“Your parents, guidance counselor, and teachers were right: you don’t get a second chance at a first impression. This is why The Crown will always be a wonderfully over-the-top and high energy death-tinged thrash band to my ears. Deathrace King introduced me to their work, opening with the perfectly titled “Deathexplosion.” Johan Lindstrand’s shout of “FIRE!” over a fast, aggressive, and simple riff sold me on the band and their brand of metal immediately.” Snakes on speed.
“Rivers of Nihil have grown since Monarchy, and Where Owls Know My Name is more mature and nuanced than either of the band’s previous records.” Growth, maturity, evolution, rivers.
You like metal, bro? More importantly, you like bro metal? Boy, have I got the thing for you. Chicago quintet Harm’s Way, a band that makes the last Dyscarnate album look like fucking Modest Mouse.” What are your bench press stats, brah?
“Hammers, axes and swords glint in the flickering torchlight as the tumultuous cacophony of an army on the march fills the night air. Women weep, clutching their children as they flee to forests deep, praying to the heavens for mercy. On this glorious night Visigoth has returned to reclaim the Immortal Throne, and the blood of the untrve will soon stain rock, stone and leaf. We’ve awaited this uprising since 2015 when their righteous debut scorched the land and revitalized the trve heavy metal genre, and 2018 finally sees the second crusade underway with Conqueror’s Oath.” Nuts and Hun-y.
“I guess it’s only fitting that I’d follow up a review of the newest Machine Head record with another long-lost thrash band. This time, it’s a German outfit that hit the scene in 1986 and has more thrash metal cred than the thrash/groove/rap-metal outfit from Oakland, CA. Even if no one has any idea who they are. Accuser’s first two records, 1987’s The Conviction and 1989’s Who Dominates Who?, are underrated thrash metal classics. The latter, in particular, is a thrashpiece that combines the technicality of Testament and Annihilator with Kreator, Metallica, and Destruction. But after 1987, the band swan-dived straight into the groove-metal pavement for the next four releases. With this nightmarish Pantera-like tailspin finally coming to a halt after Taken by the Throat. And, to no one’s surprise, the band was no more.” Thrash through the ages.
“I fucking love Cannibal Corpse. They represent a definition of that unbridled commodity requisite in death metal: sonic and conceptual brutality, boundary blasting lyricism and acute controversy. Now, in today’s landscape of ever-evolving extreme criterion, at a glance, their modus operandi may seem somewhat passé, but, frankly, you’re wrong.” Don’t know how to quit loving the Corpse.
“I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t a pathetic, GWAR-loving metalhead. I love their gimmick, their style, and the plethora of absurd characters and butt/cock jokes. That said, I wouldn’t label GWAR as musical revolutionists. They may be pioneers in costume design, satirical album concepts, and over-the-top stage shows, but I wouldn’t go as far as giving any of their material a 4.0/5.0. But, they’re fucking fun. Never taken seriously but never taken lightly, GWAR has not only amused me for years but has taught me the value in hating the world. And, when I thought this world couldn’t get any shittier, Oderus Urungus (Dave Brockie) died.” Win one for Urungus.
“This here review raised a lot of questions in the steely House of Druhm. Sorcerer was a band I had firmly on my radar back in the 90s due to a few high quality demos featuring an interesting take on traditional metal buoyed by impressive vocals. Sadly, the best the band could manage before blinking out was a 1995 compilation of demo cuts, which despite their raw quality, was a compelling listen I still spin to this day. When I saw the name Sorcerer appear in our fetid promo bin, I assumed it would be some lo-fi black metal jiggery-pokery.” The Wizard of Doom Street.
The Black Dahlia Murder is without a doubt a Top 5 band for me. I honestly don’t know when it happened. When I started listening to them I never considered them to be that special, they were head and shoulders over the melodeath glut that was being puked out in the early 2000s, but a […]
“OK, no stories this time. I don’t want to cause anyone to walk away from an album they might actually enjoy. Instead, I’ll just be blunt and boring. I’ll compress reviews into simple phrases like “album of the year” or “this isn’t brutal enough and you’re all pussies for liking it.” I guess 700 words is a waste of time for some and I should just force-feed shitty clickbaiting one-liners to you like a CNN ticker tape. I guess I could do that. Or… I could say fuck that and hammer out another lengthy piece proclaiming my love for King Diamond and Mercyful Fate. Yep, I think I’ll do that.” King Clickbait strikes again.
