Record reviews
“When faced with a work of art that purports to be avant-garde, invariably a question must be asked: is the all-but-total abandonment of classical song structure and melody a hallmark of innovation and a refutation of the musical establishment or is it merely the flotsam-and-jetsam of musicians lacking the skills to write a decent song in the first place?” Challenging.
“Whenever I see bands like Slayer and Motörhead emblazoned across shirts for sale in fashionable high street clothing stores, I always have a little internal conflict with myself. On the one hand, I feel I ought to be enthusiastic about anything that introduces people to the world of heavy music. On the other, a childish part of me kind of likes metal being a bit of a secret society.” Join the club but prepare for hazing.
“Pennsylvania’s Zao needs no further introduction. One of metalcore’s pioneering bands influenced a huge swath of groups, mainstream and underground, with their chaotic riffing, pummeling rhythms, honest, heart-wrenching lyrics and venomous screaming of Dan Weyandt. And while the band endured quite the past, Zao continue to walk to the beat of their own drum while inviting the fans to come along.” December sucks for new releases, until it doesn’t.
“Metalheads saying “I’m a pagan” is, generally speaking, our chosen genre’s equivalent of wine-guzzling middle-aged single women who say they’re “not religious, but spiritual” during those book clubs where Eat, Pray, Love is read in perpetuity. It’s empty posturing made to make someone sound more profound and “enlightened” than they actually are. So-called pagan metal is generally melodic stuff with a lyrical eye to old folklore but, other than that, the definition doesn’t give us a whole lot to go on.” Only join Book of the Dead clubs.
“Let’s be honest. The internet has simultaneously made everything better while absolutely fucking ruined it. Yes, we can get music and movies instantly, order pizza online, and buy embarrassing shit like hemorrhoidal cream without handing someone money face to face. At the same time, any mystery about life has been sucked out of our consciousness like an effeminate Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire chomping on some pale, lame white girl.” The internetz are for porn (and butt balm).
“I was rooting for Terra. About two years ago when this English trio released their untitled debut, I thought the group had the potential to breathe fresh life into the so-called “Cascadian” black metal scene that had been losing steam for the past few years. Nevermind that they aren’t technically from the Pacific Northwest…” Cascading is the new voguing.
“I will admit off the bat that I did not know what I was walking into with Ash Borer. They were a random pick, as our promo sheet is currently blacker than an Ad Reinhardt ten-part series on being born blind. I missed the boat on the so-called “Cascadian black metal” scene after several unsatisfying jaunts with Wolves in the Throne Room, but I’m down to see what all the hype is about.” Hype can truly be a bore.
“The biggest difference between 2013’s Doomsday Elite and their previous work is the amount of inspiration they brought into every track of Doomsday. They brought in The Kovenant’s Psy Coma to handle the closing orchestral arrangements, Negator’s Nachtgarm for vocal assistance, and the guitars of Keep of Kalessin’s Vyl. And Anti-Cosmic Art is here to take it one step further. The band brings more guests, unleashes more riffs, more blastbeats, and a plethora of guitar solos. The result is Sarkom’s best release to date. ” Is this the Avantasia of blackness?
“December is a brutal month for us lowly reviewers. Between unreasonable demands for End of Year lists from our monstrous editors to unreasonable Christmas wish lists from our equally monstrous children, we get yanked in every direction. To make matters worse, all the good bands have finished issuing their albums and we are left sifting through the muck and the mire, desperately trying to find something that will boost our average review scores” Second prize is a set of steak knives.
“Before I write this review, let me educate the non-American readers of this fine website about the amazing about-face that happens this time of year. Just one day before I finalized this review, our nation celebrated Thanksgiving, a day where we all sit around the table, eat turkey, unsuccessfully avoid all conversations about politics, and above all give thanks for what we have. I mention this because 24 hours later, a phenomenon known as Black Friday began. A day where all promises of thanks and gratefulness are dashed.” Fight for that discount waffle maker!
