Master of Muppets

Probably doesn't know you, definitely doesn't like you.

Pulver – Kings Under the Sand Review

By Master of Muppets on May 22, 2019 in 2019, Gates of Hell Records, German Metal, Heavy Metal, Reviews, Heavy Metal, 44 comments

“Things have been rather hectic here at the Hall as ov late. N00blings are blossoming into semi-functional writers, eagerly frittering about with their promos clasped to their chests and causing general chaos as they run amok. Adding further confusion to the fray, THE SYSTEM… IS DOWN; our website maintenance platform has been as cooperative as Julian Assange, thrusting our fabled Sentynel into a battle that has left vast digital bedlam in its wake. Amidst this sea of gleefully scurrying hordes and flames, order is nowhere to be found. In all this madness, I heard a voice cry out, choked and rasping from ash and years of hobo wine: ‘One of you overrating bastards better cover Pulver, or I’ll see to it that Madam X haunts you to the end of your Jørn-forsaken lives!'” Consequences and repercussions.

Lice – Woe Betide You Review

By Master of Muppets on May 16, 2019 in 2019, Avante Garde, Black Metal, International Metal, Reviews, Season of Mist Underground Activists, Avante Garde, Black Metal, 70 comments

“So, yeah: Woe Betide You is a pretty sweet album. It’s not necessarily fighting for a spot on my current list of AotY candidates, yet Woe Betide You is one of the most dynamic albums I’ve reviewed to date, right up there with Great Leap Skyward’s Map of Broken Dreams.” Infestivus.

Sol Sistere – Cold Extinguished Light Review

By Master of Muppets on May 12, 2019 in 2019, Black Metal, Chilean Metal, Hammerheart Records, Reviews, Atmospheric Black Metal, Black Metal, 91 comments

“Ov all the cruel ironies in this angry metal world, black metal’s oversaturated state, at this point presumably mere days from breaching mainstream radio status, is likely the one that yanks my unicorn the most. That the brave new musical world discovered by such wanderers as Burzum, Mayhem, and Bathory would be further explored and defiled in time was never a question, yet the rampant proliferation of new obsidian acts we find ourselves plagued with is less akin to expansion than to… well, frankly, a fucking plague.” Semi-cold.

Through the Noise – Dualism Review

By Master of Muppets on April 29, 2019 in 2019, Eclipse Records, Hardcore, Metalcore, Nu-metal, Reviews, Swedish Metal, Hardcore, Metalcore, Nu Metal, 34 comments

“This is sure to come as a surprise, what with the kvlt as fvck album art and all, but Through the Noise are about as trve as Santa. With their accessible angst and envelope-friendly chuggatry, these Swedes crabwalk the thick, downtuned line between nü-metal and metalcore, and by all rights, Dualism should have been inflicted upon a n00b. However, there have been far too many 4.0’s awarded as ov late, and I would be remiss to turn down an opportunity to bring you bastards crashing back down to reality, so we are here.” Punishment is due.

CLEARxCUT – For the Wild at Heart Kept in Cages Review

By Master of Muppets on April 21, 2019 in 2019, Catalyst Records, German Metal, Hardcore, Lifeforce Records, Punk, Reviews, 55 comments

“It’s not exactly a secret that I hate you humanity and love King Apathy, so when I was presented with the opportunity to review the debut act of a band featuring Matthias S of King Apathy and ascribing to the same neo Cattle Decapitation lyrical teachings, it should come to roughly no one’s surprise that I squealed like a mildly surprised Kenword jumped at the chance to do so. This was a wish come true.” Wish or curse?

Dead to a Dying World – Elegy Review

By Master of Muppets on April 19, 2019 in 2019, American Metal, Black Metal, Doom Metal, Profound Lore Records, Reviews, Black Metal, Doom Metal, 68 comments

“If endlessly overused adages are to be believed, one might presume all Texas exports to tower over their non-Texan counterparts. I trust silly axioms about as much as I trust the Lone Star State, yet all the biases in the world cannot negate the fact that Dallas’ Dead to a Dying World delivered something downright tremendous with their sophomore full-length, Elegy. A colossal comprisal of epic atmospheric touches, devastating doom and sombre string-ed subtleties reflecting on the lost cause that is humanity, the album is certainly big enough for Texas and melancholic enough for Muppet.” Easy listening apocalypse.

Besta – Eterno Rancor Review

By Master of Muppets on April 7, 2019 in 2019, Grind, Lifeforce Records, Portuguese Metal, Reviews, 47 comments

“Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if, after all these years ov atmoblack reviews, maybe you’d like to meet something different? After rolling in the deep end of our promo bin’s blackest, mopiest waters for so long, it felt appropriate to set fire to the reign ov black ‘n boo-hoo bands and send my love to a new genre.” Muppet grinder.

Déhà – Cruel Words Review

By Master of Muppets on March 28, 2019 in 2019, Black Metal, Doom Metal, Naturmacht Productions, Post-metal, Reviews, Black Metal, Doom Metal, Post-Metal, 105 comments

“Déhà’s use of music as a means to channel bipolar depression is something that frequently resonates in my heart holes as well as my ear holes. My point: I knew there was no way I’d be objectively qualified to handle reviewing such a surefire goldmine of top-tier tearful tunes. I concede this point, but riddle me this: since when am I qualified to review anything, yo?” Lord ov Feelz.

King Apathy – Wounds Review

By Master of Muppets on February 18, 2019 in 2019, German Metal, Lifeforce Records, Post-metal, Reviews, Post-Hardcore, Post-Metal, 145 comments

“As a pledged and proud purveyor of pessimism and particularly powerful pieces ov post-black pain, it’s probably presumed by you plebs that this puppet perceives positivity and pleasure as pointless and pathetic, practically on par with such unpalatable practices as publicly popping pimples or pooping in the pool. Well, be proud, you presumptuous ~~phucks~~ poopyheads: you’re right. Everything sucks and it’s all your fault. It’s hard for a Muppet to make much meaning of mankind’s minute moments of mirth when there’s just so much wrong with the world. I could go on forever about how humans are just the absolute fucking worst, but it wouldn’t sound anywhere near as glorious as King Apathy’s latest sonic assessment of the essential suckiness of our species. So, in the interest of avoiding my transforming into a velvety Lewis Black, let’s ~~rant~~ ~~talk~~ write about that instead.” And this guy thinks the SCORE he’s giving these guys is the thing that’s gonna get him fired…

Malist – In the Catacombs of Time Review

By Master of Muppets on February 2, 2019 in 2019, Black Metal, Northern Silence Productions, Reviews, Russian Metal, Black Metal, 78 comments

“Malist’s In the Catacombs of Time – the album in question, for the contextually challenged – is about as joyful as an AIDS diagnosis. One-man blackened army Ovfrost leads a 10 track charge against cheer, skulking through an expansive spectrum ov sombre and sullen sounds along the way.” Bleak, blackened and miserable is no way to go through life, yo.