Record reviews
“The forefathers of death metal were truly spoiled when it came time to come up with a kick-ass band name. The genre’s progenitors ran wild with synonyms for various acts of violence and bits of viscera (not to mention those nerds who pulled inspiration from Warhammer 40k), but when the thesaurus has fallen to tatters, where does a budding young death metal band pull its inspiration from?” How about Proust?
“The only thing I knew going into Ars Moriendi was that this black metal outfit is from France. which means they’re probably weird as shit. But, being the fan I am of Spektr, Reverence, and Blut aus Nord, I wasn’t too worried. So, not expecting anything novel, I put in my buds and fired up Sepelitur Alleluia. And, oh lordy, I was taken by surprise. It turns out there is more to Ars Moriendi than meets the eye (or ear).” French black metal is weird, and their wine is okay too.
“There will be no encore. The hour is nigh when some lucky few will experience the last gig, the last song, the last moment of the world’s most violent performative force. And the rest will be silence – because after The Dillinger Escape Plan leave the stage, the vacuum left behind won’t fill.” ‘Nuff said.
“Some marketing types like to talk about what they call fast followers, people who capitalize on an idea and make it better or more palatable shortly after the innovator puts out their original product, smartly getting someone else to test the waters for both the idea generally and the flaws in its initial execution. If this is true, then we can safely assume that the “Norwegian” Sons of Balaur weren’t created by competent marketers in a boardroom.” Black metal straight from Dexter’s Laboratory.
“Another day, another blackened death release from Hells Headbangers. It’s not that I don’t like what the label puts out — the past few years have seen great material from Destrukor, Denouncement Pyre, and Profanatica, to name but a few. But it’s albums like Morbid Death Tales that make me wonder if some bands just utilize a filthy sound and the ‘no trends, just pure metal!’ aesthetic as an excuse for churning out music which is half-assed, knowing full well that members of their ‘kvlt’ fanbase will rabidly devour it regardless.” A diet overly high in kvlt is not recommended.
“And so we return to An Autumn for Crippled Children for their sixth full-length in as many years. I was reluctant to take Eternal, being acutely aware of the ultimatum I set following their last album: evolve or die. Their work was already stagnating, both within their discography and within the album itself for its highly consistent song structures. There is a formula for my feelings towards this successor. Take The Long Goodbye; add nearly 2 years; multiply by duller melodies.” Sleepy autumns and dimming futures.
“While Narnia has shifted their direction to a more power-metal sound, Iron Mask stayed true to the Mighty Malmsteen. Hell, Iron Mask even used an actual Malmsteen vocalist for their epic Black as Death release. But, the Belgian’s 2013 record, Fifth Son of Winterdoom, was not good. And I’m sorta afraid to hear this newest release. Well, duty calls. Here goes nothing…” Answer the call of Malmsteen.
“Somewhere along my personal timeline of listening to extreme music I formed an imaginary line dividing two equally valid camps of folk metal. On one side, you have your bands of brooding boys who like to pose next to frozen streams for their promo shots in between discussions of just how great Windir was; on the other, you have your gangs of drunken revelers, crowding into the nearest tavern to relate raucous tales of wenches and trolls to any half-willing passersby.” Is that a troll on the cover or are you just happy to see me?
“It was noted in the comments that there’s been a lot of negativity around here lately. That’s not false: 2016 has suffered the runs worse than a 3rd grade recorder recital that accidentally hit the brown note. Whether that’s due to an outflow of compelling material, the recent infestation of scrubs (That’s Dr. Scrvb to you), or just something in the water at AMG Inc., the readership can only take so much aspersion. I swore I wouldn’t embrace the misery. If Re-Armed could generate a lick of positivity from their hyphenated frames, I was going to find it.” In every cloud there’s a silver lemming.
“It was bound to happen. As I’m sitting here, writing a review of the appropriately titled An Ill Wind Blowing, the second album by Swedish sludgemeisters Age of Woe, I gaze out the rear door and see picturesque blue skies, mild temperate winds, and a garden teeming with life and vibrancy, complete with a Godzilla statue wolfing down some unfortunate garden gnomes. This is all important to note because, just a full day ago, Hurricane Matthew beat the ever-loving shit out everyone in its path through the Bahamas and parts of Florida, including my sleepy neighborhood.” From the storm comes…doom.
