Limp Bizkit

Yer Indefensible Metal is Olde: Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory

Yer Indefensible Metal is Olde: Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory

“Any attempts to explain the appeal and prevalence of nü-metal to someone who didn’t live through its invasion firsthand would surely be futile. Sure, even in its heyday there were plenty of anti-hipsters eager to decry the fledgling sub-genre to anyone not set to Away in their AIM directory, yet those of us who sipped on Surge instead of Haterade saw nü-metal as something more than a particularly loud Hot Topic clearance event.” Park and deride.

Life Right Now – Avant Garde Review

Life Right Now – Avant Garde Review

“Let’s start with the title of the band’s debut, Avant Garde. I guess it’s conceivable these lads genuinely don’t know what that phrase means. After all, it’s French. Then again, the band claims to be from the entire world, so. Point is, Avant Garde doesn’t test the outer edges of anything except this reviewer’s patience.” Is this real life?

Fozzy – Judas Review

Fozzy – Judas Review

“There’s only so far you can go when you write Linkin Park rock/metal. That said, Judas is one of the more fluid albums the band has ever put to tape. It flows the way you’d want a rock album to flow. It doesn’t overdo it, like the balls-and-booze Sins and Bones, nor does it overcompensate (for lack of balls), like the growly Do You Wanna Start a War. And it has the passion to at least be convincing. There’re a few hard-rock flops but the band actually attacked Judas with the same ferocity as Do You Wanna Start a War. But, the wimpy growls are gone and Judas is the better for it.” The Wizard of Fozz.

Angry White Elephant – Vs. The Wooden Cobra Review

Angry White Elephant – Vs. The Wooden Cobra Review

“Being a grown adult capable of reading books written for adults instead of fawning over ones written for preteens, it pains me to reference Harry Potter but here goes: remember when Jelly Belly made those Harry Potter jelly beans with gross flavors? Vomit, snot, and things like that were inexplicably put into candy form, and of course I ate every bad flavor; sometimes subjecting yourself to gross and tasteless things is thrilling and enticing. Which brings us to Angry White Elephant’s debut vs. The Wooden Cobra…” Always bet on Cobra.

Invidia – As the Sun Sleeps Review

Invidia – As the Sun Sleeps Review

“We all did dumb stuff when we were 14. We overate on candy without remembering how much we puked last time, we lost teeth to concrete trying to nail the stupidest stunts, and we tried and failed horribly at being cool enough for that one girl that kick-started our hormone production the summer before. One of the (un)cool things we did was listen to what passed as edgy at the time, and considering this would be 2003 for me, that would be Mudvayne and Static-X. Now I have a brand new nu-metal promo by Invidia, a supergroup featuring members from Skinlab, Five Finger Death Punch and In This Moment, colliding all of the above with such heroes as Godsmack, a manure-filled dump truck and a frat house full of drunk jocks.” Ah, to never be young again.

70000 Tons of Metal: One Man’s Journey

70000 Tons of Metal: One Man’s Journey

“My friends ask me what happened, but my ability to verbally communicate has been reduced to moaning and a weeping noise that sounds something like a baby panda crying for milk. I wonder how I’m going to make it through the final day of this floating festival. I wonder when the aching will subside. I wonder where my life went so wrong. How did I end up here, on the 7th annual 70000 Tons of Metal cruise, weak with exhaustion and feeling like my body has been bludgeoned with a sledgehammer? My mind drifts back…” Tales from a 70000 ton heavy thing.

Fall of Carthage – The Longed-For Reckoning Review

Fall of Carthage – The Longed-For Reckoning Review

“The monkey’s paw is gripped tightly in your hands, a mangy curio purchased on your recent travel abroad. The wizened fakir that sold it to you promised it could fulfill any wish, an absurd statement but here in the stillness of your room curiosity has sunk its claws deep into you and a whispered plea escapes your lips: ;I wish for an album that can recapture the sound of early Machine Head.'” If wishes were Machine Heads, Rob Flynn would abide.

Aborym – Shifting.negative Review

Aborym – Shifting.negative Review

“Listening to Shifting.negative makes me want to apologize. To all members of Aborym, and particularly mainman Fabrizio “Fabban” Giannese – I’m sorry for whatever conditions existed in your lives that caused you to think creating this album was a good idea. I also want to apologize to curious listeners, who may have seen Aborym’s past works compared to Anaal Nathrakh and Blut Aus Nord and assumed Shifting was another misanthropic, industrial black metal romp.” The apology tour has begun.

The Glorious Rebellion – Euphoric Review

The Glorious Rebellion – Euphoric Review

“Being a metal reviewer is fun. I get to discover new gems I probably wouldn’t have otherwise heard, I get to think of creative ways to make fun of bad albums, and I get to work with an amazing and talented group of fellow writers whose reviews and recommendations provide an abundance of new, quality metal to check out. But like all jobs, this one has a dark side.” Here comes the bittersweets….

Coal Chamber – Rivals Review

Coal Chamber – Rivals Review

“Since the dawn of man, humans have tried to prove or disprove the existence of a higher power. Believers have cited the beauty of nature and the intricacy of the human body as evidence, while the skeptics can point to tragedies like cancer-stricken children and the Holocaust to make their case. My personal moment of truth hits a little closer to home: Coal Chamber have reunited, and I am reviewing their new album Rivals. There is definitely no god.” Read along as a crisis of faith afflicts the AMG staff.