“Amberian Dawn are a Finnish neoclassical power metal stalwart that has been around for almost a decade, always lurking somewhere on the outskirts of mainstream popularity, but never quite reaching the status of bands such as Nightwish or Epica.” Enough of this kvlt crap, let’s fire up the pop-porn!
“Melted Space. A project with more vocalists than Avantasia and more guests than a free beer and sex party. An ambitious metal opera, Pierre le Pape draws together myriad musicians and vocalists in depicting his epic vision on this debut, The Great Lie. It’s a monumental work….” And off to Finishing School we go to get some much needed culture.
“Tolkien metal is actually a thing. For those that haven’t come across it prior to now, it’s a subgenre of black metal that’s supposedly more atmospheric and ambient with lyrics entirely based around Tolkien’s works. Summoning are the forerunners of the genre, but it looks like they have a little competition in the shape of Serbian band Númenor.” Nerds. Be. Raging (and LARPING).
“Once a writer has reviewed a band, it’s standard practice for them to review any subsequent records that band releases. Unless, of course, AMG wrote the original review and is too busy masturbating over old Iron Maiden records to critique new music. As you will have noticed, this scenario arose just the other week, and that’s why it’s fallen to me to review Leaves’ Eyes’ latest platter.” We have a system and you’re gonna use it!
“Hot on the lashing tail of the cheesiest of Sharknado films, Powerwolf return with another wolfnado of larger than life proportions. I’m told it’s supposed to be a humdinger, boasting some of the finest power metal, speed, hard rock and unholy orchestra contributions, and Powerwolf kept this firecracker under wraps for near on two years before unleashing it on the unsuspecting public.” Where are you when we need you, Tara Reid?
“Not having heard anymore from the Graveworm camp after their 2011 release, you can hardly blame me for assuming the band had realized their obsolescence. Imagine my surprise at getting promo from AFM Records for Ascending Hate. I had to hear it, it was that simple.” Madam X needed to hear some blackened death? In other news: the sun is hot and dogs like steak.
“Here’s a fun fact for you stat geeks: the average score gaily awarded to full Rhapsody releases by the resident Turilli fangirl (our great leader himself) is 4.83/5.0. Check ’em here. Clearly a much more objective party needed to intervene to prevent further such madness, offering a view impervious to Turilli’s rugged Italian charms.” Stop the madness. Lightning bolt!
“Do a quick Google (or should I say YouTube) search of vocalist PelleK. If you are not familiar with this name, you will discover that he loves selfies, modeled shots, filming himself singing other people’s shit, and acting in Norwegian TV shows. Though his solo work in Pellek is enough to make me wanna set myself on fire (which includes sixteen cover albums of EVERYTHING from Pokemon and Power Rangers themes to ’90s sitcom themes), his four-octave range is simply incredible. So, were Damnation Angels damnable fools for snatching him up for 2013’s Bringer of Light and 2015’s The Valiant Fire?” You know you want to hear those Pokémon themes.
“The newly devised Angry Metal Guy forums, in collaboration with the great guys at Metal-Fi, have had very mixed results. On the one hand, I now have a place where I can discuss metal with people from all walks of life rather than just my superfluous IRL ‘friends’ whose metal credibility crashed and burned when they thought Bullet For My fucking Valentine was kvlt. On the other, it’s been apocalyptic for my productivity and bank balance and goes to show the great diversity of music which regretfully flies under the AMG radar.” In a nutshell, message boards are evil but useful.
“Pizza is a sacred thing. When it’s good, it’s damn good. When it sucks, it’s an affront to humanity. An atrocity on a level with the Biafran revolt, just about every Adam Sandler movie, some genocides, and Illud Divinum Insanus. If you’ve read more than one of my reviews here on AMG you will know that I often equate music to food, not just because it is an analogy I think most people relate to, but I love these two things more than even my family members who aren’t reading this right now. The Seventh Life Path may not be my pie of choice, but during my tenure as a music critic, I’ve heard enough from the formative years on to be able to approach an album with at least relative objectivity.” In food, as in music, too much sugar wrecks the palate.
