Record reviews
“Dante Alighieri once said “The path to paradise begins in Hell.” Andy Curtis-Brignell and Laurence Taylor, the backbone of Caïna, hold these powerful words true and no album makes this more apparent than their new outing – Christ Clad in White Phosphorus.” If you’re going through Hell, keep going.
“Want to hear a bunch of metal bands you probably like chopped up and thrown together in some sort of audial stir fry? The Revenge-y titled Hope Misery Death is here, it’s Pestifere, and now I’m going to write about it.” Black metal salad, anyone?
“If you are looking for groundbreaking speed metal, Nuke doesn’t have it. But it is exactly what you want from a speed-metal record and it has become the rebellious soundtrack to my sultry weekends. Once spun, you begin to hear the rolling thunder of domesticated, metal-head dads everywhere. They all roll out of bed on a Saturday morning, raise middle fingers to their front yards, and tell that unkempt grass to go fuck itself.” The Lawn Doctor is out!
“From a band that’s as much of an institution as any group this century could be, any new release is going to be big news, but it’s extra special for old Kronos, since Revocation albums are de facto milestones in my tenure at AMG. Three albums down, and I’m happy to say that my opinion of the band has yet to take a hit. 2014’s Deathless has stood the test of time despit.” Fanboys be fanning.
“Nostalgia is a dragon that almost always eludes our grasp, because we’ve grown and the things we used to love are still essentially the same. While some things like Super Mario 64 will never lose their appeal, others will. So it was with Nothing Lies Beyond, a band so sonically entrenched in the days of 2005-2009 that I was basically transported back to my high school years.” Sounds of a playground…rising!
“For an American who’s never visited, Australia seems like the coolest place on Earth. I get emissions testing done on my Toyota and listen to an old Army veteran reminisce about the beachy weather and beautiful women he met during his R&R travel there. I talk to a co-worker and hear stories about young women writing their phone numbers on tennis balls and tossing them onto the deck of his ship as it pulled into Sydney. I shotgun a Fosters while riding a kangaroo, wearing Globes, and blasting Deströyer 666 loud enough to crush my balls. I may have made one of those up. Point is, I love Australian metal, and Denouncement Pyre is no exception.” Disparaging the Boot is a bootable offense, Mark!
“Back in high school, metal fans, me ashamedly included, compared our chosen genre to classical in its proficiency and complexity, and laughed at the other “dumb” genres for their lack of “intelligent” lyrics and themes. What intolerable pricks were we. I can confidently say that, had I been in that woefully immature mindset currently, I would not have enjoyed anything about Vulvodynia. Their second full-length Psychosadistic Design is everything the intelligent pretentious types love to hate: it’s loud, it’s obnoxious, it’s hilariously over-the-top in its lyrical effrontery, and it chugs more than someone getting perpetually annihilated at beer pong. And honestly, I haven’t had this much fun with slamming brutal death metal in years.” Slam the torpedoes, full chug ahead!
“Instead of a dull description of the five tracks and 44 minutes of Fen-like black metal on this Canadian quintet’s debut, let’s do something else. Take out a blank sheet of paper, draw a five-by-five square grid, and write one post-black cliche in each square. Ready? Good, because it’s time for POST-BLACK BINGO!” When you play Post-Black Bingo, you win or you…shoegaze.
“It’s time once again to turn loose the Swanös! Well, the Swanö named Dan anyway. That’s because the mega-man is back with his Witherscape project, and as before he’s brought along his mustachioed compadre, Ragner Widerberg to provide multi-instrumental support. Those who heard the massive debut, The Inheritance know what to expect – rich, melodic, somewhat progressive death metal with a cosmic ass-ton of hooks, mood and memorability.” The Danimal is back for the attack.
“One of the best aspects of writing for Angry Metal Guy Inc. Ltd. Turbo Hyper-Fighting Edition, besides the scenic view of the cemetery right outside the window of my broom closet/office, is the chance to review something challenging and different. Texas one-man black metal act Goatcraft definitely fits the bill as both. Yes, we review a crap-ton of one-man (or woman) black metal here, but I don’t recall us ever reviewing an album that’s strictly piano.” One man, one keyboard…all blackness.
