“Timōrātus is a deathcore project comprised primarily of David and Courtney Napier. They started out back in 2006 as a decidedly serious evangelical Christian band—their name means “full of reverence towards God; devout” in Latin—until just a couple years ago when they turned to parody in 2020’s My Life In a Mediocre Metal Band. This would explain why the jokes, such as they are, remain doggedly G-rated. One could call them youth pastor-y.” Spinal Pap.
“Figuring out what a band sounds like is akin to writing a biography: look first to the influences. Alestorm’s biography would need chapters devoted to a beloved and trve band named Bal-Sagoth. Early Alestorm material is based around the idea that it would be fun if Bal-Sagoth were Scottish, got drunk, played sea shanties, and kept the keyboard heroics.” Who ordered the Ale with Bals?
“When I think “German death metal,” I usually think of names like Muhammed Suiçmez, Lille Gruber, and Christian Münzner. Innovators in technicality and brutality, all three of them have left their mark on metal despite the drowsy German death metal scene. Every so often though, the sleeping snore, and the cause of the rumble today is a different trio with a different take on death metal. Deserted Fear pay homage to their boreal neighbors via a chunky synthesis of Björriffs and Viking simplicity, and even if their fourth album, Drowned by Humanity¸ won’t awaken Teutonic death metal, it stirs the body enough to delay a death pronouncement.” Oh, the Humanity.
“I guess it’s only fitting that I’d follow up a review of the newest Machine Head record with another long-lost thrash band. This time, it’s a German outfit that hit the scene in 1986 and has more thrash metal cred than the thrash/groove/rap-metal outfit from Oakland, CA. Even if no one has any idea who they are. Accuser’s first two records, 1987’s The Conviction and 1989’s Who Dominates Who?, are underrated thrash metal classics. The latter, in particular, is a thrashpiece that combines the technicality of Testament and Annihilator with Kreator, Metallica, and Destruction. But after 1987, the band swan-dived straight into the groove-metal pavement for the next four releases. With this nightmarish Pantera-like tailspin finally coming to a halt after Taken by the Throat. And, to no one’s surprise, the band was no more.” Thrash through the ages.
“In terms of sound, little has changed in the Origin camp since Antithesis. The excessive hyper-blasting, the tandem bass and lead guitar sweeps and taps, the switch to chunkier riffs before going back into hyper-technicality; it’s all here in fine enough form. Of course it’s more restrained than Brain Drill (really, what isn’t?), but Origin still traffics in very clinical chaos.” Legacy of br00tality.
“Though I live in quasi-bear country, I had no idea “bear mace” was a thing until I started researching Bear Mace (the band). While I know encounters with real-life Pooh bears are no laughing matter, there’s something comical about whipping out a can of bear mace to fend off a charging Grizzly. I mean, seriously, what are the odds that everything is going to end well?” You have the bear minimum chance of success.
“Some marketing types like to talk about what they call fast followers, people who capitalize on an idea and make it better or more palatable shortly after the innovator puts out their original product, smartly getting someone else to test the waters for both the idea generally and the flaws in its initial execution. If this is true, then we can safely assume that the “Norwegian” Sons of Balaur weren’t created by competent marketers in a boardroom.” Black metal straight from Dexter’s Laboratory.
Vikings. They’ve overtaken motorcycle gangs, sparkly vampires, and variations of the zombie as the Big Thing of the Now in America, if our television shows and Faceborg timelines are correct. Thing is, “Vikings have been a trend for a long-ass time in the realm of heavy metal. Hell, Yngwie FOOKING Malmsteen was a Viking long before Amon Amarth first sailed their ships into stormy waters. He even proclaimed so himself! But that’s not gonna stop the new crop of metal bands from brandishing their axes, donning their horned helmets, and sailing away to uncharted lands. Germany’s Asenblut toss their shields into the pagan circle with their third album, Berzerker.” Do you have a Viking inside you? Want one?
It’s hard not to be in the mood for some folk metal when I wake up every morning surrounded by towering pine trees and solar-eclipsed mountains. The birds chirping incessantly, the sun patiently ascending the treetops, and the gentle breeze carrying the sweet smell of dew-tickled pine needles. These are the surroundings that make folk metal. And what better way to take in this lush atmosphere than with a new Equilibrium release? Sure, there are bands better suited for my morning cup of coffee, but these Ensiferum and Finntroll worshipers have been delivering quality folk metal for close to fifteen years. 2016 finds them in a dark mood—a mood altogether surprising to a band known for being folking fun. So what happens when the band unleashes Armageddon on its fans? Is it too late to shut this off before the trees catch fire?
“With a band name like Victorian Whore Dogs, “be serious” is, most likely, not a common phrase for these UK sludge metallers. This becomes undeniable when you discover VWD song titles like “Michael Bay’s Transformers Are the Best Transformers” (from 2013’s Fetch EP) and the ridiculous song about Conan the Barbarian’s sexual endeavors (“Kromdrom,” from 2015’s Hobo Chic EP).” Who let the dogs whore?
