“When bands list their influences publicly, I’m apt to cross at least a few of those names off a list of potential name-drops. Whether or not those tributaries contributed to the intellectual process of music-making is irrelevant. Many bands resemble their idols only with a squint and a head-tilt. Yet The Crawling’s list of Bolt Thrower, Entombed, My Dying Bride, and Novembre reads like a playbill., each entry more accurate than next.” A night at the chopra.
“My friends ask me what happened, but my ability to verbally communicate has been reduced to moaning and a weeping noise that sounds something like a baby panda crying for milk. I wonder how I’m going to make it through the final day of this floating festival. I wonder when the aching will subside. I wonder where my life went so wrong. How did I end up here, on the 7th annual 70000 Tons of Metal cruise, weak with exhaustion and feeling like my body has been bludgeoned with a sledgehammer? My mind drifts back…” Tales from a 70000 ton heavy thing.
“I like doom, it’s a genre replete with crushing riffs, evocative themes (doom spelled backward is “mood,” after all) and one of the best examples to turn to when you need something spine-crushingly heavy. What it doesn’t do is respect your time.” Time waits for no band.
![Plateau Sigma – Rituals [Things You Might Have Missed 2016]](https://www.angrymetalguy.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/plateausigmarituals2.jpg)
“Italy’s Plateau Sigma have been on my radar for a couple of years: they always edged something quite interesting with their emotive doom metal but they lacked consistency and the song-writing was choppy at best. Yet it was with eagerness that I encountered their second full length, given the chinks of excellence evident previously. Rather than continuing the trend of slow but steady improvement, Rituals enveloped me entirely in its sheets of atmospheric doom and calming beauty, upheld by a strong, mid-paced core.” Doom in your stocking.
“The old adage “Never judge a book by its cover” holds firm here. Long story short, I picked Germany’s Ewigheim for review from our list of promos because a certain half-man, half-gorilla who shall forever remain nameless listed them as “black metal” due to the album cover, logo, and the fact that he glanced over the German one-sheet. Hankering for some kvlt blackness of the tr00est order, I grabbed their sixth full-length, Schlaflieder, and was met with… something totally not black metal.” Mistakes were made.
“As much as I hate to admit it, my appreciation for doom has declined over the years. Back when I was first getting into metal, I remember scouring the doom metal Wikipedia page for info on the genre and purchasing all the My Dying Bride, Katatonia, and Swallow the Sun CDs my minimum-wage high school job could afford. But in recent years, I’ve become too impatient to sit and ponder dreary sadboy melodies or chords that reverberate for ten seconds at a time.” What’s the rush?!
“The immense advertising campaign inadvertently carried out by certain English street signs notwithstanding, Dead End is a strange and largely uninspiring name for a death-doom band. A name like Paradise Lost brings to mind Milton’s epic poem about the Fall of Man, Katatonia suggests an inescapable numbness, and My Dying Bride evokes a mental horror show. Dead End, on the other hand, brings to mind seeing a sign that means I have to make a three-point turn before I reach the end of the road I’m driving on. I don’t exactly enjoy three-point turns, but they certainly don’t fill me with dread.” Fear the cvl-de-sac.
“I love seeing bands progress beyond their infant stages, taking their influences and branching out into worlds unknown. Germany’s Heaven Shall Burn are not one of those bands you think of when you picture the word “progress.” They’ve taken their signature sound from 2004’s landmark Antigone, refined their attack, and proceeded to beat us over the head with variations of their trademark brand of metalcore/death metal/whatever it is the cool kids are calling them these days.” AMG: Voice of the cool kids since 2009.
“I recently heard from a coworker that lobster meat only has to contain about 2% actual lobster to be labeled as such. Often when you’re biting into a cheap lobster roll, you’re actually eating monkfish – a bottom dwelling creature that looks like a cross between a dog turd and a deep sea anglerfish that got run over by a dump truck. Why bring this up? Well, if Polish grindcore quartet F.A.M. are any indication, mediocre deathgrind albums work the same way.” Contents guaranteed to be fresh.
“When you think about the month of August, what does your mind conjure up? Afternoon swims in your background pool? Grilling your favorite killed prey on the barbecue with an ice-cold beer clutched in one hand? Unbearably hot heat waves? Whatever it is, I’m sure you are not thinking of one-person doom metal projects.” Yet that’s all Grymm thinks about! The man is a one-man one-man-band reviewing machine!
