“What’s that? You’re tired of the progressive melodoom or whatever foofoo bullshit we’re giving Record o’ the Month to these days? Of course, you are. You want something heavier. Faster. Rawer. Something that feels like eating stale Chinese food out of a back alley garbage can while a stray cat gives birth in the background. We’ve all been there, and the solution is simple: Vomitor.” Vomitor, repeat as needed.
“With the dawn of a new year and all the changes that come with it, sometimes it’s good to keep in mind the things that stay the same. That is: Judge Judy will always provide excellent daytime television. The “cockroach mosh” video will never not be funny. And Hells Headbangers will continue to deliver a seemingly endless supply of barbaric extreme metal pulled from countries I’m only familiar with thanks to National Geographic.” Mysterious and riffy.
“Having not heard a note of Druid Lord prior to taking up the gory mantle for review, I reached into the ol’ Grymm Grab Bag™ to see what goodies Druid Lord have in store for us. With a descriptor over at Metal Archives as being death/doom with a strong horror vibe, this should be right up my alley, yes?” More Scream than Hostel.
“Though he continues to use the shredding—and, sometimes melodic—guitar work of Abigail, the groove of Motörhead, and the speed metal of Venom, Athenar’s in-your-face vocal style, and evolving songwriting, are his own. But, the pressure is on and the hype is up. Will 2017’s Sweet Death and Ecstasy prove to be that follow-up No Mercy for Mayhem needs?” Midnight in the garden of scissors.
“As I write this, Halloween is fast approaching. For me, it’s a time of binging on bad horror movies, gorging myself on Starbursts, and watching girls make things slutty that I didn’t even know could be slutty. Yet those long shadows and that eerie October chill also make a great time to enjoy some good old-fashioned metal, even if by ‘old fashioned’ I really mean a style which just emerged a few years ago. I’m talking about ‘blackened heavy metal’…” Starburst, slutty nurses, B-horror movies, and… blackened heavy metal?
“I’m often a little cautious when introduced to new bands who seem to be born aloft on a draught of novelty furore. I feel the same familiar shiver when I see the “retro” tag scratching around in the promo bin, but even I can admit that, sometimes, retro does not negate relevancy. Enter Cursed Moon. This one man entity hailing from L.A, combines the 80’s melodrama of darkwave (new wave and post punk combined with gothic rock) with the feral nature of early black metal to spawn debut album Rite of Darkness.” A blaze in the L.A. sky.
“Presumably vocalist/bassist/guitarist Nabucodonosor III has been busy with black-thrashers Force of Darkness while drummer Hateaxes Command has been pounding the skins for seemingly every band in the Chilean underground. Nonetheless Archer’s sophomore full-length is finally upon us, and it probably isn’t too far off what you’d expect from a record with ‘impure’ in its title and poorly rendered titties on its cover.” Raw is a lifestyle choice.
“But, Bonehunter threw the first punch and the only way up is down. We might as well take it all out (and get it all out) because Bone(r)hunter’s newest record flails and flops like a fully erect Grizzly dick. Submit to the Sexual Panic Human Machine.” Bonus bear.
“Heavy metal, despite primarily being a possession of what we proudly call the underground, is not impervious to the revisionist proclivity of plucking from the past with genres like re-thrash, Even Newer Wave of British Heavy Metal, occult rock, and currently on the chopping block, retro-Swedish death. 2014’s EP, Interstellar Knowledge of the Purple Entity was my introduction proper to Skelethal and it just about made me turn my Fruit of the Looms into a fudge factory. At just 21 minutes, it was a perfect little window to the days of yore when Entombed and particularly Carnage were all.” The Play Doh Fudge Factory is not as fun as it sounds.
“Australia’s Cemetery Urn describe themselves as ‘barbaric Australian death metal,’ and one gets the feeling listening to their self-titled third record that they’d welcome ceaseless barbaric bloodshed.” Commence the hacking.
