12Jacket_3mm_spine_all_sides.inddI like to think, two years into my writing gig here at Angry Metal Guy Industries Unlimited, Inc., that I would have a pretty solid idea as to how to approach a review at any given time. Listen to an album over and over, look up band’s page, throw together some lofty or detrimental words, give it a number, and *BOOM!* Pictures, publish, print, next. But there will come a time when a band puts out an album where you’re perplexed as to how to approach, grade, or even talk about it. Not because you’ve never heard anything like this before, but because it makes you seriously contemplate where it places on the numerical scale, or how successful it is in conveying its very intent? Typhonian Wormholes: Indecipherable Antistructural Formulæ, the debut EP by Indian blackened noisemongers Tetragrammacide, is such an album.

What does it sound like? It’s hatred boiled down to its impurest, most vile form. It’s two members, Uragnostic Eliminator and M.Opium (whose jobs in the band are completely unknown, even after much researching), care not for your feelings, your eardrums, or for your frivolous, foolish desires for such things like hooks, melodies, or anything close to resembling what you would call “structure.” This is the sound of armageddon, and not the sound of “doom metal” as the folder I was given described it as [That was a trap.Steel Druhm]. This is the sound of two men going to all-out war on your eardrums for 21 minutes and not letting up until you go deaf, dumb, and utterly liquidated from the amount of sheer vitriol given forth by Typhonian Wormholes.

But there’s this problem, and I’m sure you scrolled down to the embedded video, pressed “Play,” and figured it out all on your little lonesome. The entire album sounds that bad. So bad that, even on low settings, I had to take my headphones off, or put on Anaal Nathrakh or Voices. Y’know, something with melody and dynamics. This is Enbilulugugal without the humor or irony. This isn’t engaging, gripping, exciting, or horrific.

Tetragrammacide_2015aSpeaking of Enbilulugugal, if you haven’t already figured it out by looking at the dynamic range score below, Tetragrammacide borrowed the Californians’ XBox Kinect, which seems to have broken en route to India, and plugged it into what sounds like a barely-functional Hello Kitty tape recorder to chronicle this monstrosity. There are guitars in there somewhere, there may or may not be bass, and the cymbals sound like me throwing my pots and pans at my neighbors after they had the gall to serve me a mixed candy dish of M&Ms and Skittles. The vocals are deep and guttural, but serve as distant background noise. But again, this cares not for my listening enjoyment or for my mental well-being. It exists just to piss you off.

And that’s where I’m torn. Typhonian Wormholes is relentless. Seething. Acrimonious, even. There is nothing even remotely enjoyable on here, and that’s the intent. But do you see yourself coming back to it after listening to it just once? Hell, would your life seem any better, more rich and fulfilling, if you let this go noisily to the wayside? Because honestly, there’s nothing to see or hear on this EP otherwise.

Rating: 0.0/5.0
DR: 0 | Format Reviewed: 192 kbps mp3
Label: Iron Bonehead Productions
Website: tetragrammacide.bandcamp.com | facebook.com/tetragrammacide
Releases Worldwide: November 9th, 2015

  • A dark day.

    • Have we ever actually remarked that a 0.0 is a -1 on a traditional 10 point scale? I’m smrt.

      • sir_c

        Going logarithmic would be less finite

      • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

        Sorry to be the Math Asshole but… a 0.0 is a 0 in a 10 point scale.

      • [not a Dr]

        I didn’t get that 0.0 was the score… I thought that was Grymm, startled speechless, staring wide-eyed with bewilderment.

    • Monsterth Goatom

      Kind of makes The Devil’s Cut look good, doesn’t it?

      • Pimpolho

        When did it ever look bad?

    • Francesco Bordoni

      Nnooooooooouuwh, the darkday has come
      Now I know – now I see
      That evil never dies
      It just sleeps

  • El_Cuervo

    Anaal Nathrakh… dynamics.

    Anaal Nathrakh… dynamics…

    Nope, still don’t understand how those 2 things go together!

