“2017 finds Epica as they have ever been (and essentially as they were in 2016 because it’s been eleven fucking months): well-oiled and fun, but still prone to excess and struggling to engender their music with a sense of purpose. A thirty-minute time limit should rein in the former, can a lithe bodice and some deft editing take care of the rest?” In space, no one can hear your bombast.
“Were Angry Metal Guy not lashed to the slave stick most days, I’m sure he would make good on his promise to give this a 1.0/5.0 based solely on how much he hated Eluveitie’s last album Origins. To be fair, that verdict may overstate the strain that Origins placed on Eluveitie’s generic melofolk, but not by much.” Stop straining the folk!
“I love listening to death metal. I could easily call a doctor after four hours spent with innards–outers American, Polish, and every nationality in between. Writing about it? Not so much. For some reason, my enthusiasm never translates to print nearly as well as my usual poser fare. But when death styled after The Lord of the Rings surfaces among the promos — “elf–released” to boot — I will delve the depths to secure my precious, the jewels of Khazaddum.” They have a cave troll.
“Who says being generic is a bad thing? Loads of people love mashed potatoes. Applebee’s makes millions off of Stockholm syndrome victims everyday. Ed Sheeran gets universal radio play despite being the musical equivalent of 160 pounds of Applebee’s mashed potatoes. Eons ago, before departing for the Undying Lands, Happy Metal Guy dropped the G-bomb a whopping seven times to describe German melodeath act Dawn of Disease.” We can’t all be trailblazers.
“Hailing from the wooded glens of Ontario, Hexenklad come bearing as many cursed furs as their teetering carts can bear. Many will recognize SIG:AR:TYR guitarist Mike Grund, but only those hooked into the Canadian black metal scene may notice frontman Timothy “Voldemort Voldamares” Johnston, former member of the now-defunct Eclipse Eternal and contributor to David Gold tribute Heart of Gold.” From the Great White (Blackened) North.
“I know you. You’re like me. You took one look at that hein(ie)ous album title, shook your head, and reported yourself to HR. The obliquely-named Return of the Cosmic Men marks the second effort from French power outfit Galderia, a band whose 2012 debut The Universality was decent but notable only for its group of eight vocal contributors. If Galderia wanted to beat my exceedingly low expectations, they were going to have to show me something special.” Who ordered the special with extra cheese?
“Despite ostensibly belonging to a melodic death circuit that favors homogeneity, Eva Can’t consistently blow my expectations to smithereens. Precursors Inabisso and Hinthial wowed me with their ability to incorporate melodic fervor and technical precision into a range of influences spanning metalcore – Wait! Don’t go! – to classical music. But as the years have gone by, the Italians have departed from a truly consistent sound, resulting in music that is amorphous and difficult to pin down.” Can’t or won’t?
“What’s in a name? For Obscurity, an awful lot. Two decades of hammering away in their Viking forges have produced an armory’s worth of albums, but none particularly sharp. Their Amon Amarth-worship has suffered steep decline since 2010’s Tenkterra, but eighth entry Streitmacht is girding itself for a long raid up the coast.” Gone coasting.
“How do you feel about keyboards? Do you like ’em gloomy and atmospheric? Synthy and cheesy? Perhaps the classic piano flavor does it for you. Whatever your tastes, X.Kernel have got you covered. Their debut Face the Truth follows eight long years of melodic rumination and, if the album art can be believed, enough Phoenix Wright to cause nightmares.” Keys to the kingdom.
Thanks to divine intervention and a quark-sized attention span, I find myself faced with my second super-dense slab of black metal in two weeks. I could take responsibility for this and actually look at my upcoming review calendar from time to time, but I’m American and my right to complain about things I have total control over is in the Constitution. A disclaimer on MRTVI’s bandcamp warns that “Negative Atonal Dissonance is not an album. It is a statement.” Under this guise, it’s quite easy to recommend this eclectic work of art. For many, myself included, it will be one of the most memorable experiences of the year.” Hold onto something firm.
