“Why is everything in my November promo bin a part I or IV of something bigger? I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped at the Third-Tier Fantasy Fiction Fan Con and I’m dreading what lurks around the next corner. Will it be The Atomic Dragon Bosoms of Gefilte Pt. VII? The Purple Cloak of Chromatic Unicorn Fabulousness Pt. X? Can’t we just do one-off albums again, people?”
“While the name Graveshadow would suggest a band dabbling in a number of genres, the album art pretty much narrows that list down to a select few. Just seconds into Nocturnal Resurrection and all your wonder transforms into 100% certainty. This album clearly bleeds with the Nightwish-washy inklings of symphonic keys and power-metal attitude. I suppose this makes sense being that this sextet hails from the magical forests of Finlannnn… oh wait.. Sacramento.” Hamster, a dentist! Hard porn, Steven Seagull!
“There is no greater genre for intentional anonymity than black metal. Sure, the music should speak for itself, but you gotta admit that there’s a glut of faceless kvltery going around, and I’m not talking about corpsepaint, either. Hooded robes, gas masks, ski masks, demon masks, you name it, are being utilitzed ad nauseam with mixed results. Greece’s Awe trumps them by not only eschewing with the whole mask thing, but also the whole bandmember-naming convention, as there isn’t a band photo or even a line-up mentioned anywhere on the Interwebz.” Attach the Horn of Shame!
“The dramatic fall from grace of the often maligned melodic death metal sub-genre is well documented among metalheads. Things were looking so damn rosy during the ’90s heyday.” Ah, those were the days.
“If you’re feeling a combination of bored, Aristotelian, churlish, and are unwilling to leave your house, Form and Matter: Metal Edition is fun for the whole family. It’s a simple game where you make the “form” (the “definition”/record title) match the “matter” (the music) of a record. Some examples: Your Weird Drunken Uncle Makes an Edgy Hard Rock Record; Alestorm but Not as Good, and Eight Strings, Zero Riffs.” And that brings us to today’s contestant.
“When I think of blackened Viking metal with influences from prominent Satan-centric places on this great Earth – such as Norway and France – I don’t necessarily think of New Hampshire. I’m no expert in American history so maybe there were bountiful Viking raids on picturesque seaside towns like Seabrook, but I can’t be sure about that. Nonetheless, Cold Northern Vengeance comes bearing gifts of such blackened Viking metal from their cheerful home town in the form of Maelstrom.” Vikings ruined my leaf peeping weekend.
“I have to give respect where it’s due. Upon reading the bio sheet that came with Stahlsarg’s debut album, Comrades in Death, I discovered that the British band already has their own beer out. I wish more bands would just cut out the middle-man and get right to brewing my favorite beverage. Also, they have shirts, coffee mugs, and even tote bags from a single glance of their webstore. All of this done without a single release! If nothing else, Stahlsarg knew to take a page from Cradle of Filth when it comes to marketing and promotion.” Beer, black metal and tote bags. Huh?
“Those who remember my review of Vreid’s rambling Welcome Farewell will remember that they arose from the tragic end of Windir. Vreid’s sound bears some similarities to Windir’s warring black metal roots, but it also goes beyond that. They’ve honed a black ‘n roll sound that’s loaded with repetitively catchy riffs and melodies that bludgeon in their familiarity and overuse.” Who’s up for some overused bludgeoning?
“Amberian Dawn are a Finnish neoclassical power metal stalwart that has been around for almost a decade, always lurking somewhere on the outskirts of mainstream popularity, but never quite reaching the status of bands such as Nightwish or Epica.” Enough of this kvlt crap, let’s fire up the pop-porn!
“Here’s something that I haven’t had in a long time when it comes to a review: brevity! Yes, gang, after several reviews of music clocking in anywhere between 50 and 80 minutes, the higher-ups decided it would be a swell gesture to hand me an EP by a young troupe from Indiana called Visceral Throne.” Prepared to be ensnared.
