The life of the unpaid, overworked metal reviewer is not an easy one. Cascading promos, unreasonable deadlines, draconian editors and the unwashed metal mobs – it makes for a swirling maelstrom of music and madness. In all that tumult, errors are bound to happen and sometimes our initial impression of an album may not be completely accurate. With time and distance comes wisdom, and so we’ve decided to pull back the confessional curtain and reveal our biggest blunders, missteps, oversights and ratings face-plants. Consider this our sincere AMGea culpa. Redemption is retroactive, forgiveness is now no longer mandatory.

Written By: Happy Metal Guy

Way Overrated!

White Wizzard - The Devil's CutThe Event That Shall Not Be Recounted—it turned my world upside down. Or rather, it transplanted me from my original world to my current world—at least according to my foggy memory. All I remember from my original world are two beings known as “AMG” and “Steel Druhm,” possibly sociopathic bipedal critters; and the fact that I once gave extraordinary praise to a collection of hymns, The Devil’s Cut, composed by White Wizzard. That memory fragment of my bestowing said extraordinary praise whips up a whirlwind of emotions in my bosom, spanning jubilation to gloom. Of late, gloom seems to be triumphing over jubilation. And I think I know why.

After being cast out of my original realm, I found myself in the turbulent realm of Sanctuary: a world embroiled in the Eternal Conflict between angelic armies and hellish hordes. Day after day, mortals such as I live by the skin of our teeth. Amongst us are aberrant mortals gifted with lethal powers who form the sole barrier between us and our supernatural foes. Electric wizzards, fire wizzards, ice wizzards… I have laid ears on them all. Wizzards of my current world are so adept at conjuring killer hymns that White Wizzard simply pales in comparison to them.

Perfection is but a shadow—within reach yet untouchable. What ever possessed me to accord that White Wizzard compendium citizenship in the dominion of shadow?

Original score: 5.0
Adjusted score: 4.0

Editor’s Note: In a rare, behind the scenes look into the world of AMG operations, we present to you the original draft of this historic retraction…HERE.

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  • SoLeftISeeRight

    The prodigal son returns! 2017 is now complete.

    • VikingSchism

      The prog-idal son?

  • Brutalist_Receptacle

    WIZZZARD GOAT PENIS OR GTFO

    • HeavyMetalHamster

      You forgot a z

      • JWG

        Wizzzard Goatz Penis?

        Penizs?

  • Nukenado

    WHUT

    • Brutalist_Receptacle

      EXACTLY

  • Nukenado

    By the way, HMG, is The Tyranny of Tradition officially dead?

    • Nukenado

      forgiveness is now no longer mandatory.

      • Always read the fine print.

        • Nukenado

          You damn lawyers!

    • Not at all. It was updated just last week (first post in more than a year).

      • Nukenado

        Yep, checked and saw that.
        Do some anime reviews or some shit!

  • Dr. Wvrm

    lol

  • WhamBamSam

    It’s an X-mas miracle! Hail Santa! Praise Treesus!

    As someone who likes White Wizzard, it’s still overrated. Over the Top is a solid 4.0, but Leon hasn’t put anything nearly as strong out since.

  • Planex

    Ok that’s it I’m calling the cops

  • Morgoth

    Just out of curiosity. Maybe this isn’t the place and I apologize in advance (it’s not my intention to spam! And I won’t complain if this gets deleted or goes unanswered as a result) but ever since it was released, I kept wondering what AMG thinks of Rhapsody’s Legendary Years.
    Still good cheese? Or has the cheese gone bad without Fabio Lione? (some of you could argue the cheese has always been smelly. Nonsense I say!).

    • tomasjacobi

      You mean the cover versions the keyboard player of Rhapsody released while the rest of the original lineup toured as “Rhapsody Reunion”?

      • Morgoth

        That’s the one, yeah.

  • VenusAdonis

    Just when I thought 2017 couldn’t bring any more surprises.

  • De2013

    Happy Metal Guy: Do you need help???? If so, review a random record and rate it with a 0.666. We are here for you.

