“Nothing pleases me more than writing a review for a new Vulture Industries record. After getting the shaft from Seasons of Mist in 2017, I could only bring Stranger Times to the public via TYMHM. Dark Essence Records was kind enough to send us the promo for this year’s Ghosts from the Past, and ole Grier is happy in the pants.” Vultures, ghosts and happy pants.
“I remember being blown away by the badassery that is 2007’s Sons of the Jackal. Whenever I find myself thinking back on that album, I typically spend a week with it on repeat. But, no matter how old these gents get, they never soften. And this year’s Poison Chalice once again proves that there’s no room for posers, and please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times.” Damned if you don’t.
“Nothing against Whythre’s 2015 debut, Hel’s Hollow, but it’s shit. It’s slow, dull, and the vocals are just dreadful. To make matters worse, said vocals are all you can hear. It’s like being blissfully drunk, and then your wife yells at you for being such a loser. But it’s ok; those days are past us. Since the release of the debut, Whythre has done a complete overhaul. New singer, new direction, and, goddamn, I am here for it.” Unsafe practices.
Immortal have returned after a five-year absence in the frozen tundra. You know what that means. Grier and Grymm have reunited in love to bring you another double review of hot takes.
“Twenty-twenty’s follow-up, Phanerozoic II: Mesozoic | Cenozoic, dragged us through the Triassic and Jurassic periods, bringing us to our current epoch of existence—the Holocene. Ending that album with ‘Holocene,’ the closer stood out among the rest. Its lavish textures and feel-good beauty separated it from the violent cacophony of the back-to-back ‘Triassic’ and ‘Jurassic.’ An approach that the band takes for almost the entirety of Holocene. Switching gears ever-so-slightly to a softer approach, this new epoch in The Ocean’s journey embodies birth, growth, and life. But does Holocene capture the true spirit of this final leg? Is it worthy enough to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Phanerozoic I and Phanerozoic II? As with all great things, only time will tell.” World building.
“The band’s 2015 debut record, The Future Is Now, is a predictable platter of one-dimensional black/thrash riffs with gravelly vocals and the occasional Slayer pig squeal. That album flowed like one thirty-eight-minute track, barely allowing you to process a song before throwing you into the next. In general, the album is standard-fare black/thrash. Eight years later, the band returns with a new outing in the form of Visions of a Parallel World. But, this time, the production is far superior to its predecessor. The rawness is still there, the vocals are lower in the mix, the guitars rule the roost, and the dynamics are pleasing to the ear. The only thing that remains is the songwriting.” Speed kills ladies of the evening.
“Another rando and another band I should already know but don’t. Mezzrow has been around since the late ’80s, trying to bring America’s brand of thrash to the halls o’ Sweden. For various reasons—issues with their label and losing band member after band member—all that came out of their struggles was 1990’s Then Came the Killing. A ’91 demo later, and Mezzrow was no more. Fast forward sixteen years, and the band reforms for a live performance. Their small but passionate fanbase was excite. Would Mezzrow record a new album?” Not Merzbow.
“Like me, you probably haven’t heard of North Carolina’s Children of the Reptile. But we are going to fix that today. Because you should listen to them and their third LP, Heavy Is the Head. Despite the endless possibilities of poking fun at that album title, I’ve had too much fun with the record for petty dick jokes. Though back-catalog gems like ‘Good Times Orc,’ ‘Master of the Forge,’ ‘Cro-Magnon Combat,’ and ‘Halls of the Skeleton Lord’ would suggest Children of the Reptile are another budding power metal outfit, they are not.” Snake no mistake.
“This Danish quintet is back to massage your thighs with melodic coconut butter before headbutting you in the junk with their signature combination of groove and thrash. After taking longer than usual between albums, HateSphere has stripped back all those orchestral interludes and sprinklings of clean vox to deliver the back-to-basics Hatred Reborn to you. And new vocalist Mathias Uldall (from the metalcore outfit Royal Deceit) is along for the ride.” Touch the anger orb.
“Though I’ve explored every album and every song from these Finnish monsters (sometimes multiple times over the years), I do not fully enjoy their music. But, when I see a new Lordi release, my ignorance overcomes, and I snatch it open immediately. Why I do it, I don’t know. But it’s not like any other writer would dare touch it, thereby dumping unnecessary stress on myself to find it in the bin and claim it. But that’s what I do. Because no one seems to like this band, and I’m the only one stupid enough to review them. That said, you’re all idiots for reading this.” Lordi, Lordi.