    • sir_c

      It hangs in the air like bricks don’t. [/adams]

    • Kronos

      Yeah I was confused on that one too, but as unlistenable as AN records are, this is far worse.

    • It’s called an “oxymoron” for those keeping score.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Well, I dig it, mayhaps in the same twisted way I dig noise and the aforementioned Enbilulugugal, but I dig it.

  • Arikael

    Sometimes I have the feeling Iron Bonehead would release anything…

    This is horrible

    • Grymm

      I’m still waiting for this to be released on the trvest, most kvlt of formats: Fisher-Price Phonograph record (in Satanic lime green, blasphemous purple, and sheer hatred orange. Limited to 150 copies each).

      • Monsterth Goatom

        That would be a perfect record to play on my Mickey Mouse record player, if I only still had the damn thing. Should have held on to it. Probably worth something now.

        • sir_c

          But does it play backwards? Cos that is what you need for trve kvlt metal

          • [not a Dr]

            That may be what we’re meant to do with this. Maybe it would score 5/0 !

  • Martin Knap

    I heard this before, I remember wondering why anyone wants any money for this.

  • Øystein Olav Skaar

    Disturbing, utterly disturbing.

  • Iron Bonehead is “always on the lookout for the most savage and unrelenting sounds in the metal underground”, but now they can finally end their search, for they have found it.

    I wrote about this piece of utter garbage before I realized the release date was postponed.
    I’ve successfully managed to repress all recollection of this worthless rubbish. Thanks for reminding me of this traumatic experience.

  • Rob Nine

    Sounds to me like Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music with St. Anger’s production quality.

    • cxj

      You’re being extremely generous.

    • You mean Lulu?

      • Grymm

        I was just about to say that.

        • Rob Nine

          I was thinking solely of the snare drum on St Anger, but Lulu would have been a better analogy.

  • Diabolus_in_Muzaka

    From your description and the embed this sounds like a truly postmodern metal record. Instead of being actual audible hatred/darkness/misery/whatever, it’s the idea of those things because the creators tell us it is. To my ears, the use of words is then the primary artistic element here. Without the contextualization given by the band, this piece would come across as basically worthless, a bunch of noise for the sake of it. It expresses nothing, invokes no mood, and is just irritating to listen to; it’s the musical equivalent of someone painting two black lines on a white canvas and saying it represents the duality of man or something; we have to glean the meaning from the creator, because the art isn’t good enough to “create a world” on its own merit.

    Contrast this with a great work of black metal like “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas”. If we knew nothing about that song, its creators, or anything whatsoever, we can still tell that it’s expressing something evil and dark. “But of course it sounds that way, it has blast beats and screaming and such!” Granted, but there’s a version of it and a few other songs from the record performed on piano, and they achieve the exact same effect because DMDS is objectively good art. This is in the clearest sense not. That’s why I agree entirely with our first ever 0/5. Thank you for the awesome review, Grymm.

    • eloli

      “Without the contextualization given by the band, this piece would come across as basically worthless, a bunch of noise for the sake of it.”

      Actually, no, this is worthless crap, contextualization notwithstanding. :D

      • Diabolus_in_Muzaka

        With the context it’s still worthless, but it’s a worthless expression of “hatred boiled down to its impurest, most vile form” as Grymm said in his review. I’m going to assume Grymm only knew that because the band/promo material said so. My point was that once those words are read, this is always-already contextualized in that sense, and that’s the only reason it is. All this is to say you’re completely right; I was trying to point out above that this is for all intents and purposes objectively bad art; “worthless crap” is a good synonym for that.

        • From what I can make out of the actual music (hah), it’s fairly standard black metal. The only novelty is the fucking terrible production. Using shitty production to make yourselves more extreme isn’t creative or interesting, it’s just lazy and a substitute for having the creativity to make genuinely extreme music.

  • Hubert

    I fully understand your review, and the score, but I dig this. Something’s very satisfying about this, and it isn’t just the noise. This isn’t something I would listen to for more than two or three times though.
    *Flips table*
    *Destroys table*
    *Eats what’s left of the table*

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Fancy new feeling, agreeing with you of all people.

