Master of Muppets

Probably doesn't know you, definitely doesn't like you.
Coldbones – Where It All Began Review

Coldbones – Where It All Began Review

By Master of Muppets on April 14, 2018 in 2018, Crooked Noise Records, English Metal, Instrumental Metal, Post-metal, Post-Rock, Progressive Metal, Reviews, Instrumental Metal, Progressive Metal, 37 comments

“I’ve been a fan of England’s Coldbones since the very beginning of this review. Though the trio of Tory’s has been doing their cold and bony thing since at least 2014, I began this adventure with zero prior exposure to these kids from Kent, selecting this one solely for the band name. Progressive shoegaze may be the genre tag, but the imagery evoked by that namesake brought tidings of darkness just as grim as blackened—anything and I was worried that there was too much happiness in my life as of late, so here we are at Where It All Began. Now let’s, like, begin.” Shoe believer.

Octopus – Supernatural Alliance Review

Octopus – Supernatural Alliance Review

By Master of Muppets on April 10, 2018 in 2018, American Metal, Psychedelic Rock, Retro Metal, Reviews, Rise Above Records, Rock, Psychedelic Rock, Retro Metal, Rock, 78 comments

“Here we are, once again, gathered together under the metaphoric roof of the Angry Metal Hall. Our ranks comprise fans of all walks of metal, no two tastes are identical and yet we all convene here to bang our heads as one. What joins us disparate degenerates as children of the Jørn? What fantastic force unites the photometers, hamsters, and screaming boxes that plague our comment section? The answer holds as trve now as in those dark days preceding the internet: it’s the riffs, stupid. This obvious answer in turn poses an obvious question: “What does this have to do with Octopus’ Supernatural Alliance?”” What a big tent you have.

Coilguns – Millennials Review

Coilguns – Millennials Review

By Master of Muppets on April 4, 2018 in 2018, Hummus Records, Metalcore, Reviews, Swiss Metal, Metalcore, 57 comments

“Since the time before time, the Angry Metal Promo Bin has relegated one specific sub-genre to its shadowy recesses, solely to be invoked for the most incensed, no-fucks-given of contemptuous insults. I’m talking, of course, about metalcore, the bastard product of bastard children bastardizing metal with their bastardly ways, the bastards. Ye Angry Metal Faithful know that metalcore is a damnation typically reserved for the most hated of Jørn’s children, so why in His name have I delivered His flock directly unto the wolves?” Misery loves muppetry.

RÛR – RÛR Review

RÛR – RÛR Review

By Master of Muppets on March 29, 2018 in 2018, Ambient Metal, Black Metal, Epic Metal, Northern Silence Productions, Norwegian Metal, Reviews, Atmospheric Black Metal, Black Metal, Epic Metal, 64 comments

“Oh, departures. Not traditionally a wildly anticipated experience, and yet to know someone is to invariably set the stage for a future farewell; all roads end in goodbye, whether spoken aloud, though silently alone, or else whispered in the dark before an audience of no one. Some goodbyes sing of poignant possibility, others give voice to the shape of grief to come. But the declaration of egress I now deliver unto you, my children, sounds… waaay more fuckin’ bleak than I had intended to, yo, good Jørn. In a nutshell, what I mean is that RÛR’s self-titled triumph is the last black metal review I intend to write for a while and it’s as befitting the occasion as they come.” Goodbye to necromance.

Slaves BC – Lo, and I Am Burning Review

Slaves BC – Lo, and I Am Burning Review

By Master of Muppets on March 22, 2018 in 2018, American Metal, Black Metal, Doom Metal, Reviews, Sludge Metal, The Fear and the Void Recordings, Black Metal, Doom Metal, Sludge Metal, 119 comments

“Remember Dodecahedron, oooh and how a certain timeless scribe-god lauded their last effort as being worthy of emulation? Yeah, I ‘member, and I also ‘member thinking the lad a tad light in the heart box when he confessed to its ability to bring him to actual physical discomfort. ‘That’s not a thing!’ says I, omitting a slanderous phrase or six from this recollection for the sake of the children. Dialing up the reverb and deliberately hitting ‘wrong’ notes can establish a malevolent aesthetic effectively enough, yet I have never encountered music genuinely able to instill honest-to-God fear in me through sound alone. Well, ‘had’ never.” Fear and the Muppet.

Eryn Non Dae. – Abandon of the Self Review

Eryn Non Dae. – Abandon of the Self Review

By Master of Muppets on March 12, 2018 in 2018, Ambient Metal, Avante Garde, Black Metal, Debemur Morti, French Metal, Reviews, Ambient Metal, Black Metal, 114 comments

“Eryn Non Dae.’s follow-up to 2012’s Meliora is something I’d long dreamt of, and thanks to France and the promo bin I – with humble objectivity and tact – get to demonstrate to you bitches once again why Muppet taste is best taste. Spoiler alert: this album is fucking glorious.” Franks and fiends.

Ancst – Ghosts of the Timeless Void Review

Ancst – Ghosts of the Timeless Void Review

By Master of Muppets on March 4, 2018 in 2018, Black Metal, German Metal, Hardcore, Lifeforce Records, Reviews, Black Metal, Hardcore, 35 comments

“Ancst have put in a tremendous amount of work since assuming the metal mantle. Birthed in Berlin and born bearing the badge of Angst back in 2011, these Germans have done much more than change their name since erupting into existence under the new moniker in 2012. Six splits, seven EPs, and one excellent full-length have reared their livid heads along the way. And the beast only continues to grow, both in presence and power. There’s more Ancst and more to Ancst with each new offering, and Ghosts of the Timeless Void is no exception.” Void rage.

Chaos Echœs – Mouvement Review

Chaos Echœs – Mouvement Review

By Master of Muppets on February 19, 2018 in 2018, Avante Garde, Black Metal, French Metal, Nuclear War Now! Productions, Reviews, Black Metal, 1 comment

“Contrary to popular belief, researchers have recently concluded that all metal does not, in fact, sound the same. Turns out, there are completely different styles of metal altogether. Like, tons of them. There’s a speed one, and a black one, and a doooom one and a melodeath… *ahem* Anyway, the point of my having shattered your world with such unfathomable concepts was to pave the way for blasphemous trvth bomb number two: it’s not always about the riffs, yo.” Metal awareness.