Cock Rock

Sandness – Untamed Review

Sandness – Untamed Review

“Sandness. The essence of sand. It’s coarse and it’s rough and it’s irritating and it gets everywhere. Such characteristics are not really desirable for a young Italian rock band releasing their third album and aiming to bring 80s hair metal to the modern day. Untamed follows a 3-year break, a time in which the band aimed to create something “more straightforward, shorter and more lighthearted,” descriptors which are quite different to those listed above. But the real queries are around quality. Do they achieve their goals? Should you invest your time here? Do I like Sand(ness)?” The Sandness of love.

90’s Metal Weirdness – Mötley Crüe – Mötley Crüe (1994)

90’s Metal Weirdness – Mötley Crüe – Mötley Crüe (1994)

Cast your minds back to a time when metal music was not cool. Nay, indeed, a time when metal was anathema to all that was considered to be “chic” and “in.” A time when your favorite bands were actually encouraged by the music industry to play slower, cut their hair, and write sensitive lyrics about their childhoods. Yes, this unfortunately really happened. Our semi-irregular feature “90s Metal Weirdness” focuses on albums released between 1992 and 2001 and which we all probably would rather forget. But in the service of publicly shaming the musicians involved, we have pushed forward. Mötley Crüe was weird.

Striker – Striker Review

Striker – Striker Review

“It’s no secret that I’m a fan of these Albertans’ sound. It’s basically the best parts of the 80s glam scene roughed up a good bit (to refer to Steven Tyler’s famous thoughts on, the dudes no longer look like ladies) by the addition of modern heavy metal party rock like Holy Grail and their ilk. Striker’s sound is similar to a well-made cheap beer like Old Style Pilsner: perfectly agreeable, easy to swallow, easy to enjoy in large quantities, even better when inebriated, and palatable to a wide range of folks.” We like beer.

Crazy Lixx – Crazy Lixx Review

Crazy Lixx – Crazy Lixx Review

“You know how Kurt Cobain killed Hair Metal? Of course you know; we’ve been through this already. He didn’t. Yes folks, it’s time for your second dose of hair metal in under a month! You see, while AMG has been distracted dealing with Steel Druhm’s incessant efforts to inject more Jorn onto the site by any means necessary, I’ve launched my own elaborately coiffured campaign to restyle Angry Metal Guy into the far more fabulous Hair Metal Guy.” Jorn in the U.S.A.!

Skyscraper – Elevation Review

Skyscraper – Elevation Review

“I want to begin this review of Skyscraper‘s début, Elevation, with a game of complete the lyrics, from sixth track “Walk Through Fire.” “I walk through fire…” (a) “while in ferocious combat with the dragon sent by the Elven armies,” (b) “in order to emulate the fiery depths of Hell for my unification with Lucifer,” or (c) “for you.” Done? If you chose (a) or (b) then I regret to inform you that neither option is correct, but if you liked either, I would suggest that this record may not align with your usual musical preferences (and that you should book an appointment with your local shrink and/or exorcist).” Well, I flunked that pop quiz bigtime. I hate pop quizzes.

Lou Siffer and the Howling Demons – At Your Service Review

Lou Siffer and the Howling Demons – At Your Service Review

Lou Siffer and the Howling Demons are the bastard offspring of a devil-may-care attitude and a party roaring like a room full of V8 engines. Hailing from, of all places, the blackened heart of Sweden, this band of evildoers loudly spew their volatile and contagious brand of aggressive hard rock and gruff, gasoline powered heavy metal to bring you their second full-length jammed with fast cars, horror, death and violence. At Your Service continues on from where The Devil’s Ride left off, combining the familiar influences of Chrome Division, Volbeat, Corrosion of Conformity and even The Misfits, leaving you with a funky taste in your mouth that smacks of familiarity and a lot of devilish fun!” Looks like the party’s in your mouth and everyone is…invited.

On Top – Top to Bottom Review

On Top – Top to Bottom Review

“Sift through the empty beer bottles in the dustiest recesses of your mind and head back to 2011. On Top‘s début Top Heavy hits the shelves and like its cheesy 80s era cover art, the contents reeked with the stench of immaturity. Three years on and Philideliphia’s On Top haven’t changed their leopard print cock-rocking undies!” Animal print undies are never a sign of maturity. Never.

Enforcer – Death By Fire Review

Enforcer – Death By Fire Review

Enforcer is an easy band to poke fun at. Though from Sweden, they play a retro style that seeks to hit the sweet spot between NWOBHM and early American speed metal acts like Abattoir, Jag Panzer and Attacker, with the occasional dose of hair metal/cock rock tossed in for shits and giggles. This style calls for a fair amount of skin-tight white jeans, hairspray, bullet belts and overall silliness pasted on a rickety frame of Iron Maiden and Saxon riffs. How that strikes you is a very personal matter and I’m not one to judge (that’s a lie. I’ve been silently judging you all for years).

Adrenaline Mob – Omerta

Adrenaline Mob – Omerta

I’m a Russell Allen fanboy. I sing his praises every chance I get because he’s one of the best vocalists to ever grace the metal genre. Whether its his work with Symphony X, Allen/Lande or Star One, his vocals make good music great and great music stupendous. It was only a matter of time however, until we found out what his vocals could do for average or bad music.