2013

Falkenbach – Asa Review

Falkenbach – Asa Review

“There’s music meant for a summer drive with the top down (old Van Halen), hitting the weights hard (Slayer, Pantera) and a night of hard-drinking in sketchy beer mills (Fireball Ministry, Orange Goblin). Likewise, the new slice of folksy Viking metal from Falkenbach proves perfect for chopping wood in the brisk Fall air. While I recognize “wood chopping” or “lumberjack” metal is an under-served medium, I feel confident saying this is the finest chopper album I’ve heard all year.” Grab thine axe as Steel Druhm weaves his tales of Viking rage and folksy tomfoolery.

Shitfucker – Suck Cocks In Hell Review

Shitfucker – Suck Cocks In Hell Review

“On the surface, there’s a lot to hate about Shitfucker. The hacky, try hard Vice interview that introduced them to the world didn’t do them any favors. Neither did their stylized swastika logo, nor the fact that their moniker is reminiscent of the nickname I gave to my third grade bus driver. Combine these elements with the comically lo-fi crap-stomp of lead single “Sex Dungeon,” and this band was easy to hate: A group of low-talent, low-class scum-fucks looking to capitalize on a strange metallic affinity for sleaze that rarely reconciles with the listener’s world view. Red flags were everywhere. I mean, how could an album called Suck Cocks In Hell be construed as anything other than cheap gimmickry?” How indeed?? Watch as Jordan Campbell somehow makes sense of this senseless abomination.

Strangelight – 9 Days EP Review

Strangelight – 9 Days EP Review

““Anyone with a deep record collection will understand that Strangelight aren’t trying to reinvent the wheel, just taking the dust jackets off the old classics and melting the vinyl down for fun.” This, together with the name Fugazi, pretty much sums up the review of this EP. The rest of this page could be used to appeal for donations to the Flying Spaghetti Monster movement and nobody would complain. Any other lost cause worth campaigning for? But we’re good people and we can’t help but say a few other things. Like, for instance, that when you mention Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto’s band, you are implicitly referring to that musical trend which, from the late 1980s onwards, literally changed the way we see, consider and think about indie music. Thus, providing the listener not only with the musical attributes, but also with the exact artistic context is a mistake, because disappointment is always behind the corner and it will stitch you up at the first occasion. But Strangelight are a bunch of confident people.” Alex breaks down where this “super group” slots into the musical neighborhood and how their arrival raises or lowers property values therein. It’s all about location, people!

Angry Metal Guy and ‘Ripper’ Owens Are… Beefin’?

Angry Metal Guy and ‘Ripper’ Owens Are… Beefin’?

Yesterday, I discovered that I’m on Twitter. And so I took to Twitter and made some pretty lame updates, as I’m wont to do. I tweeted YouTube videos that I think are better than the new Ihsahn record (Helloween’s “Mr. Torture,” Dr. Dre’s “Deeeez Nuts,” and Meat Loaf’s epic “Objects in the Rearview Mirror May Appear Closer than They Are“). Then I started listening to Iced Earth.

Ihsahn – Das Seelenbrechen Review

Ihsahn – Das Seelenbrechen Review

Ihsahn records used to get a breathless introduction about how incredible the former Emperor frontman’s solo career was. While this might still be true for some breathless fans, it is not the case for me. While I am still a huge fan of The Adversary and angL, both Eremita and its predecessor After left me cold.” Das seelenbrechen is Ihsahn’s newest crack at a solo record. Will it leave this Angry Metal Guy as cold as the man’s last two records?

Monolithe – Monolithe IV Review

Monolithe – Monolithe IV Review

“Considering the mighty seven year gap between Monolithe II and Monolithe III, it certainly comes as a surprise that this album arrived so soon, barely a year after III. Naturally, a four-part album series of crushing, spacey funeral doom, each with tracks spanning nearly an hour is as difficult a pill to swallow as one will find in this or any genre, but Monolithe have proven over the years they know exactly what they’re doing.” Our man Noctus seriously wet himself over the last album from these French doom-mongers. This time we outfitted him with young adult diapers and plastic wrapped his desk area. We learn from our mistakes….

Warbringer – IV: Empires Collapse Review

Warbringer – IV: Empires Collapse Review

“With Hallow’s Eve in the air and the holiday season just around the corner, I feel safe looking back on 2013 and saying it wasn’t the greatest year for metal. It’s certainly true that the better stuff seems to be coming out on the back-end, but overall, it has been a lean time for top-notch albums. This is especially true for the rethrash/thrash genre, with very few albums jumping out and smacking me in the gob. Keeping true to form, the better stuff is seeping out now, with solid releases from Death Angel and Toxic Holocaust and now, a winner from Warbringer. IV: Empires Collapse sees these California rethrashers take a big step from the effective, but somewhat generic Bay Area Thrash sound exhibited on Worlds Torn Asunder by adding a host of classic metal influences along with punk and blackened twists.” October was a good month for rethrash and it looks like Warbringer wanted to end things on a high note with their latest slice of speed.

GWAR – Battle Maximus Review

GWAR – Battle Maximus Review

“When a brother falls, be he killed in battle, disintegrated or turned Mormon, it takes an ordeal of thundering proportions to find that Scumdog with enough bombastic enormity to crush the competition and fill the fallen’s truculent footsteps. And so Battle Maximus is born, a musical trial-by-combat and but one Scumdog remains – the the zit-encrusted, shred-ulously incredulous Pustulus Maximus (aka Brent Legion, ex-Cannabis Corpse). Shock rock or monster metal, call it what you will, after a three year wait and regroup, GWAR are back in the ring with their kooky Lordi or A Band of Orcs theatrics and their caustic, blood-soaked poetry as only they can deliver!” Battle, blood and pustulence! What more can anyone hope for? Madam X dives into the Gor Gor and reveals the horrors that lurk inside the new GWAR shit show.

Sepultura – The Mediator Between The Head And The Hands Must Be The Heart Review

Sepultura – The Mediator Between The Head And The Hands Must Be The Heart Review

“The name Sepultura carries a lot of baggage these days. A decade and a half after the band’s split with frontman Max Cavalera, the word is synonymous with wasted potential, increasingly questionable legitimacy, and diminishing musical returns. Every album is touted as a “comeback” or return-to-form of some kind, but never quite lives up to the hype, leading to renewed calls for the band’s end — or even worse, total indifference.” After a long-term case study, Mr. Fisting has determined that the mediator between Sepultura and good music must not be Ross Robinson.

Skeletonwitch – Serpents Unleashed Review

Skeletonwitch – Serpents Unleashed Review

Baroness frontman John Baizley was having drawer’s block. Some Ohio blackened thrash metal band called “Skeletonwitch” had contracted his service for drawing metal album cover art, but when he drew up a draft that depicted a naked woman covered by foliage at the NSFW areas and surrounded by random animals, the band rejected it on grounds of un-creativity. Oh, the nerve of those Southeasterners. What were they expecting to see? Fully-clothed women and machines?” How dare they be art elitists?? Well, I suppose we can’t expect every blackened re-thrash band to be culturally refined, but at least Skeletonwitch knows how to tear your face off.