“But, Bonehunter threw the first punch and the only way up is down. We might as well take it all out (and get it all out) because Bone(r)hunter’s newest record flails and flops like a fully erect Grizzly dick. Submit to the Sexual Panic Human Machine.” Bonus bear.
“There is something surprisingly comforting, dare I say nostalgic, in Nexul’s punishing full-length début Paradigm of Chaos. Perhaps it’s the wistfulness attached to the band’s raw, hissy black/death metal approach and over-the-top Luciferian imagery. Their music today appears as an echo of a homicidal time and place which the genre occupied during its infancy. As if a splinter of the heartfelt occult hatefulness of the early Norwegian black metal scene somehow made its way to El Paso, Texas.” Morbid tourist.
“Heavy metal, despite primarily being a possession of what we proudly call the underground, is not impervious to the revisionist proclivity of plucking from the past with genres like re-thrash, Even Newer Wave of British Heavy Metal, occult rock, and currently on the chopping block, retro-Swedish death. 2014’s EP, Interstellar Knowledge of the Purple Entity was my introduction proper to Skelethal and it just about made me turn my Fruit of the Looms into a fudge factory. At just 21 minutes, it was a perfect little window to the days of yore when Entombed and particularly Carnage were all.” The Play Doh Fudge Factory is not as fun as it sounds.
“Australia’s Cemetery Urn describe themselves as ‘barbaric Australian death metal,’ and one gets the feeling listening to their self-titled third record that they’d welcome ceaseless barbaric bloodshed.” Commence the hacking.
“New Jersey’s Blood Feast is yet another in a seemingly endless stream of resurrected relics that reaffirms I’ll never reach the bottom of the well o’ denim ‘n bullet belts.” Look what crawled out of the NJ swamp lands.
“Aleister Crowley: occultist, ceremonial magician, poet, painter, and chess player. The shroud of the occult followed his blackened coat-tails like an obedient dog. Was he really a prophet sent to guide humanity? Was he really a spy working for the British government? Was he really one with the spiritual world or were the drugs he siphoned into himself just a tad too potent? Whatever your view, the stories and philosophies of Crowley and others of his ilk brighten up the dullness of our material lives; their obsessive attraction to the weird and wacky of this world has unearthed a plentiful abundance of material for musicians and writers to utilize.” Don’t play chess with the Devil.
“When I was a wee little Grymmling, I developed an addiction to peanut butter cups. I know, it’s hard to get addicted to the heavenly concoction of peanut butter wrapped in milk chocolate, but as a kid, the flavor combination blew my mind. So when I was a teenager and worked my first job, I did what any respectable teen would do; I bought a fuck-ton of peanut butter cups and gorged on them. Needless to say, the stomach issues weren’t pleasant. That memory sprung to mind when I snagged Coven, or Evil Ways Instead of Love, the third full-length by Polish black metal weirdos Cultes Des Ghoules.” Bring forth the Comfy Chair!
“Look at that album title. Look at that art. Now that is a gimmick! Forgive my exuberance, but after only just overcoming the trauma-induced tinnitus from my previous attempts at thrash, Witchtrap prove that good things come to those who scour the promo sheet with a fine-toothed comb.” Nasty things come to those who dumpster dive.
“Choosing what to do for Halloween is, in some sense, a lot like choosing how to be a metal band. You can try to deliberately frighten people, like Portal, be as provocative as possible, like Anal Cunt, flaunt your good feminine looks like the one member of Amaranthe anyone cares about, do something wacky and out-of-the-box like Troldhaugen, or you can throw on some old goblin mask and just go get drunk, loud and rowdy.” The goblins and ghosts are at the door.
“Another day, another blackened death release from Hells Headbangers. It’s not that I don’t like what the label puts out — the past few years have seen great material from Destrukor, Denouncement Pyre, and Profanatica, to name but a few. But it’s albums like Morbid Death Tales that make me wonder if some bands just utilize a filthy sound and the ‘no trends, just pure metal!’ aesthetic as an excuse for churning out music which is half-assed, knowing full well that members of their ‘kvlt’ fanbase will rabidly devour it regardless.” A diet overly high in kvlt is not recommended.
