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Gatecreeper – Deserted Review

Gatecreeper – Deserted Review

“Well, the dog days of summer are upon us. Except they’re not. It’s 5 am and 68 degrees outside and I’m freezing my ass off. Come on, sun. Get the fuck up and shower me in your relentless rays of sunshine. Cook the desert sand once more and soften the asphalt so it’ll nestle my broken body when I fall dead from heatstroke. Anything to keep me from shivering under my pelt blankie as I settle down to Gatecreeper‘s new record, Deserted. My only hope is that this new release will warm my blood like the band’s 2016 debut did before.” Fire and Ricin.

Monolord – No Comfort Review

Monolord – No Comfort Review

“No Comfort is an interesting name for a Monolord album, because every time I’ve played their records I’ve felt a great sense of comfort. I know what I’m in for, and each time the band delivers. Kind of like a lot of the fuzzy stoner metal bands out there. They will bestow upon us massive riffs that are fuzzier than a giant peach, drenching their Black Sabbath worship with Electric Wizard sauce. It is a recipe for short-lived success; while I enjoy drinking at this particular well, I can only do so for a short time before moving on.” Quick comfort.

Exhumed – Horror Review

Exhumed – Horror Review

“I fucking love Exhumed. The veteran death metal collective have been kicking out their deathly gore metal jams for over 20 years and time has not slowed them down. Quite the opposite in fact, as Exhumed have arguably improved with age, becoming increasingly refined, melodic and technical without sacrificing the raw edge and blood soaked brutality of their early days. And the band has been on quite the hot streak, with their previous offering, 2017’s Death Revenge, continuing the momentum from 2011s potent All Guts, No Glory and 2013’s exceptional Necrocracy albums. On their latest platter of splatter, Exhumed hearken back to their earlier death metal roots, spattered with grind elements.” The horror.

Yer Metal Is Olde: Incantation – Mortal Throne of Nazarene

Yer Metal Is Olde: Incantation – Mortal Throne of Nazarene

“I am likely the least qualified individual here when it comes to the ways of Olde and yet, here I stand, holding in trembling hands my second YMIO article for the year. Rest easy, weary traveler, for this isn’t another block of top-shelf sympho-cheese. You see, I do listen to other genres, unlike some people (ahem, Twelve).” Well, he’s not wrong.

Devourment – Obscene Majesty Review

Devourment – Obscene Majesty Review

“This album will take years off your life. It is exfoliant, defoliant, supreme scourer of the Earth. You’ve heard death metal before. Maybe you’ve even heard slam. Maybe you’re a total slam fiend; even then, you’re still not prepared for this record. Maybe, just maybe, you’re familiar with Christopher Scotes’s work mapping and visualizing continental drift through time. If you are, recall that about 80 million years ago the Indian subcontinent, until this point a background character in tectonics at large, suddenly jettisons Madagascar to the West and just books it North, plowing into Asia to create the geologic equivalent of the Vulgar Display of Power cover. That’s what Obscene Majesty is like.” Landmassive.

Yer Metal Is Olde: Morgion – Solinari

Yer Metal Is Olde: Morgion – Solinari

“Let’s face it, peeps; 1999 sucked for metal as a collective whole. Nü-metal sank its black-nail-polished talons into our favorite genre, with heroes trading speed and heft for JNCOs and wildly-colored dreadlocks while jumpingdafuckup over a DJ and 7-string guitars. And doom? Well, Anathema started their shift from doom metal darlings to prog rock just a year prior with Alternative 4Paradise Lost dabbled with da Mode with One Second but went Full Gahan on Host. And My Dying Bride were roughly 34.788% themselves before righting the ship with The Light at the End of the World.” Wow, what the hell happened?

Pinkish Black – Concept Unification Review

Pinkish Black – Concept Unification Review

“I have a soft spot for this band: they went through hell back in 2010 when, as The Great Tyrant, their bass player committed suicide. The remaining duo carried on as Pinkish Black, a morbid reminder of the color of the bathroom where Tommy Atkins killed himself. 2015’s Bottom of the Morning was their strongest release, a haunting, propulsive, cathartic album where all of the duo’s ideas meshed beautifully. How will they follow that?” Cinema metal.

Full of Hell – Weeping Choir Review

Full of Hell – Weeping Choir Review

Trumpeting Ecstasy‘s untempered viciousness and surprising experimentation was a breath of putrid air amongst the usual Cherd-bait of 2017. Had I been employed by this hallowed site at the time, I would have seriously considered slapping a 4.5 on it and endured the cries of ‘Overrating bastard!’ hurled at me from my superiors. So when I saw follow-up Weeping Choir pop into our promo bin, I jumped on it faster than Game of Thrones‘ quality tanked once it outstripped the books.” Hallowed grind.