in a heavy metal band called Nightwish. Mom asked him if that was one of his Cookie Monster bands he listened to in college. He said “Not really.” I asked him why she’s substitute teaching if she’s famous and he got sad and said “It’s hard to make money in the arts,” and then he got a bottle of brown stuff from the Grownups Only Cabinet and took it out to the garage. Mom looked kind of mad.
When Miss Tarja first showed up in class she was wearing a crazy outfit that was shiny and black and had lots of metal buttons and some black feathers. She looked like a vampire. My friend Aisha thought so too and asked her if she was a vampire and she said “No” but if I was a vampire I’d say “No” so people wouldn’t suspect me. Miss Tarja had us sing for her what we’d practiced for the recital. The whole time she kept rubbing her forehead with her super long vampire fingernails. Sometimes her eyes would get big and she’d say “Kamalaa! Katastrofi! Where is the passion?” When we were done she said “This will not do. But don’t worry my little Yuletide ravens, Tarja will fix this, and you will help her. Yes, Tarja will rise like the Star of Bethlehem over the darkest night of the soul!” When we came to practice the next day, we didn’t have to sing very much. Miss Tarja did most of it.
That was three days ago. Now I’m backstage and I’m hot and itchy. We were all going to wear funny Christmas sweaters tonight but Miss Tarja changed that, too. All this black leather is heavy and I’m really sweaty. She has contact lenses that make her eyes all black and her hair is super tall and she’s wearing a cape and a sword. She looks cool. We’re taking our places. The curtains just opened. These lights are really bright. Miss Tarja holds her sword in the air and yells, “Welcome! And behold my Dark Christmas.” She recorded all the instruments earlier so they just have to hit play in the sound booth. She starts singing “The First Noel” and waving her arms around like one of those balloon people where grown ups buy cars, but in super slow motion. I see Mom and Dad! They look really surprised. Everyone does. At first Miss Tarja sings the song really quiet, but then she gets really loud just before the end. She does that a lot.
We don’t sing much on some of these songs but next is “Frosty the Snowman” and it’s really fun. We sing the chorus, and then at the end we all get to say “ME! ME!” and it doesn’t even have to be in rhythm. Miss Tarja says details like that make this art. I’ve heard this song lots before but she makes it sound REALLY serious. Sometimes the music is sad like maybe she knew Frosty in real life and is sad he died. I guess that’s possible because it snows a lot in Finland. A couple of times the music gets really big like Frosty is a Marvel superhero in a movie. Iron Man was my favorite but he died and that made his son Spiderman really sad. Miss Tarja is waving around her vampire claws all slow and spooky. I bet they make it hard to make a snowman. No one in the audience has clapped yet, or coughed or moved or anything. Some vampires can do magic spells. Maybe she did one on them. Hang on, this is my favorite part! “ME…ME…ME…ME!”
Someone clapped! Miss Tarja sang “O, Holy Night” like she was in an opera and when she got to the “fall on your knees” part we all got on our knees and put our hands up and looked right at the really bright lights and that hurt, but then Jayden’s mom stood up and clapped really loud. Jayden’s nice but kind of weird and my Dad says his mom goes to all the school board meetings just to yell at people. Maybe she’ll like this costume change part, too. Some guys with ropes just pulled Miss Tarja up to the ceiling really fast and all the lights turned off. The audience is making LOTS of noise now. A bunch of people are saying “Whoa” and “Hey” and one person yelled “Jesus Christ!” It’s really dark. Ok, a light came back on, but only one. It’s shining on Miss Tarja up at the ceiling. Now she’s wearing a big white dress and her hair and face are all white like a ghost. That means it’s time to sing “Jingle Bell Rock.”
They’re lowering her back down to the stage and she’s singing the first part REALLY slow. When we practiced this song with Mrs. Ramsbottom, we danced all around and had a lot of fun. I don’t think there’s any way to dance to this. Miss Tarja made most of this music with special pianos that can sound like other instruments and violins and stuff, but some guy plays an electric guitar for this song. He’s over there in the corner. No one told us his name. He just showed up. I guess the guitar makes this heavy metal. We’re not supposed to dance to heavy metal. We’re supposed to just stand still. Miss Tarja said we can “glower,” but I don’t know what that means. She gets to wave her arms around and makes faces like she’s eating something really yummy or trying to remember something.
Principal Menendez seems really upset. I think he got mad when all those bags of rose petals got dumped and blown around with big fans while we were singing “White Christmas.” Miss Tarja says white’s too predictable and the roses make it look like we’re in a big snow globe filled with blood. It’s an artistic choice. Principal Menendez left the auditorium around then and he didn’t come back in until we were starting “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Now he’s pacing with his arms crossed and he keeps looking at his phone. “Rudolph” is my favorite song in the recital. We get to sing a lot on this one, and the music is extra scary. It reminds me of the music in movies when people are being chased by something. It makes me think about Rudolph chasing the other reindeer with a knife and then right at the end when the song gets really loud, that’s when Rudolph catches them.
Something’s happening. Miss Tarja’s trying to sing our last song but the microphone isn’t working. I think someone turned it off. Principal Menendez is coming up on stage. “Well, that’s our show for the night! I’d like to thank Miss Tarja for, uh, doing this, and Mrs. Ramsbottom’s second grade music class. You all did a wonderful job.” A few people are clapping, but now they’re getting quiet again because Miss Tarja is putting her hands up. She’s turning to us and winking. “Until next Christmas, my Yuletide ravens.” Now all the rose petals on the stage are starting to swirl around her like a tornado. The wind sounds really loud. WHOA, she disappeared! Everyone’s yelling and running on stage to grab their kids. I guess this means the recital’s over.
Rating: Let’s not ruin anyone’s child-like sense of wonder
Format Reviewed: streaming
Label: earMUSIC
Website: tarjaturunen.com
Releases Worldwide: November 10th, 2023
