“No month of horror movies leading up to the big day. No romantic nights with Elvira. No King Diamond/Mercyful Fate marathons. But, I’ll be goddamned if Halloween escapes me before 2019 ends. So, instead of turkey preparations and being thankful for the useless shit in my life, November is my new October. And, as it turns out, there’s no one I’d rather spend it with than Reveal and their third concoction of mindfucking black and death, Scissorgod.” No safety scissors these.
“It’s clearly throwback week in the House ov Steel. No sooner do I crash land after high speed sledding through the 80s with Warsenal than I find myself prematurely buried in the creepy graveyard of 80s metal curated by England’s Aggressive Perfector. With a sound stuck in the mire between Mercyful Fate and Venom, and at times digging in the same graves that Deceased made a career out of defiling, their debut drags the unsuspecting listener through a horror revival of all the charmingly slimy metal hits of the 80s.” Havoc panic.
“Time to draw ourselves a Slaughtbbath, folks. What bathing in slaughtb feels like is known to those who heard 2013’s Hail to Fire, the predecessor of Alchemical Warfare and Slaughtbbath’s debut. I took a Slaughtbbath many times via Hail to Fire, which is the least important qualification I possess to review that record’s successor. My most important qualification? Look at my pen name, and then look at the title of this record; Slaughtbbath and I share an enjoyment of gratuitous Slayer puns.” Rub-a-drub-drub.
“Everything is retro nowadays. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a thing. I’ve heard people say that reviving significant trends from previous decades is the result of a complete lack of originality in the current one. But I think it’s simply a law of human nature. People in any given decade become fascinated with aesthetics from anywhere between 30-to-50 years ago—presumably because they’re just now (re-)discovering them—and for a while the cultural landscape morphs into this weird amalgam of modern ideas squeezed through a retrospective filter. Or, sometimes people simply mimic whatever popular thing from whatever decade they have latched on to at the time.” Living in the past.
“Well, you always get what’s coming to you. Though I’m a faithful and unfaltering fan of everything Darkthrone, the band’s 2016 full-length release kinda ticked me off. Having dealt with Napalm and Frontier Record’s insistence on sending out stream-only promos to music journalists across the world, I was a little peeved when Peaceville did the same with Arctic Thunder. Everyone remembers it. And I said some things I shouldn’t have. But, I got over it. And so did everyone else. But, when talk of the newest Darkthrone opus, Old Star, rolled around, I was content with receiving another stream-only promo. I mean, fair is fair, right?” Damn the stream!
Doctors in Da House! Next Dr. A.N. Grier presents his Top Ten of 2018. It’s been meticulously researched, so now it needs peer review. Give it!
“Bands like Enforcer, Striker, Spellcaster, Skull Fist, and White Wizzard do their damndest to take the baton and run with the same energy and passion of their forefathers. But, no list is complete without Canada’s Cauldron. This heavy-metal threesome embodies this old-school style with heavy bass, smooth vox, chunky guitar licks, and a dark cloak of melody—expressing their love for everything from witches and gloomy haunts to the darker side of life.” Into the kettle with the nonbelievers.
“What’s this? Someone other than Dr. A.[1. bigail]N.[2. utjob] Grier reviewing a Mercyful Fate-worshiping release? Say it ain’t so! Well, sorry for all you King Diamond weenies, but it’s true. With the good Doctor tied up on other things, it falls to me to tackle this new album from Spain’s Witchfyre.”
“Does Grier have a problem? No, motherfucker, he doesn’t. If he had a problem, there would be a new review, interview, or career introspective on King every week here at AMG. But, that’s not the case, is it? So, for all you sonsabitches out there that think I have a problem, I’m gonna prove to you that I’m not crazy. That’s right, I’m going to review Carriage’s non-King-related debut record, Visions. This album is so far from King Diamond—and Mercyful Fate, for that matter—that you’re all gonna be proud of Old Man Grier. So, does us all a favor and chill.” The Intervention of Kings is upon us!
“Well I’ll be damned. It looks like your friendly neighborhood Steel Druhm swiped a King Diamond / Mercyful Fate worshiping band out from under the usually vigilant Doc Grier while he was sleeping with his back turned. U.K.’s The Heretic Order rock a kind of sloppy, sleazy mash-up of Kingly hits and meat n’ taters heavy metal, and they do so with the grace and subtlety of a gaggle of drunken bikers.” No order, no mercy.