    • Yeah. I dig this as well. Whatever, I’ll eat what’s left of your table poo later on while listening to this.

    • ALSO BANNED: Howard Dean


  • Eddy Ferreira

    The fuck is this shit?!

  • fifteen years ago I had a number of friends who played noise. Their stuff sounded just like this. But they were also young and on drugs and, most importantly, no record label in its right mind would ever have signed them and actually recorded their nonsense.

    Anyway if you do enjoy this, try Merzbow. That crazy bastard knows noise.

  • I’m all about the “lo-fi” black metal production techniques usually, but this is just too much.

  • André Snyde Lopes

    0.0 AND DR0?

    That’s, like, a double whammy of awful.

    • Monsterth Goatom

      It would make a great Christmas sweater.

      • Grymm

        Great. Now watch me get this on a Christmas sweater.

        • Monsterth Goatom

          I double dog dare you!

        • We haven’t managed to get AMG t-shirts yet and now you want Christmas sweaters?? Madness.

  • Dr. A.N. Grier

    I am speechless… If I didn’t know any better, I would have looked at that score and the DR rating and thought this was a joke. But nope.

    And, because I really don’t know any better, I’m considering buying this just because.

    • Pimpolho

      Don’t do it, man!

      • Dr. A.N. Grier

        Maybe I’ll convince one of my loser friends to buy it for me for Christmas…

    • Monsterth Goatom

      It’d make a good conversation piece; something to bring out at parties. One could argue it belongs in an AMG Hall of Fame: “this, my friends, is our first ever 0/5”.

      • Dr. A.N. Grier

        We have an empty cabinet in the hallway for 0/5 albums. Finally!!! But now someone needs to get all the fucking printer paper out of there.

  • Stefunal

    Listened to the song for two minutes and three seconds until I got that there’s no intro and the song actually started. Then my mother came in and asked if my Laptop is broken.

  • You rated something lower than Ghoulgotha! Never thought we would see the day. Yet it is here. You know, your Ghoulgotha review made me want to hear the album and I’ve since grown fond of it, especially after reading the guitarist/songwriter’s comments on the review. This one though, I dunno. Like Gulaggh’s Vorkuta, this may be one to throw on when I want to scare the kids or punish myself. Great great review!

  • Pimpolho

    This is beyond shitty. The production makes me want to puke. It is definitely worth a 0/0. Great review.

    • sir_c

      0/0 is pretty good actually

  • Philip Pledger

    But…But…where’s the SONG?

  • HOORAY!! Amaranthe is officially better than something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Iain Gleasure

    And people complain about power metal’s excesses being bad…

  • basenjibrian

    Bravo! A 0/5 review! The Dark Metal Gods have been SATED!

  • Dr. Scorpion

    0.It’s a grymm day.0.

  • Dr. Scorpion

    Someone call Noctus.

  • Elton Chagas

    Man, I just can’t believe someone gave this album a 87% score in Metal Archives.

    The guy must be a white noise researcher or something like that…

    • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

      The guy must be IN the band!

      • Dr. A.N. Grier

        I’d bet money you are right… Or chocolate coins. I could bet/go for some chocolate coins right now.

        • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

          I’d rather bet money than chocolate. Chocolate is too good to lose.

  • Martijn Brugman

    This sound like somebody told a sound engineer on his first job: “You’de better make it loud, or else”. As a result, we are listening to clipping. After hearing this, I will not whine about DR6 being too loud.

    • Martijn Brugman

      Also, I have the suspicion that the track is a truely epic work of black metal, which is hidden from us by this slight technical cockup.

  • sweetooth0

    I like some noise from time to time, so this suits me just fine. Reminds me of something like Wold perhaps, but with more of a focus on the “bestial black/war metal” aesthetic. It’s clearly supposed to sound awful, that’s the point.

    • Vote for Jeb

      Ha, I told Tyree it reminded me of Wold as well.

