“Most of us know someone who doesn’t speak often, but when they do, we listen. Case in point: Not long ago, I received a cryptic message from Ferrous Beuller that simply said, “You should pick up the new Valgrind for review.” And that’s all it took.” Iron commands.
“‘You shall riff your neighbor as yourself.’ Riffs may not be the secret solution to stopping the coronavirus outbreak, but they just might be the secret solution to weathering the storm.” Get thee to a riffery.
“Last month I sampled an advance track for Earth Rot’s third full-length album, Black Tides of Obscurity, and I rather enjoyed what I heard. And now that I’ve spent some significant time with the full record, I have to say that I’m completely blown away. Black Tides of Obscurity is the sound of a band that believes the answer to the question “Should we play old school Swedish death metal or true Norwegian black metal?” is an emphatic “YES!”” Rot n’ roll.
“Metal Archives lists ten bands that go by this name, but the metal realm’s equivalent of The Citadel of Westeros and the rest of the interwebz together yield precious little information about Sweden’s version of Reaper.” This is the story of one of them.
“I’m willing to bet Voidhanger’s Working Class Misanthropy is a legal means of execution in some countries and Goatwhore’s live performance remains the only thing that has caused me to piss my pants in my adult life. Hellsodomy don’t sound too much like those bands, but the raging energy this Turkish quartet exudes with their whirlwind of blakk, thrash, and death is enough to make me consider shoving their second album Morbid Cult right into the flabby folds of my Year End List.” Are you cultish?
“The band’s influences should be obvious from the cover — the logo screams Dismember, and the prevalence of blue reminds one of Left Hand Path. It’s a chillier blue though, which fits with the Swedish black metal once removed element of their sound, which seems to be culled from Sarcasm. Remains is from Mexico, which makes their sound uprooted from Sweden in a fundamental way — this is what makes them interesting. Put another way, this can’t be a pure Swe-death record because it’s a death metal record from Mexico.” Heavy on the chaos, please.
“Around twelve years ago, I procured a guitar and amp. I messed around for awhile, learning some Iced Earth riffs and some Sabaton solos, but children life got in the way, my priorities changed, and my skills regressed to nothing. Alas, I’ve still never written the power/thrash/doom masterpiece that I always imagined I would. Contrast my experience with Mr. Rogga Johansson, whose unquenchable need to make music has led to his name being credited on approximately 100 different works on Metal Archives, with three full-lengths and two EPs already released this year alone, and he’s back with the latest from his oldest active project, Paganizer.” Morbid tales of time management.
“The other day, I was sitting at the kid’s n00b’s lunch table and about to close a deal trading away my Twinkie for Carcharodon‘s bland, British pastry, when Mark Z. walked in like the cool big kid he is and slammed a promo on the counter. ‘Hey, n00bs. Here’s Witch Vomit if you want it. I’m doing something else.’ He promptly picked up another promo with ‘vomit’ in the name and walked away. I tried to act cool, seeing if anyone else was as excited as I was, but when the bell rang, all of my fellow n00bs got up and headed towards Dr. Grier‘s 5th-period class, ‘How to Avoid Dismemberment.'” Harridans ov hurl.
“Anyone who’s read metal reviews for a while knows the two major intro paragraph fallbacks for popular and/or established metal bands. The first is to call them “the AC/DC of [subgenre]” and conveniently using a tautology to describe the sound, i.e. Cannibal Corpse sounds like Cannibal Corpse. The second is invoking the shadow of the band’s crowning achievement and asking rhetorically if the new record will beat it. Entombed A.D. isn’t established enough to be an AC/DC band, and Entombed simpliciter changed their sound more than once.” Bowel movements.
“For one, Bastard Grave hails from Sweden, which is the home of some of my favorite death metal releases. Classics like Entombed’s Left Hand Path and Dismember’s Like an Everflowing Stream, as well as Grave’s entire catalog, warm my sad, little heart. The riffs, the vocals, and the pace—which feels like treading through knee-deep mud—grip me like quicksand. Second, Bastard Grave have a female bassist. Hmmm… like Bolt Thrower, you ask? Are Bastard Grave a Swedish Bolt Thrower?! Because that would be sick.” Grave reviews.
