The Glorious Rebellion - EuphoricBeing a metal reviewer is fun. I get to discover new gems I probably wouldn’t have otherwise heard, I get to think of creative ways to make fun of bad albums, and I get to work with an amazing and talented group of fellow writers whose reviews and recommendations provide an abundance of new, quality metal to check out. But like all jobs, this one has a dark side. And just like the Ruby Tuesday’s waiter who has to clean that child’s diarrhea splatter off the bathroom wall at the end of his Saturday night shift, the time eventually comes that we, too, must roll up our sleeves, pinch our noses, and dive right into the shit. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The Glorious Rebellion’s Euphoric.

Let me get the two positives out of the way first. One, this record is only 19 minutes long. Two, Euphoric made me realize science has advanced much further than I thought, because this sounds like it was created by someone who snuck into my bedroom while I was sleeping, probed my brain using hitherto unknown technology, and used this data to concoct an album of everything I don’t like in metal. Though this Orlando trio dubs themselves ‘noise rock,’ in reality this debut full-length sounds more like a piece of southern-fried, groovy nu metal with all the mansweat and swagger of Triple H. In fact, that name provides a fitting acronym for the three closest points of comparison here: Hellyeah, Helmet, and hell on fucking Earth.

Where to start? Euphoric’s production is so bad it literally made me wince – the DR4 sounds like DR2, the guitar tone is overwhelmingly boomy, and the mix blasts away any nuance with the force of a hydrogen bomb. Averaging just over three minutes, these six tracks are typically comprised of two or three buttheadedly simple, repetitive riffs that begin to sound recycled by third track “Benaquyl.” Vocals consist of raspy yells with lots of ‘tude, occasionally lapsing into gravel-y, post-grunge singing during the attempted hooks. Lyrically, vocalist Billy Myers delivers gems like “My cock won’t suck itself!” from penultimate track “The Dirtiest Dream Jobs,” repeats menial phrases like  “Can’t sell out if we don’t buy in!,” and concludes the whole mess with screams of “I’m going straight to hell!” from the oh-so-cleverly-titled closer “Bitches Hate Misogyny.”

The Glorious Rebellion - 2016

I guess Rebellion are attempting to take a sludgy, noisy base and inject some accessibility for the Rockstar-fueled masses at the open-air summer festivals they’ll no doubt be frequenting in a few months. Problem is, they fail. These barre-chord sounding riffs – like those in opener “It’s a Sucker’s Game, Kid” – are some of the most blasé I’ve ever heard, the ‘songwriting’ is sheer ABAB paint-by-numbers, and the hooks make Limp Bizkit look like Led Zeppelin. Sure, there’s a few decent moments – the aforementioned opener features a passable chorus riff, and the refrain of “Emmett Brown Has Never Met a Scott That Wasn’t Great” shows promise with its initial melody and ‘Ooh-oh’ backing vocals before it prematurely truncates itself – but this ultimately makes the album feel like a Big Mac that got chewed up by a Rottweiler and left in a rain-soaked alley. At one point, you can tell it would have made a passable meal, but in its current state you just want to walk away and try not to gag.

If I’m really reaching, the chuggy riffing and lunkheaded lyrics combined with Myers’ totally earnest, Southern swagga inflection do give Euphoric a bit of an amusing ‘so bad it’s good’ quality. And – though it’s not difficult for music this simple – the group can at least play their instruments competently. But overall, the record is appalling from both a musical and thematic standpoint, an obnoxious and superficial attempt at cutting through the bullshit that reminds us that sometimes, the truth is better left obscured. This is a mouth ripped apart by stale Captain Crunch, an aural buttfucking without the lubricant, the sound of dumbbells being thrown around the weight room by muscle-bound men guzzling from gallon water jugs. I’m sure there’s an audience for this somewhere, and if Rebellion finds success from those fans, more power to them. But I can’t imagine myself – or any of the patrons of this site – ever wanting to count themselves among that crowd.


Rating: 1.0/5.0
DR: 4 | Format Reviewed: 320 kbps mp3
Label: Magnetic Eye Records
Website: facebook.com/TheGloriousRebellion | thegloriousrebellionbandcamp.com
Releases Worldwide: April 8th, 2016

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  • El_Cuervo

    I love your reviews Mark. I was chuckling all the way through this one.

  • Grymm

    This can’t be that bad…

    *plays embedded video for a minute*

    Oh goodness, no. Nononononono…

    • Bart the Repairman

      I could remove it from my history on Youtube, but removing it from my head isn’t that easy…

      • [not a Dr]

        Ask Dr Fisting: his skills as a proctodontist should be enough to get you adequate proctoneurosurgery.

  • Nope!

  • SegaGenitals

    Aural buttfucking…

    • Sans lube.

      • Almost a bit too vividly formulated vision. Darned, the images in my mind.

      • SegaGenitals

        In the rear of the ear?

        • [not a Dr]

          This sounds like their next album’s title.

  • André Snyde Lopes

    1.0 is generous…

  • Not my cup of tea. At least the cover is cool.

    • Reese Burns

      Really? I thought it was one of the most cringe-worthy things I’ve ever read.

      • Sounds like something a drunk male chauvinist would say to his bruised girlfriend. It’s a funny remark for about three seconds, but you wouldn’t want anyone to catch you smile.

      • I enjoy the line in a guilty kind of way. Can’t really explain it better than that.

        • Reese Burns

          Well, I guess that’s fair enough

  • Reese Burns

    Well Mr. Z, I extend to you my deepest sympathies for being given the first album in the history of this site that merits a Hellyeah tag.

  • Blueberry Balls

    Holy dog, this is absolutely terrible.

  • Oscar Albretsen

    Well, I made it through a minute and a half of the sample track. Now I just feel sorry for my aural butthole. That is serious junk. My sympathies to the dude that had to review this.

  • Bas

    Terrible, the kind of stuff that gives metal the reputation of being mindless tough guy crap..

  • Dick Cox

    This is absolutely the most ignorant rant for a review that I ever read. If you don’t like it, why waste time bashing it? You’re site is apparently for people who like parody from an over-privileged yuckster who spends his money on Web hosting and SEO.

    • Grumpyrocker

      “If you don’t like it, why waste time bashing it?”

      So writing about art should only be based on material you like? Have you heard of literary criticism? Do you understand what a review is?

      • basenjibrian

        I think…I hope…this (Mr. “Cox”) was a parody response by a stereotypical fan of the band?
        One can hope that, at least.

      • Oscar Albretsen

        Seriously. Why call ’em “reviews” if you skip the bad stuff.

    • Tom Hardy

      Hey member of the band who wishes to be anonymous, keep an open mind about the album review will ya?

      In case you didn’t notice, the site is called Angry Metal Guy. Deal with it or faak off.

      • BillyIII

        I’m in the band. We actually posted a lot of stuff promoting this review, including a video of us reading it. I thought it was hilarious and very well written. Not everyone’s gonna like us. We’re ok with that.

        • Bas

          Hahaha Cool !

    • SegaGenitals

      Your face is yuckster… Burn!

  • Tom Hardy

    What’s the 1.0 rating for? A little high in the rating don’t you think mate?

  • Anarchist

    I’m faced with a dilemma. Pause Sleep at the Edge of the Earth to hear how bad this is, or keep listening to Sleep at the Edge of the Earth.

    I don’t think it’s worth it.

  • Dirty G

    While I agree with some of the comments on this site and there are much better groove metal bands out there like The Very End, I have to give this group credit for knowing exactly who their target audience is and playing up to (or down to) said audience. This is certainly is not the next modern classic but I guarantee somebody will buy it.