  • Meat Tornado

    Sounds like a cellphone video recording of a brutal death metal show

  • This album rules. I listened to this 4 times today actually. I love my horrible goddamn taste!

    Can’t wait to see your Nyogthaeblisz review when that album comes out next year.

  • AnnieK13

    I think your rating was a tad too generous…

  • Hm. How does it sound on good earphones? Because on my laptop, it kinda sounds like white noise.
    I wonder… there’s a certain Stanisław Lem novel, where scientists spend years trying to figure out what an almost-white noise message from aliens might mean. They synthesize some goo from it. (This is not the point of the novel.) So I was just wondering, what kinda goo could we make from this? The virus that finally wipes out humanity?

    • Grymm

      I listened to this on headphones, and it sounds like WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?!

      Hope that answers things.

  • Carlos Marrickvillian

    Thats just down right irritating,
    I suspect these guys are trolls and heartily slapping their thighs because someone had to listen this for more than 20 seconds.

  • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

    This sounds just like digital crap. Which is kind of a reliefe because no instruments were harmed during the… recording? abortion? of this… album? crap?

  • Danno

    Cue Wold, if noise is your particular poison. The embedded track is nigh on musical by way of comparison, though. Cha-cha.

  • DukeJohn

    Makes you wonder why Amaranthe didn’t get a 1.0…

  • Name’s Dalton

    Their review made me giddy. It was pithy, funny, scathing and wrestled with the meta with which this album presented the writer. Bravo. Brafuckingo.

  • FutureBeyondSatan

    The only thing that could make this worse is if Geoff Tate was on vocals.

    • Grymm

      Complete with saxophones and exercise machines.

  • sssgadget

    White noise.

  • HohenheimOL

    I feel like cracking a joke about India having designated shitting streets, but any joke I could possibly make would pale in comparison to this designated shitting album.

  • Alexandre Barata

    Ok i’ve heard some white noise more musical than this.

  • Lasse Momme

    This is like the Big Rigs of AMG

    • Grymm

      I never thought of this EP in that light.

      Holy SHIT, that’s a truly awesome comparison. That game was HORRIBLE.

  • michael rodrigues

    this like actually isnt even terrible come on

    • Grymm

      This is like totally horrible and grody it’s my review man I mean eww.

  • Ivan Fernandes

    Well, I’ve all records from Ildjarn and I’m sure he made worst songs than this one! Actually I don’t dislike it…

  • Aguy

    I’m not sure why no one’s noticed this, but obviously what happened was someone pushed the studio over the side of a steep hill while Tetragrammacide was in it, and the studio mics just kept recording while the studio tumbled down the hill and all the instruments crashed over and over against the walls, floor, and ceiling, slowly pulverizing the screaming band members into bloody bits as they flew around.

    And THAT is fucking metal.

    I insist that the score be changed to a 5.

    • Grymm

      …please make this Comment of the Thread.

      Pretty please.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    To me this isn’t music. It’s just pretentious noise. I completely agree with this rating.

  • Damn, I take some time off from the site and I happen to miss the first ever 0.0/DR0. Typical.

  • SKP

    The more people trash this band, it will gain a niche following among extreme metallers. Portal is another band from Australia which was kinda similar – dissonant, but raw and unforgiving.

  • Apple Tree

    Ive never seen a record on any website ever before that has both a DR and rating of zero. Makes sense though

  • Tired Science Guy

    Is that chugging in the static supposed to be the bass drum? This sounds like a somebody recorded a reverb off the world shittiest amp and played it back about 10 times to get the guitar sound. I though Fleshgod Apocalypse vocals were unintelligible but dear God I was two minutes through this song before I realized that back ground droning was the vocal track. Motherfucker if this is what other people hear when we play them death metal i suddenly understand the aversion

  • lysergikon

    Took me a while to figure out what everyone’s beef with this album is, and then I looked at the rest of the reviews on this website…

    Y’all listen to some shit music. How did you even end up reviewing this? This is pretty far out from your cheeseball territory.