“Metal is all about excess. Be as fast as possible. Be as slow as possible. Or, in Nekrofilth’s case, be as nasty as possible. Just take the lyrics of “Junkie Cunt,” from the band’s 2013 debut Devil’s Breath: “I want to squeeze your rotten tits/Your curdled cunt gets my cock so fucking hard!” Unless you’re trying to get rid of your in-laws, these aren’t the type of people you’d invite to your Christmas party.” Filthy masses.
“It’s always sad when a band has an internal branding dispute of such magnitude that it gives rise to two separate, but identical, entities. In this case, UK legends Venom are now forced to share a moniker with Venom Inc. and it may not be such a bad thing. Last year I reviewed the corporate crusher’s debut, Avé, where I waxed pompous over its unremarkable, but undeniably decent, content. Now, the black metal originals have returned with no less than their fifteenth studio album Storm the Gates.” Sounds of a poison fading.
“For years, throwback bands have charted the many tendrils of 80s influence ad infinitum, probably so well that you already know what Dread Reverence sounds like, don’t you? Maybe you do, but Blackrat don’t give a mouse’s patoot. For your listening pleasure, their third record provides only the finest selection of blackened thrashened crustened crust/thrash/black cuts, curated to slip even the sturdiest of discs. Dread Reverence is lean, mean, sounds like it was recorded by Fenriz as a teen, and desperately wants to be your friend. Won’t you take a spin on the throwback machine?” Wayback machines of wrath.
“What’s always been appealing about Deathhammer is their remarkably particular niche, one which nobody really knows they need until they hear it. Take the earliest Sodom and Slayer material, and pretend a band existed alongside them which kept more of the speed metal influence around and played their music with all the tact and professionalism of early Venom and you have a good idea of what to expect.” Bring down the Hammer.
“One dark and stormy night many years ago, some guy was in his attic listening to his vinyl copy of Bathory’s debut when he thought to himself, “I could make music like this!” It didn’t end there. It happened again. And again. And again. Now it’s 2018, and the number of bands that have taken influence from first wave black metal is so great you could probably build a bridge to Hawaii made solely from their goathead T-shirts. Diabolic Force is one of those bands, and if you thought this Brazilian trio were here to breathe fresh life into the style, you must have missed the fact that their new album is called Praise of Satan.” Satan is overexposed.
“During my last job interview, a favorite question of mine popped up: ‘What are your weaknesses?’ Because I don’t believe anything or anybody is perfect, I remember digging deep for a few strong examples of my shortcomings but being sure that I excluded the fact that I hate people. I also recall my mind wandering off to what many friends consider my greatest weakness: that I only listen to metal.” HR knows your weaknesses.
“My middle school biology teacher once said, ‘Once you stop growing, you literally start dying.’ His morbid sentiment was, of course, referring to one’s physical body, but in retrospect, I’ve adopted a more philosophical interpretation of that statement. In order to beat spiritual death, you need to continue growing, and that means continually pushing yourself. At first glance, this seems exactly the ethos Sathanas live by.” D.I.E. (Death in effect).
“What’s that? You’re tired of the progressive melodoom or whatever foofoo bullshit we’re giving Record o’ the Month to these days? Of course, you are. You want something heavier. Faster. Rawer. Something that feels like eating stale Chinese food out of a back alley garbage can while a stray cat gives birth in the background. We’ve all been there, and the solution is simple: Vomitor.” Vomitor, repeat as needed.
“Your parents, guidance counselor, and teachers were right: you don’t get a second chance at a first impression. This is why The Crown will always be a wonderfully over-the-top and high energy death-tinged thrash band to my ears. Deathrace King introduced me to their work, opening with the perfectly titled “Deathexplosion.” Johan Lindstrand’s shout of “FIRE!” over a fast, aggressive, and simple riff sold me on the band and their brand of metal immediately.” Snakes on speed.
“Looking back at what I wrote about Ektomorf’s Aggressor in 2015, I was clearly exasperated; Ektomorf seemed to lack some complexity or authenticity I was searching for in metal. Reviews reflect not just where the author was but what he thinks and why, if written successfully. On Fury, Ektomorf have predictably remained the same.” A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little bands.
