There and Back Again: A Cruise Ship Tale, by Angry Metal Guy


To their abject delight, Mark Z, Sentynel, El Cuervo and Dr. Wvrm shall be embarking on the hallowed 70,000 Tons of Metal cruise from January 31 until February 4 2019. While Mark Z is a frequenter and shall be rooming with his regular assortment of fiends and admirers, Sentynel (who is a “Silver Surfer,” having also been last year), El C and Dr Wvrm are three strapping young lads1 looking for one additional sailor to be the fourth in their cabin. Though there are Facebook groups dedicated to locating spaces aboard, they considered that they would prefer to room with one lucky reader to give them a flavor of the sadistic torture which goes on behind the AMG doors2. Leaving aside the annexed, bespoke, sex dungeon we are currently commissioning, the cabin has a balcony and an in-suite bathroom (while it remains functional).

The cruise departs from, and returns to, Fort Lauderdale, FL. The cost is USD($)1352.70 for the cabin which includes food (except for a few nicer restaurants) and all soft drinks but NOT alcoholic drinks (this includes taxes and fees). Obviously, and depending on your location, you will also have to take account of travel to Fort Lauderdale and potentially accommodation for the night before in case of travel difficulties. We recommend the night’s accommodation if you aren’t travelling from anywhere relatively local. Also note that loads of the bands have cruise-specific merch so you may want to save those pennies to acquire a boaty Ne Obliviscaris t-shirt which is sure to arouse the sexual fervor of your significant other / soon-to-be significant other.

For those not in the know, 70,000 Tons is an annual metal festival aboard a Royal Caribbean cruise ship. This year the destination is Haiti (there is a day / half day in the middle where you can disembark), featuring 60 awesome bands who also live aboard. Of the 28 currently announced, a few notable names performing this year include Accept, Dark Funeral, Ensiferum, Ne Obliviscaris, Obituary, Nile, Soulfly and The Black Dahlia Murder.

Considering the cost, serious inquiries only please. If you want to enjoy an awesome metal festival, shoot the shit with your favorite writers3 (and sysadmin) and partake in ethically-questionable hazing activities4, please email alex_walton93 [at]

For those of you already booked on, we have vague plans to print AMG t-shirts so we may be easily demarcated, properly worshiped and plied with an everflowing stream of free drinks. We look forward to seeing you!”

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: AMG Worldwide Amalgamated Blogworks, Ltd., and all related offshore holding companies are not in any way liable or responsible for any malfeasance, feasance, depravity, debauchery, offense or criminal actions by the loosely affiliated, independent contracting AMG staff. In the unlikely event we are held potentially liable, all claims are subject to international maritime pirate law, to be settled exclusively through trial by combat with weapons of our choosing at a time of our convenience.

Show 4 footnotes

  1. Taking the term “strapping” at its most generous interpretation. – Steel
  2. Legal Disclaimer: We don’t discuss journalism with fans. – Steel
  3. Not possible as AMG and Steel are not attending for legal reasons. – Steel
  4. AMG’s Legal Disclaimer applies to all immature hazing activities, unnatural occult rituals, creepy cult indoctrinations, and any other unsavory group activities. – Steel
« »