“Witchthroat Serpent, a stoner doom outfit hailing from Toulouse, France, has an interesting concept. Instead of the run-of-the-mill trips endemic to stoner doom, this trio chose a darker avenue, focusing on ritualistic substances rather than those recreational.” Addicted to cults.
“Metalcore is an important genre. Now that all the metal elitists are lighting torches and gathering pitchforks, let me explain. Most kids these days (sadly) aren’t listening to Master of Puppets, and the gateway bands of the 80’s simply are not converting new people. I would never have discovered this site and thereby many of my now favorite bands like Wilderun, Barren Earth, Æther Realm without first stumbling onto Killswitch Engage. So, my interest was piqued when Lord Druhm visited the n00b dungeon to deliver the promo for Italian band Manam’s debut, Rebirth of Consciousness, promising a blend of melodeath and metalcore.” Gateway thugs.
“Time for a confession, dear reader, one that I hope will not cost me the “exalted” position of Nameless N00b_17: I am not a follower of the trve faith and, try as I might, cannot enjoy black metal. I know, I know, it’s all about the atmospherics, the stripped-back aggression, the chilling extremity… but, to be frank, I find myself unable to appreciate the, um, subtleties of Gorgoroth or Marduk. So it was with a certain sense of trepidation that I approached Mosaic I: L’Amour et L’Ardeur, the third album from Canada’s Unreqvited.” Northern sadness.
“I’ve always liked Unearth’s style of metalcore, which I first encountered on the genre classic The Oncoming Storm. That’s their high-water mark for me, and the sound of Americanized Swedish melo-death with the breakdowns of metalcore hit both the melodic and kinetic sweet spots. Yes, structurally it was predictable; you could bet successfully that if there was a chugging bit then a melodic one was right around the corner or vice versa, but it worked like gangbusters. The more Unearth adheres to their established sound, in my view, the better.” Stay in your lane!
“One might be excused for drawing certain assumptions by just glancing at the logo adorning GodSkill’s The Gatherer of Fear and Blood. It does have a core-y vibe to it. But if an image pops into your head right now of sentient, ambulatory tattoos that scrape the ground with their instruments to accentuate an ultra-sick breakdown, then stop right there and fear not. For GodSkill do not deal in crabwalking and floorboard br00talization. Instead, these Germans subscribe to more traditional strains of death and black metal.” Show us how the Godskill.
“I was heating up my standard n00b issue cup of mop water in the break room when I heard a commotion over at the hobo wine station. When I approached, the assembled staff writers fell silent and exchanged knowing glances with Steel Druhm. “N00b 17, how are you, my boy?” he said cheerfully. “N00b 7” I corrected, but he continued without acknowledging. “I have a special assignment for you.” He handed me a promo wrapped in red paper and smelling faintly of pine needles. My “gift” was Winter Is Here: A Holiday Rock Opera Pt. 2 (yes, part two) by power/symphonic metal band A Hero For the World. I could only stand dumbfounded as the writers launched into a drunken rendition of “Jingle Bells” and pelted me with pine cones.” Deck the n00bs.
“As I write this, I’m locked into a bitter war with an uncommonly potent cold. The irony of being as mucosal as the everyday gland isn’t lost on me while I sit and cogitate on the importance of nomenclature during another play-through of Ravaged Spleen Outburst’s debut. Many bands can trace their humble beginnings through a youthful yet indelible moniker, even in the face of unmistakable growth. This is something the one-man Serbian slaughter machine responsible for Ravaged Spleen Outburst likely knows something about.” You’ve got some spleenin’ to do.
“‘N00b, I have something for you.’ I turn to face the voice, surprised to be spoken to directly as all my assignments have arrived via raven scroll thus far. ‘I want to reward you for how well you’ve handled being the worst n00b.’ Steel Druhm hands me a wrapped package. I stand dumb, just as I always do in the presence of authority figures. ‘I think you’ll like it,’ he says with a straight face before turning to walk away. I hear a sound that might be snickering as he disappears around the corner, but I’m too amazed at surviving a face-to-face encounter with him to notice. I look down at the package and peel back a corner of the wrapping. I find a sticker that reads, ‘For fans of Maiden, Priest, Accept, and Falconer.’ Oh my god! Has Christmas come early? Is Steel Druhm one of those “good” evil overlords?” Apes of wrath.
“One of the strangest things about entering middle age is that you are now old enough to see the cultural detritus of your formative years scooped up and reconfigured for new consumption. When younger people become enamored with the aesthetics of a prior decade and make new work in that vein, this can enliven the old aesthetic with a contemporary spin, or it can be lifelessly derivative (see: re-thrash).” Collect them all.
“I was certain this promo was a trap when Steel Druhm gave it to me. Metal Blade Records on my 4th review?! There has to be something catastrophically wrong with whatever is inside this zip file. What I soon found out was that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Skull Pit’s self-titled debut, but there’s a hell of a lot right with it.” Steel charity, iron n00b debt.
