1.5

Dysentery – Fragments Review

Dysentery – Fragments Review

“If you’re a trve olde fan of AMG, you probably remember when the scores used to be at the top of the review alongside an amusing blurb. While I prefer the current format, it’s moments like these where I miss the ways of olde because our editors would’ve had a field day with Boston metal band Dysentery’s latest record Fragments.” Yes, yes we would.

Genghis Khan – Genghis Khan Was A Rocker Review

Genghis Khan – Genghis Khan Was A Rocker Review

“First off, let’s get one thing straight: Genghis Khan was, in all likelihood, not a rocker. He was many things — military genius, emperor, conqueror of many lands, and guy who killed a shitload of people. It’s possible that some of those things kind of rock, although the surviving populations of Russia, China, and the Middle East may beg to differ. Regardless, Khan lived many centuries before western music even existed, and there’s no evidence of him liking rock or metal. Anyways…so yeah, Genghis Khan the band. These guys are an Italian trio playing what could loosely be called ‘power metal.'” Mr. Fisting loves his world history and has some issues with this Italian trio’s debut album and its historical inaccuracy. Forget the wrath of Khan, this is the wrath of Fisting!!

Lustre – Wonder Review

Lustre – Wonder Review

“It was about five years ago that I heard Lustre‘s very first EP, Serenity, and it wasn’t awful I suppose. It was incredibly soft as black metal goes, to the point where I wouldn’t even call it black metal any more. It had a very prominent keyboard melody over the top of the “black metal” and just went on and on, but since the melody was good it didn’t feel too overlong. Where I didn’t really enjoy the EP all that much, I did see some kind of potential if the dude actually worked towards evolving his songwriting past the *cough* “hypnotic” structure, in which he steals Burzum‘s flair for repetition and forgets everything that makes repetition actually work. Five years later I check out his latest recording and it’s pretty much as dreadful as it possibly could be. What on earth happened?” Noctus unleashed a vicious indictment againt the lack of progression by a black metal act and in related news, water is still wet.

Megadeth – Super Collider Review

Megadeth – Super Collider Review

“I know we at AMG have had our issues with Dave Mustaine in the past and God knows we’ve certainly had our problems with a good portion of his band’s recorded output in recent years, but I still root for the guy on some level. After all the drama, drugs, depression and divahood, the man still helped invent thrash and put Metallica on the map before going on to release some seriously awesome albums on his own. That being said, it really seems as if he’s given up on releasing quality music since 2009s Endgame.” Can Dave right the ship and return to his thrash glory days, or is it time to foreclose on his dream of Megadeth remaining relevant?

Heartless – Certain Death Review

Heartless – Certain Death Review

“This hardcore punk band is right. Death is the horizon beyond which one cannot see, but the Heidegger-ish album title would be more impactful if the song lyrics actually related to the German existentialist’s philosophy.You see, this Pittsburgh group has lyrics dripping with the stale venom of bitter angst, which seems to be directed at society. (What’s new, right?) But Happy Metal Guy isn’t too sure about that, because the lyrics are too cryptic for anyone’s good. If you want your audience to attempt to understand your point of view, at least string together a bunch of more coherent phrases.” Happy Metal Guy is fine with German existentialism, providing you don’t screw him over with shitty lyrics. The man has standards after all!

Kaledon – Altor: The King’s Blacksmith Review

Kaledon – Altor: The King’s Blacksmith Review

“This album has been giving me fits. I initially confused the band with a power-prog outfit and volunteered to review it. Well, it’s about as far from power prog as Earth is from the Sun. No, Kaledon is a super mega cheesy symphonic power metal ensemble from Italy and they desperately want to be the next Rhaposdy of Fire. To that end, they pile on the swords, sandals, Spartacus and silliness (and they even roped Fabio Lione into guest vocals somehow). Though this is their seventh album (most being part of concept series called Legends of the Forgotten Realm), I had somehow missed them all, which is fortuitous, because from my investigations, they aren’t very good. In fact, they assault the listener with some of the most generic, uninteresting power metal in recent memory. Altor: The King’s Blacksmith is a heaping helping of cheese coated fruit, unfit for consumption by all but the most ardent LARPer.” Steel Druhm doesn’t like LARPing, but he does like power metal, even cheesy power metal. Doesn’t seem as if he’s liking this slice of spoiled Rhapsody pie though….

Amaranthe – The Nexus Review

Amaranthe – The Nexus Review

As a young boy I learned a really important lesson at the hands of one of my favorite bands, Europe. Sure, you laugh, but I was and it was the ’80s, so I was well within my rights to listen to Europe. In 1984, Sweden’s very own, very popular foray into glam rock released a record called Wings of Tomorrow. The album cover was simple. An armored bird of prey, in profile against a red planet cradled in a vast blanket of stars, ready to attack an unseen foe. Five-year-old me was in awe. My unconstrained imagination transported me into space with this mighty, ironclad hawk, to fight futuristic wars. This set the stage for a magical listening experience and the record is still one of my favorites. When I finally got around to The Final Countdown something important had changed: the cover was five poofy haired dudes in space. No suspension of disbelief, no imagination, just Swedish glam rockers in space. And the record? Well, it had one great song… and in retrospect a lot of stinkers. At that moment, an important seed of distrust of bands with their own pictures on the cover of a record was instilled in me. If a band isn’t creative enough to come up with a cool record cover, that band probably isn’t creative enough to write really good music.

A Transylvanian Funeral – Gorgos Goetia Review

A Transylvanian Funeral – Gorgos Goetia Review

“When I think old-school, ’80s or early ’90s style black metal my mind naturally spirals through the rabbit hole landing squarely in the frozen planes of Norway to bands like Darkthrone and the rawness of Transylvanian Hunger or Mayhem’s De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, my mind certainly doesn’t go bounding off like Alice into the dusty, critter infested, heat of Tucson Arizona. Nor, to be more precise, towards Sleepwalker and his one-man homage to Satan – A Transylvanian Funeral.” Madam X sat through 72 minutes of old school black metal and came out on the other side to tell you about it… Poor lady.

Yayla – Nihaihayat Review

Yayla – Nihaihayat Review

“Yay! Lament all you want, but your pricey earphones are going to be under-utilized by yet another primitive-sounding, one-man black metal project (why the heaven do these anti-social cavemen never go away? [Because FUCK YOU that’s why! – AMG]). Happy Metal Guy loves seeing people’s expensive listening gear go to waste on these pesky black metal records, but due to his nonexistent contract with Angry Metal Guy, he’s not really obliged to provide some kind of justification for why people ought to avoid this record.” By giving away that he already hates this record Happy Metal Guy has killed any possible suspense we could have built by blurbing him. I guess the best part of all of this was finding out that there’s a record company called Merdumgiriz Productions. Say that one five times fast.