“This is my twentieth review for AMG. In honor of such a fine achievement, the nobility at AMG World Headquarters have bestowed upon me a fine destrier, so I can prance through the office valiantly proclaiming my fealty. Well, not really, but I was given the newest output from power-metal wannabes Hammer King, King is Rising. Which, if played loud enough, is practically the same thing.” The Hammer King has a skull tank.
“In honor of our esteemed Dr. A.N. Grier’s misplaced love for baseball (and the fact that the season has finally come to a merciful conclusion), I present a baseball analogy for Crippled Black Phoenix. CBP are like big-league sluggers: most of the time they strike out, but every few games they wallop one into the second deck of left field.” Swiiiiing, batter.
“Okay, let’s get this out-of-the-way right off the top. This album cover gives me the creeps. It also makes me think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. So I alternate between grimaces and laughter whenever I’m looking at this bizarre choice for sludgy avante garde collective Obake’s third album, Draugr.” Happy Halloween!
“I love the 80s. And who wouldn’t? If you are an olde guy like me, the 80s were the peak of metal. The big bands were huge (Maiden, Priest) and new shit was cropping up everywhere (Metallica, Slayer). Luckily, as a teen back then I managed to hold down a job, so I was able to spend all my $6 hour wages on music at every opportunity.” Crouching Tyger, hidden Pan-Tang.
“Noise Pollution are an Italian band with a tenuous grip on the English language and an equally shaky understanding of good music. And honestly, if this is what you’re going to call your band, it better be tongue in cheek and your band better not suck, or you’re just asking for it in a review.” Ask and answered.
“So when I see a promo that comes from The Reticent, a one-man (Chris Hathcock) project hailing from North Carolina, I am a bit leery. Then I read he is a Grammy-nominated individual. Cool! For what? Well, for being a music teacher, and you know what they say: those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach (or review). So I expect a lesson in obscure scales and don’t hold out much hope for awesomeness.” Caution: avoid if happy.
“Witchskull are new to the scene, having been born in 2014 way down in Australia, but they are old and wizened like the Huckster and they’ve got a hard-on for all things Black Sabbath and NWOBHM. Can they stand out from the crowd, or are they destined for the dustbins?” Witches and skulls together at last.
“Do you like Russian Circles, but wish they added more wank to their post-metalness? Do you adore King Crimson, but wish there was less wankery – er, Frippery – in the recipes? If so, Dysrhythmia might be the bowl of porridge that is just right for you.” Porridge is for proggers.
“When Neurosis releases an album it is an event. These guys, more than thirty years into their influential and genre-creating careers, always come up with interesting goods, and the album teaser released earlier in the year was enticing. Will the full album hold up? We sure hope so!” This is not appropriate music for a Friday.
“Imminent Sonic Destruction like to call themselves progressive super metal. The brainchild of sweater-vest lover (and songwriter/guitarist/vocalist) Tony Piccoli, this group of prog-loving pals could more accurately be referred to as playing kitchen sink metal. As in, everything-but-the. And with influences ranging from Pantera to Dream Theater to Meshuggah to Genesis, that’s a pretty apt term.” You never go full Dream Theater!
