“Mother Earth’s favorite metalcore squad, Earth Crisis, has once again descended upon the meat-eatin’, leather-clad masses with their latest aural assault, Salvation of Innocents.” Those defenders of animal rights are back with a new, PETA approved album and it even features a thematic comic book! Although Happy Metal Guy is better with coloring books, we gave him a chance at social promotion by reviewing this thing. Be supportive!
“The name “The Autumn Offering” evokes the mental image of a hooded cultist bent down on his knees, holding up a platter of orange, rotting leaves as a leafy sacrifice of some sort to some leaf-munchin’ goat demon. But as a band that was once signed to Jamey Jasta’s Stillborn Records, The Autumn Offering is hardly obsessed with the environment or the occult.” Happy Metal Guy goes back to 2006 to regale us with tales of quality metalcore. Fairy tales maybe? You make the call.
“At first glance, this band’s name looks like that of a typical thrash metal band. This definitely has to do with my learning of a fairly unknown Norwegian thrash metal band with a nearly identical name a few months ago. But even then, just look at the form of the word “Cóndor” – two syllables, starts with ‘C’ and ends with ‘r’, and a mere six alphabets in total. This word simply has great potential to be crafted into a pointy, symmetrical logo with polish effect in the style of, say, Havok’s logo. Stereotypes, however, aren’t always accurate.” Happy Metal Guy is easily confused by band names and stereotypes, but he overcomes these disabilities to clue you in on some good doom/death you may have missed.
“Baroness frontman John Baizley was having drawer’s block. Some Ohio blackened thrash metal band called “Skeletonwitch” had contracted his service for drawing metal album cover art, but when he drew up a draft that depicted a naked woman covered by foliage at the NSFW areas and surrounded by random animals, the band rejected it on grounds of un-creativity. Oh, the nerve of those Southeasterners. What were they expecting to see? Fully-clothed women and machines?” How dare they be art elitists?? Well, I suppose we can’t expect every blackened re-thrash band to be culturally refined, but at least Skeletonwitch knows how to tear your face off.
“Music that takes you places in your mind is a queer phenomenon. How the hell did the mind associate certain patterns of molecular vibrations in the air with such far-flung imagery as the cold depths of interstellar space and impossibly colorful dreamscapes in the first place anyway? To answer my own question because I’m solipsistic like that: unicorns. Also: invisible fairies sitting on your shoulders that are hosing liquid fairy dust into your ears. And oh, don’t forget about those psychic ants chewing and burrowing into your brain’s numerous ridges.” The staff at AMG apologies in advance for the cutesy-tootsy nature of this here review. We’ve tried nothing with Happy Metal Guy and nothing hasn’t worked. Anywho, read all about the unicorns and blackened doom from Finland.
“Oh, look: Yet another short release from quasi-Singaporean blackened death metal squad Impiety. In fact, it’s their sixth EP. Happy Metal Guy doesn’t know if these goat-obsessed militants are just too darned impatient to accumulate enough material to release as full-length albums or overly-attention-seeking dudes who can’t stand not having people talking about and spreading their music around on social media platforms every half a year or so.” Happy Metal Guy tangles with Impiety and their artwork once again. The safe money is on Impiety.
“They may butter the bread with butter, but Nutella-ing the bread with Nutella gives it a sweeter and richer (albeit more sinful) taste. It’s more fattening too, which is what these skinny German kids seem to be in need of.” HMG explains why We Stupid the Stupid with Stupid is the band that signals the electronicapolypse. Gird your loins, metal elitists, the shitstorm is coming!
“Part of the description that accompanied the promotional material for this Chicago deathcore quintet’s debut full-length album is as follows: ‘Unlike most bands of their genre, I Killed Everyone is influenced by classic death metal bands from the 90’s such as Suffocation, Cannibal Corpse, and Morbid Angel. The band incorporates many of these influences to form a unique sound of modern deathcore with undeniable classic death metal overtones.’ Needless to say, Happy Metal Guy scoffed at these words and nearly choked to death on his alphabet soup. Is there really a need to say that so-and-so deathcore band is influenced by the classic death metal bands Suffocation, Cannibal Corpse and Morbid Angel? Duh!” Happy Metal Guy isn’t a big fan of promo kit language, but does he like deathcore? He just might be crazy enough to say yes.
“Japan is better remembered as the country of eclectic and elaborately dressed, KISS-inspired metal bands. But it is also home to extreme metal bands with a straightforward musical approach. No gimmicks; just plain clothes, unshaved faces, silly lyrics, cartoonish album artwork and bulldozing riff after bulldozing riff. Coffins is such a band, and they are a 17-year-old, vomitey death/doom metal band from the Japanese region full of Pidgeys, Rattatas, Geodudes, Tentacools and Zubats. Despite being surrounded by dozens and dozens of cutesy critters, their music is anything but for the Gameboy- or Nintendo-DS-wielding toddlers.” Death metal from the Isle of Japan loaded with big, ugly riffs and vomitus vocals. Are you sold yet? Happy Metal Guy is here to close the deal and win those steak knives!
“It’s unfortunate that French heavy metal band Lonewolf’s sixth studio album had to be next on Happy Metal Guy’s reviewing list right after he reviewed this. But well, it’s too bad—that’s just how life is. When life splashes lemonade on you, use a pail to collect every drop of it dutifully, obtain citric acid crystals from it and use them to produce pesticide.” Well, not every album can be White Wizzard, whatever that means.
