“As made blatantly obvious in my first review of 2015, last year left me drained, beaten, and more fucked over than a single person can stand. So, it is only fitting that Hellbastard’s brutally honest and extremely pissed-off Feral allowed me the opportunity to let everything go, smash shit, speed recklessly down the highway, and drop a big “fuck you” to all the bullshit.” Go fookin coconuts!
“Oddly enough, when I was dropped Svärta’s Sepultus, I immediately thought of last year’s debut from Madmans Esprit. Not that the Swedish black metal outfit is completely comparable to the gothic/black metal band from South Korea, but they share their love for disrupting standard black-metal frenzies with perfectly executed transitions of melody and pure sadness.” Sad boy black metal? Let’s kick sand on it!
“Ever since I first rode side-by-side with Tom Englund above the crowd of an old Cajun-themed bar in Scottsdale, Arizona, I’ve been one of the biggest Evergrey fanboys ever. I’ve followed along for years as they powered their way through thick and (sadly) thin. Though I was ecstatic about the return of a couple significant members, I was a little let done by Hymns for the Broken.” Could it be that the good Doctor found a generic Evergrey substitute on the market.
“If there’s anyone to thank for this review of Kingcrow’s Eidos, it would have to be our esteemed Steward King, Steel Druhm. This little piece of progressive mastery almost slipped through the cracks before the dreaded Scribe Hammer™ came crashing down on my checkerboard mahogany and human-flesh paneled desk. Said Hammer (and the tyrannical HR department) may be painful here at the AMG office, but without the necessary discipline, AMG writers would run amok and reviews would focus almost exclusively on 600-700 words of the exact nonsense you just read.” Spare the rod, spoil the blog.
“If it was a bunch of one-man black metal bands before, now it’s a bunch of cheez whiz coming Count Grier’s way. Previously it was in the form of the slick The Valiant/Valiant’s/Variant/Variant’s Fire release by Damnation Angels and now it’s Time Stands Still from Canadian-based Unleash the Archers.” Don’t they mean “unleash the arrows”?
“Do a quick Google (or should I say YouTube) search of vocalist PelleK. If you are not familiar with this name, you will discover that he loves selfies, modeled shots, filming himself singing other people’s shit, and acting in Norwegian TV shows. Though his solo work in Pellek is enough to make me wanna set myself on fire (which includes sixteen cover albums of EVERYTHING from Pokemon and Power Rangers themes to ’90s sitcom themes), his four-octave range is simply incredible. So, were Damnation Angels damnable fools for snatching him up for 2013’s Bringer of Light and 2015’s The Valiant Fire?” You know you want to hear those Pokémon themes.
“Those that know Total Negation know that Wiedergaenger can do more than just play the drums. New release, Zeitzeuge, continues down the road of weird, depressive black metal that Wiedergaenger built; full of depression, German lyrics, oddball percussion instruments, and even some of those stringed ones.” Can the stringed ones carry these tunes above mediocrity?
“Sterbhaus’ style crosses borders between thrash, death, black, fun and simply retarded.” They have a song called ” Frogboiler” so what else needs to be said?
“Ok, be honest. If I told you today’s review was for a double album that clocked in at nearly 160 minutes and consisted of atmospheric blackened doom metal, what would you say? Well, if you’ve heard of Midnight Odyssey, my guess is that you would either say, “No shit, it’s out?” or “Fuck, not them again…” If you don’t know of the band you might say, “Oh wow, I gots to hear me some of that” or “fuck that dribble.” Honesty from Honest Abe Grier, my initial thought veered to the latterest of the latters.” Have two hours to spare? Sure you do.
“Watching Gorgoroth grow up is like watching your dipshit nephew grow up. Getting busted for stealing Bazooka bubblegum as a child, knocking up his high-school girlfriend, marrying her, divorcing her, running out on his kid, and then fighting his ex for full custody of a child he hates. The biggest difference between the trials and tribulations faced by Gorgoroth and your asshole nephew is that Gorgoroth’s are worse.” Those wacky Satanists….
