Portrait

Portrait – At One with None Review

Portrait – At One with None Review

“When I was a diesel mechanic, I was regularly married to certain trucks. If you did a PM on it, you were now the expert on the truck. If the jackass driver filled it with gasoline instead of diesel, and you were the one that dropped the tanks and flushed the system, it was yours forever. If the Jakes and cruise control stop working and you spend eight hours ripping the entire dash apart to rewire everything that fried, you were definitely married to that truck. And, when that truck rolled back into the yard, everyone went quiet. They all knew you’d be dropping everything and your day would be in or under that piece of shit. They were quiet because you hate that fucking truck and you threw your favorite wrench set across the shop to show how much you hate it. And, as I was married to Kenworth Karen, I’m married to anything related to King Diamond and Mercyful Fate here at AMG.” Portrait of Fate.

Candle – The Keeper’s Curse Review

Candle – The Keeper’s Curse Review

“It’s now been over a decade since King Diamond released an album. It’s almost been two decades since Mercyful Fate‘s final record. Hell, the last time the King released a full-length disc, yours truly was is Mr. A.N. Grier. How fucking sad is that? As you can imagine, I’ve been dead inside since 2007.” Leave a Candle lit for the King.

Portrait – Burn the World Review

Portrait – Burn the World Review

“OK, no stories this time. I don’t want to cause anyone to walk away from an album they might actually enjoy. Instead, I’ll just be blunt and boring. I’ll compress reviews into simple phrases like “album of the year” or “this isn’t brutal enough and you’re all pussies for liking it.” I guess 700 words is a waste of time for some and I should just force-feed shitty clickbaiting one-liners to you like a CNN ticker tape. I guess I could do that. Or… I could say fuck that and hammer out another lengthy piece proclaiming my love for King Diamond and Mercyful Fate. Yep, I think I’ll do that.” King Clickbait strikes again.

Raise the Black – Portrait Review

Raise the Black – Portrait Review

“These days, the album bin’s like a box of chocolates: most morsels are halfway decent, except the random orange-flavored ones. Despite a name suggesting a jaunt on the Seven Seas and a promo sheet whispering sweet nothings of Insomnium, Agalloch, and Woods of Ypres, Raise the Black’s debut, Portrait, has the pinkish taste of despair to it.” Taste the pink despair!