“Amalie Bruun has had mixed reviews in her short stint making music in the metal community. Garnering critical acclaim from the organic, free-range, caramel mocha chocamericano-flecked Macbooks toted by the illustrious writers at Pitchfork, she has been rejected quite forcefully by those who are truly metal with vastly superior opinions.” To fully examine Myrkur’s kvlt bona fides, we deployed the ground troops.
“Austin Lunn is proving to be one the most talented and prolific musicians in the modern American metal scene. Barely a year after releasing the excellent Roads to the North and contributing to Saor’s stunning depiction of Celtic folklore, Aura, he’s returned with the seventh full-length under his primary Panopticon moniker.” Grab your dip and stick it in your lip. It’s time for some redneck black metal!
“Melted Space. A project with more vocalists than Avantasia and more guests than a free beer and sex party. An ambitious metal opera, Pierre le Pape draws together myriad musicians and vocalists in depicting his epic vision on this debut, The Great Lie. It’s a monumental work….” And off to Finishing School we go to get some much needed culture.
“As a youthful cheeky-chappy, I missed death metal the first time round. The wonders of Google have permitted me to research that which I lacked, thus purging myself of the vim and vibrancy with which I was once characterized. I now regularly murder my family and desecrate their burial chambers in the name of such legends as Entombed and Dismember, a sentiment obviously shared by Stockholm’s latest recruit: Lik.” It’s Throwback Friday (again)!
“Dragonheart is paramount in man’s interaction with music. If not for such albums as The Battle Sanctuary, who would remind us of our primitive warmongering? Of gods and kings and swords and shields? Of halcyon times where it was not just socially acceptable, but encouraged, to raid poorly-defended acquaintances and ravage their family?” If thy neighbor’s lawn offends thee, smite it down!
“With none but Woodfall’s Raphael Weinroth-Browne on cello and Heather Sita Black singing, The Visit’s debut album, Through Darkness Into Light, seems an unlikely candidate for Angry Metal Guy. Classical chamber music is stylistically about as far as one can venture from bombastic metal sub-genres such as power.” Prepare to get some class in your crude lives, you philistines.
“Imagine third-rate Slayer-worship, a guitar tone so doctored it almost resembles djent, and lyrics so mindlessly asinine and violently vacuous that they actually pain me to hear them. Throw in a faltering vocalist and unimaginative song-writing and you have The Hatred Inside. Intrigued?” Better than fourth-rate Slayer, right?
“Composed largely of musicians from Extol’s old line-up, Mantric took up the progressive mantle with technical fervor on 2010’s The Descent. They’re now back with Sin – one of those difficult-to-categorize modern metal releases.” More prog for you wankers!
“When perusing the AMG Upcoming Crap We Need to Review List™ of new releases, it’s easy to judge bands based on their names. King Heavy and their self-titled debut album apparently fell into the doom metal category, and I immediately made the connection with King Giant’s recent release – the two similarly titled bands within the same genre would surely broadly equate and offer a convenient comparative review?” Nothing is as it seems on the Crap List.
“Despite operating out of a state best known for metrosexual men wearing fake tans and engaging in post-modern mating dances for sultry females, Windfaerer prizes the mythology of the Iberian Peninsula and pays homage to such ancestry. Tenebrosum is derived from the Latin for “darkness” and with Spanish song titles, they certainly target a higher-brow audience than the aforementioned gentlemen.” New Jersey has turned out some classy music over the years, and it never stops surprising folks.
