GardensTale

Will be destroying crappy nu-metal and praising crappy prog until the sky dies.
Extreme Cold Winter – World Exit Review

Extreme Cold Winter – World Exit Review

By GardensTale on October 19, 2021 in Reviews, Death Metal, Doom Metal, 43 comments

“The Dutch are often quite proud of their English capacities. We frequently top the list of most proficient non-native speakers, and expats often find it more difficult to learn Dutch because anyone who hears them struggling just switches to English instead, both to accommodate them and to show off. Which is why the moniker above is rather baffling to me. Shouldn’t it be Extremely Cold Winter? Or Extreme Winter Cold? Is the winter both extreme and cold? If so, in what other capacity is it extreme?” How about this weather?

Franklin Zoo – The Dandelion Child Review

Franklin Zoo – The Dandelion Child Review

By GardensTale on October 11, 2021 in Reviews, Progressive Metal, 36 comments

“I know we’ve been harping about shitty band names a lot this year, but come on. Franklin Zoo? Why? Is your music about 6-year-olds getting their first biology lesson because two bonobos decided to get exhibitionistic? Do you have a tearful ballad saluting Harambe? Apparently not, since The Dandelion Child addresses the philosophic studies of Soren Kierkegaard.” Animal farming.

The Answer Lies in the Black Void – Forlorn Review

The Answer Lies in the Black Void – Forlorn Review

By GardensTale on September 29, 2021 in Reviews, Doom Metal, 27 comments

“Who doesn’t love international cooperation? Well, I suppose we’re bound to have a few hardcore nationalists in our readership who don’t, but in our increasingly connected world, getting cozy with the neighbors can go a long way. The same goes for metal; people from all over the globe, or even just the continent, working together can result in some magical things. Case in point: newly erected international project The Answer Lies in the Black Void, which is quite a mouthful as band names go. The duo consists of Hungarian citizen Martina Horváth (Thy Catafalque) and Dutch breakcore specialist Jurgen Köhnen (Servants of the Apocalyptic Goat Rave).” Fellow metal travelers.

Manfrea – Noire Review

Manfrea – Noire Review

By GardensTale on September 25, 2021 in Reviews, Black Metal, Metalcore, 19 comments

“Novel genre mixes are always fun. I thought I had one of those when I grabbed Noire, sophomore effort from Moscow musicians Manfrea, from the bin. Blackened metalcore, it said. Russia seems to have developed a penchant for experimental, envelope-pushing metal, so it’s only natural my thoughts went to bizarre concoctions of Trivium and Darkthrone and the question how two such disparate genres could possibly mix. My esteemed colleagues immediately shot down such ruminations when I pondered these questions aloud, by proposing the suspicious half of this amalgamation might be more along the original, non-melodic metalcore line, which would make the figurative distance between genres considerable shorter.” Near and Noire.

Never End – The Cold and the Craving Review

Never End – The Cold and the Craving Review

By GardensTale on September 7, 2021 in Reviews, Groove Metal, Metalcore, 13 comments

“I know promo sheets are all about hyping up the band. Hyperbole is basically in the job description, and I and my esteemed colleagues are largely immune to the declarations of paradigm shifts and best things since sliced bread. But every now and then, something so ridiculous comes along that I can’t keep it from you all. If I am to believe the sheet for Never End’s The Cold and the Craving, “…they’re brutal, melodic and technical all at once without ever being too much of one thing, which is impressive. The grind remains godhead, obviously, but the entwined emanations flowing from it –thrash, match [sic] rock, prog, hardcore, metal, grunge—never felt more potently distilled, dynamic or organic. [It] weakens the boundaries between Rock, Metal, Grunge, Hardcore, Metalcore, Doom, Stoner.”” All things for all people.

Thyrfing – Vanagandr Review

Thyrfing – Vanagandr Review

By GardensTale on August 31, 2021 in Reviews, Viking Metal, 28 comments

“Unless you only got into metal recently, you are sure to have an array of bands that you’ve listened to in the past and enjoyed, but for whatever reason you didn’t delve any deeper or keep up with their new releases. Occasionally you might see a namedrop somewhere and go “huh, yeah, I liked that band.” Sometimes you might even pick the thread back up. It’s how I got back into Madder Mortem, for instance. Other times, you shrug and move on, pursuing new thrills instead, making a solemn oath that you never fulfill, to one day get back to that enjoyable echo from the past. Such a moment of recognition struck me when I saw the name Thyrfing pop up in the promo box. “Thyrfing!” I said. “They were cool! Vansinnesvisor was a good album, I recall. They were kinda sorta big at the time, right?” Norse whisperers.

Sun of the Suns – TIIT Review

Sun of the Suns – TIIT Review

By GardensTale on August 26, 2021 in Reviews, Death Metal, Progressive Metal, 34 comments

“There is all sorts of weirdness going on with this release. It’s a debut album by a band that by all means does not seem to have existed until late May this year. Sun of the Suns have no Metal Archives page and their only social media channels, Facebook and Instagram, both dropped out of the sky one day with the album announcement as the first post. Yet the Italians helming the project have sufficient pedigree in their national death metal scene, enough to pull session participation from Fleshgod Apocalypse drummer Francesca Paoli and DGM bass player Simone Mularoni. Not to mention this sounds absolute leagues away from the exploratory, not-quite-sure-where-we’re-going-with-this tentativity you might expect from a debut.” First Sun of the first Sun.

Eastern High – Halo Review

Eastern High – Halo Review

By GardensTale on August 2, 2021 in Reviews, Gothic Metal, Metalcore, Progressive Metal, 27 comments

“The year of shitty band names continues with Eastern High. If you think that moniker sounds like a high school, well, that’s because it is, located in Cardiff, Wales. In fact, the school is the top result when you search for Eastern High. But unlike its handle, the band (which is from Sweden, not Wales) apparently hides enough quality to make dear TheKenWord cuss me out for snatching it from the promo bin while he was looking the other way.” Moderate speed times at Eastern High.

Archangel A.D. – Casus Belli Review

Archangel A.D. – Casus Belli Review

By GardensTale on July 26, 2021 in Reviews, Thrash Metal, 14 comments

“Archangel A.D. play thrash about as retro as it gets. But even retro thrash has its particular flavors, in this case an even split mixture between Metallica and Annihilator. Aside from the opener, which might as well have been called “King of Spades” for as close as it hews to Motörhead’s classic. Nevertheless, there’s a more than satisfying amount of hooky riffs on Casus Belli, as well as a surprising amount of variety.” Belli of the beast.