Master of Muppets

Probably doesn't know you, definitely doesn't like you.
Akolyth – Akolyth Review

Akolyth – Akolyth Review

“I can tell you right now: Akolyth’s self-titled debut is not the standard Muppet order. Blacker than a collapsed sun’s anus, and twice as heavy and half as clean, Akolyth is pvre obsidian carnage of the kvltest order, a raw black nightmare as far removed from my gaze-y gaze as possible.” Black Friday.

Noctu – Gelidae Mortis Imago Review

Noctu – Gelidae Mortis Imago Review

“When I hear the term “funeral doom,” several words immediately come to mind: slow, reeeally fucking slow, crushing, monolithic, etc. I am moved to many turns ov phrase in the presence of funeral doom, yet one word which rarely plods to the forefront of my funereal lexicon is also one which I cannot avoid when discussing the genre: what is “funeral,” Alex?” I’ll take Potpourr-zees for $200.

Walking Rumor – Symbiosis Review

Walking Rumor – Symbiosis Review

“I’ve tried so hard to defend the potential inherent to all walks of musical life, nü-metal included, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter. Willful subjection to nü-metal was a self-destructive gamble at best, and Walking Rumor dealt me the unforgiving hand that I apparently deserved.” Muppet karma.

Then Comes Silence – Machine Review

Then Comes Silence – Machine Review

“For starters, one of the weirder batches of name drops that I’ve ever whipped together: Then Comes Silence sound something like the frolicking gloomchild of The Cure, MGMT, Eurythmics, and Impure Wilhelmina. Machine is a strange thing of bouncing electronica and sullen prog, a 45-minute dance through the tears—or maybe it’s with?” Auto-saboi.

Dawn of Ouroboros – The Art of Morphology Review

Dawn of Ouroboros – The Art of Morphology Review

“I found Dawn of Ouroboros out walking after midnight through the Bandcamp grounds, and while I may have ultimately been hauled back to my angry metal prison in a most silverback-ed and unceremonious fashion, you can bet your sorry ass that I managed to smuggle the Californians’ debut back with me. You’re welcome.” Muppet Mythos.

Yer Indefensible Metal is Olde: Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory

Yer Indefensible Metal is Olde: Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory

“Any attempts to explain the appeal and prevalence of nü-metal to someone who didn’t live through its invasion firsthand would surely be futile. Sure, even in its heyday there were plenty of anti-hipsters eager to decry the fledgling sub-genre to anyone not set to Away in their AIM directory, yet those of us who sipped on Surge instead of Haterade saw nü-metal as something more than a particularly loud Hot Topic clearance event.” Park and deride.

Mental Health Awareness: Interview with Nils Groth of Heretoir

Mental Health Awareness: Interview with Nils Groth of Heretoir

“Nobody likes being depressed, plain and simple. It inherently brings us somewhere cold, dark and painful, and conversations centered around the subject can often lead to similarly unpleasant destinations. As important and necessary as communication is, whether we’re struggling with mental distress or walkin’ on friggin’ sunshine, depression and anxiety are often able to plant themselves directly between the affected individual and their ability to effectively convey their struggles—and that sucks, yo.”