  • Holy fucking shit

  • PeterBeerz

    Cheers to all of you foggy memory sufferers around!

  • You wot m8?

    Holy fucking shit, is this even the real life!?

  • André Snyde Lopes

    This is all fine and good but I still think you guys using medieval torture methods to make Happy Metal Guy write this was a tad too far.

    • Well, that’s just like your opinion, man.

  • Eli Valcik

    NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! White wizard is the example of how anything is possible

    • Grymm

      Right? I mean, their line-up changes could challenge those of Iced Earth… and that’s just between the timespan of two albums.

  • Danny

    Is it still accurate to call him Happy Metal Guy if his ear and finger were “tragically removed” by “unfortunate reviewing accidents”? I’m guessing he’s not quite as happy as once rumored.

    • It was a minor non-suspicious sabbatical mishap. Nothing to see here.

  • Nukenado

    RIC!

  • Levly

    Thank you for making me start the day with a hearty laugh :)!

  • Monsterth Goatom

    This makes for a holy trinity of HMG-related posts: the White Wizzard review, the HMG Disappearance post, and this.

  • Carlos Marrickvillian

    hahahaha the longest running meme!
    Thanks Happy Metal Guy! Good to see you still have most of your fingers and ears :)
    So will we do this every year until we get down to 2.5…

    • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

      Down to 0!

  • Dagoth_RAC

    Very disappointed. I was expecting an upgrade to 5.5!

  • METAL OTTER

    Wait, if this is the fourth Contrite Metal Guy article, and each score retraction requires the sacrifice of an ear and finger, eventually the writers are going to end up like Ted in I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream

    • Nukenado

      Nah, they all had “underrated” sections so they earned them back.

  • ssorg

    I mean… this is the only reason you started doing these articles, right? the other entries in this series were the appetizers and this is the main course.

    • VikingSchism

      This is great, I can’t wait for the concept album though

    • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

      The appetizers were made of red herring.

  • Dammage

    So if Steel and AMG are in Jail right now, which of their little patsies convinced HMG to come out of hiding to write this? My guess would be Diabolus, who from what I hear is trying to restore favor after he was punished for the tragic Alestorm review of ’17.

    But really, all this violence… it seems like AMG is compensating for something. Perhaps trying to prove his metal cred before we have sweaty man bun™ inevitably decorate this site again when he rates it album of the year?

    • Nukenado

      I think this is more of a warning against people like Diabolus, just in case if he gives the new Propagandhi or another bacon-powered band a TYMHM treatment…

      • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

        What’s wrong with bacon-powered bands? Come to think of it, what do you mean with bacon-powered bands?

        • Nukenado

          “Bacon-powered pirate core”

          • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

            In my book, anything -core is a no-no except for grindcore.

          • Nukenado

            I’m tempted to post an Attila video…

          • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

            Billy Joel’s first band?

          • Nukenado

            I wish it was…

          • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra
          • Nukenado

            It is, but I’m talking about that one.

          • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

            I have no clue what you’re talking about…

          • Nukenado

            The emocore version of brokeNCYDE.

          • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

            Yuck!

  • The Akerstache

    Blink twice if they’re holding you hostage.

  • Mollusc

    Hangry Man-Gorilla…

  • Strapping Old Fart

    *loses a finger* “OK, you have a point! I may have got carried away! 4.5!” *loses an ear* “4.0! 4.0! That’s all you get, you mean bullies!” The guy must be the hecking Keyser Söze of metal reviewing

  • Gary W Wedding

    Where’s my violin?

  • Yesterday morning I was going through all of Happy Metal Guy’s reviews but this must have been posted afterwards. Too funny.

  • Matt slatz

    I give this retraction a 5.5. i

  • Solrac Avan

    4.0/10.0 seems about right

  • Hark

    Well, in his end of the year list HMG put it second, behind Skeletonwitch (great find, btw.) which got 4.0, so in a way, White Wizzard was corrected to 3.5-4.0 max. :-)

  • Zadion

    … And so a meme was laid to rest…

  • FutureBeyondSatan

    I’d imagine it would sound a bit worse with only 1 ear, or better?