Master of Muppets

Probably doesn't know you, definitely doesn't like you.

Karg – Dornenvögel [Things You Might Have Missed 2018]

By Master of Muppets on December 19, 2018 in 2018, Art of Propaganda, Austrian Metal, Black Metal, Reviews, Things You Might Have Missed 2018, Atmospheric Black Metal, 65 comments

“If you’re like me in more socially acceptable ways, you fvcking love Harakiri for the Sky. Something about those cloying tremolo-picked melodies coupled with J.J.’s soulfelt screams just fucking does it for me in a way that I can’t get enough of, so checking out homeboy’s one-man blackened adventure, Karg, was a no-brainer for me while I waited out February’s Arson. Thank Jørn I did, as it gave me the opportunity to properly anticipate the project’s then-pending 6th full-length release, Dornenvögel, and likewise be that much more satisfied by its utter fucking greatness.” Karg the Exterminator.

Bloodbark – Bonebranches [Things You Might Have Missed 2018]

By Master of Muppets on December 19, 2018 in 2018, Black Metal, Northern Silence Productions, Things You Might Have Missed 2018, Atmospheric Black Metal, 52 comments

“If you’ve been making the mistake of paying attention to me this year, you’ve probably noticed the name Bloodbark tossed about all William Nilliam. This phenomenon has occurred for two reasons, the first of which being that you likely have terrible tastes in role models. The second, more important reason, is that Bonebranches comprises forty minutes ov the most magnificently Muppetous metal music made amidst the massive, miserable mess mankind’ll ‘member as ‘2018.’” Muppet bones.

Dirge – Ah Puch Review

By Master of Muppets on November 15, 2018 in 2018, Doom Metal, Indian Metal, Reviews, Self-released, Sludge Metal, Doom Metal, Sludge Metal, 39 comments

“So the good news is that today we’ll be taking a field trip, we’ll be heading into the jungle so dress accordingly; the betterer news is that this is a time travel episode! Drawing lyrical inspiration from history and mythology alike, India’s Dirge are taking us to Central America, circa Hernán Cortés’ storied rape of romp through the Yucatán Peninsula. This box-approved bidness is a rather violent affair in and of itself, so hurry up and get your seatbelts fastened. Or don’t, yo. Your safety is none of my concern, I’m just here to tell you about a wicked good doom album.” Exploratory doom.

Avast – Mother Culture Review

By Master of Muppets on October 30, 2018 in 2018, Black Metal, Dark Essence Records, Norwegian Metal, Reviews, Atmospheric Black Metal, Black Metal, 83 comments

“Dear Kronos, If you’re reading this, it’s already too late. When the respective hazes of gun smoke and cranial-injury clear, you’ll find your army of feral pigs disposed of and your fortress reduced to rubble; I even sang Porcupine Tree as everything burned to the ground, how’s that for brutal, yo? Anyway, you knew this was coming. You had something of mine – that’s right, had. Not only are you down a fortress and a pig army, but you’ll also find yourself no longer in possession of Avast’s Mother Culture.” Speak the Charm of Taking.

Yer Metal is Olde: Meshuggah – Chaosphere

By Master of Muppets on October 27, 2018 in 2018, Death Metal, Djent, Nuclear Blast, Swedish Metal, Yer Metal Is Olde, Djent, 119 comments

“A calamitous ray of hope against the JNCO, Meshuggah’s Chaosphere seized metal’s conventions by the throat, flayed them alive and curb-stomped the body. Atonal chords, time signature seizures, and insane, prosaic insight screamed with voice of Hell itself and more were wrought unto those caught within the ‘sphere, and this piece is dedicated to the memories of life and heaviness as we knew them before Chaosphere ripped those scandalous bitches in two.” Birth of an abomination.

The Necromancers – Of Blood and Wine Review

By Master of Muppets on October 4, 2018 in 2018, Doom Metal, French Metal, Progressive Metal, Reviews, Ripple Music, Doom Metal, Progressive Metal, 49 comments

“Guess who’s back, again: The Necromancers are back, so tell a friend, yo! A scant year and change after rocking the Hall straight to Hell with their diabolical debut Servants of the Salem Girl, the fresh faced French foursome stand at the door and knock with their party supplies in one hand and Of Blood and Wine in the other.” Muppet knows corpse magic.

The Projectionist – Visits from the Nighthag Part 1 Review

By Master of Muppets on October 1, 2018 in 2018, Appalachian Noise Records, Black Metal, Canadian Metal, Reviews, Black Metal, 46 comments

“In the dying throes of September, as the foliage descends with the temperature and the year draws closer to its inevitable demise, the cool breezes of the approaching winter whisper like ghosts warning of death to come; ’tis the season for socially acceptable revelry in the spooky side ov things, and haunts ‘n horrors are in the air in Canada — at least, they were when The Projectionist carved out their seriously sinister sophomore LP, Visits From the Nighthag Part 1.” Hag reflex.

Cataya – Firn Review

By Master of Muppets on September 25, 2018 in 2018, Ambient Metal, German Metal, Instrumental Metal, Moment of Collapse Records, Reviews, Ambient Metal, Instrumental Metal, 61 comments

“Music is a visual experience for me, so much so that when I see something instrumental smoldering in the Angry Metal Heap ov Dreams, I grow curious rather than cautious. Such was the case with Cataya’s Firn, and I met its four-track challenge with all kinds of optimism: I ain’t afraid of no vox.” Less talk, more mood.

Betzefer – Entertain Your Force of Habit Review

By Master of Muppets on September 19, 2018 in 2018, Groove Metal, Hard Rock, Israeli Metal, Metalville, Reviews, Groove Metal, Hard Rock, 72 comments

“Picture this, if you will. It’s Friday night, for at least a little while longer anyway. The air is thick with smoke and raised voices, illuminated only vaguely by various neon signs and their reflections off countless bottles and glasses. Here at the Angry Metal Bikerer Bar®, the music matches the mood: from a cramped corner masquerading as a stage, four angry metal guys unleash gravely growls and swagtastic riffage unto the leather and denim-clad patrons with a gritty little ditty titled ‘Ain’t No Party ‘Til You Hurt Somebody.'” Far beyond dreidel.

P.H.O.B.O.S. – Phlogiston Catharsis Review

By Master of Muppets on September 7, 2018 in 2018, Black Metal, Doom Metal, French Metal, Industrial Metal, Reviews, Transcending Obscurity, Black Metal, Doom Metal, Industrial Metal, 46 comments

“If there’s any country you can trust to surrender untold riches ov blackened gold after relatively little investigative prodding, it’s France. Harboring such harbingers of box-breaching blackness as Alcest, Deathspell Omega, and Blut Aus Nord, the French black metal scene is very much alive and mentally unwell, and in France Muppet trusts. Muppet also trusts in Transcending Obscurity Records to the extent that a French black metal act appearing on their roster would normally be the epitome of Master-bait music.” Stop touching your promo.