“Every tepid, derivative power metal act I’ve ever reviewed for this humble blog, pay attention: This is how it’s done. Please, for the love of Turilli, don’t take this to mean that Eunomia’s The Chronicles of Eunomia Part I, the brainchild of one Peter Danielsen, is a sterling example of a refined power metal release; mimicking this record’s technical foibles would be, on all fronts, an objectively bad idea.” War clubbing.
“The first time I heard the Norwegian oddity known as Manes, I was in grad school. That fateful day, I was grading organic chemistry exams, locked away in that windowless closet of a grading room. With hours of work ahead of me, I took the time to find some new music to ease the pain. After getting caught in the rabbit’s hole of ‘similar artists’ and the ‘who-played-with-who’ links of Metal Archives, I emerged with Manes. And, I figured, this oughta do.” Music for destroying futures.
“Once upon a time, Steel Druhm was brought on board the Bad Ship AMG to handle all things traditional and power metal. Since then I’ve branched out and find myself covering much less power-related music, and few albums in the genre get me geeked up these days. Mob Rules are one of the few acts that have restored my faith in the genre in recent years, with a slick, accessible style packed with essential crunch, heaviness and power.” The Mob has spoken.
“Welcome to Psych 102! Today we discuss the phenomenon of semantic saturation, or satiation. Ever hear a word so often it just becomes a sound and loses all meaning? Let’s try it here! Read this out loud, focusing on the sound of the word: juxtapose. Juxtapose. Juxtapose. Juxtapose. Juxtapose. Are you feeling it yet? Syrian/Canadian guitarist Shant Hagopian was, and he was feeling it with music rather than words. Developing an acute allergy to repetition, he decided to create a band with a focus on variety, resulting in the instrumental band Semantic Saturation.” Paradigms and envelopes.
“While the cliché has been beaten into the dust, came again, and was beaten further until it returned unto the dust, let me use it just one more time: death-thrash is like pizza – even when it’s not great, it’s still good. This little corner of the metalverse has given me the two things I crave when listening to metal – riffs and energy – in spades, clubs, hearts, and diamonds.” Comes with ER included!
“The humble tomato. Once thought fatal to humans, this plump berry of controversial dietary properties has become ubiquitous in world cuisine, and just as it has spread, it has diversified. You can pick up a watery, underripe reddish spheroid at any supermarket in America and it will usually get the job done for a salad or sandwich, but it’s the freshly picked, heirloom varieties that really showcase the tomato’s potential, not only as a part of your diet but also as a metaphor—a metaphor for death metal, perhaps.” Tomato, tom-ot-o, DIE!
“In recent times, we’ve had several naked space ladies adorning stoner covers, one of them cuddling an astronaut that reappeared on a third, more psychedelic interpretation. Spacetrucker pay homage to Deep Purple with their name, their favorite weed-smoking mood with album title Smooth Orbit, and a curious combination of Scooby Doo and the far reaches of the cosmos with their album art. Let’s find out whether their music is as dank as their kush.” Cruising the stars in a mystery van.
“If you were to tell me a decade ago, when I was still in college in New Hampshire, that there would be a glut of doom metal bands here in America, I would have laughed heartily in your collective face while avoiding my Statistics homework for the umpteenth time. Yet, ten years later, here we are.” You’ll need Stats and doom later in life, son.
“In one month, I’ll be having my 5-year anniversary with Angry Metal Guy and His Amazing Super-Friends, and I’ve learned some major lessons in those five years. First, you never ever leave the toilet seat up in the bathroom next to the dungeon my office. Second, use of the word “samey” is grounds for immediate extraction from our building by way of a high-powered pneumatic catapult. And finally, critique the music you are subjected to without the beautifully colored shades of hype from others.” Taking the sun and going home.
“Exactly once a year, on an undisclosed and constantly shifting date, Unique Leader puts out a killer death metal record. Think about it. Last year I heaped praise on Cytotoxin’sGammageddon. Frankly, it smacks of conspiracy. I have no idea what the label stands to gain from this strategy of randomly inserting quality product among a dozen bags of Drano, but this Skinner box of brutality does keep me coming back to the alley in the hopes that the next record I pick up from them will be the one that’s allowed to shine. Molten Giant never stood a chance.” SKINNER!!
