“What’s that? You’re tired of the progressive melodoom or whatever foofoo bullshit we’re giving Record o’ the Month to these days? Of course, you are. You want something heavier. Faster. Rawer. Something that feels like eating stale Chinese food out of a back alley garbage can while a stray cat gives birth in the background. We’ve all been there, and the solution is simple: Vomitor.” Vomitor, repeat as needed.
“In the curd kingdom of Powermetapolis, in the days just before World War III, things were not well. A cruel wizard, known as Dread Lord Chëëse, had descended upon Powermetapolis with his army — the Trite Trope Troop — and engulfed the lands in flames of predictable parmesan. The echoes of endless Epica clones haunted the air with their carbon-copy cries, over-the-top orchestral orchids had all but choked the indigenous metal flora into extinction, and the kingdom found itself reduced to a laughable shell of its former potential in the wake of the invading tides. Times were trvly tough for Powermetapolis, and in 2007 a group of a peculiar species known as Frenchmen formed an alliance known as Whyzdom, a musical militia whose mission was to bring back the life, the glory, and the powah to the kingdom.” Take the powah back!
“Much like their countrymen countrypeople fellow Austral beings in Portal, the only thing Grave Upheaval cherish more than cavernous production is their own obscurity — though this could be because Portal, Impetuous Ritual, and Grave Upheaval are the cast of a half-dozen or so shadowy musicians. Call them kvlt, call them private; the result is the second Grave Upheaval album once again untitled and once again filled with indecipherable moaning, squealing terrors, and suffocating doom-death.” In a cavern, no one can hear you spelunk.
“AV Club ran a recent piece on the best ever back-to-back-to-back run on an album. That site may not be brutal enough for you malcontents, but you know who is? Me. Inferi. 2014’s The Path of Apotheosis stands on its own merits, but the 6-7-8 of “Destroyer,” “Onslaught of the Covenant,” and “Marching Through the Flames of Tyranny” made that record. Alone, each could have been a song of the year contender; together, they drove me to get “Inferi” tattooed directly on my heart. Needless to say, the Nashville quintet set the bar for follow-up Revenant at an unrealistic level.” Expectations and tattoos.
“First of all, that’s a pretty cool name. The Dali Thundering Concept. Cool enough that it made me spend a couple of hours on the InterGoogle in an effort to discern its origins, but to no avail. Oh well. Here’s what I like about this French band: their music is a mish-mash of styles, including prog, deathcore, djent, and jazz. Aside from the –coreness, I’m up for it.” Loud Dali or no Dali at all!
“I enjoy Hellripper to a fairly significant extent. Last year’s full-length release tore up its thrash competition and took home fifth place in my top ten records of 2017, leading to my deeper exploration of his repertoire of splits and EPs. It’s fair to say that the little Scottish bundle of energy is one of my favorite discoveries from the past few years of metal. Where before I would have avoided promos tagged with speed metal, I now take note with the intention of unveiling the next underground speed gem.” Speed is a lifestyle choice.
“With the recent reunion of At the Drive-In, hopes have never been higher for a rekindling of the fire under the asses of Omar Rodríguez-López and Cedric Bixler-Zavala – a fire which produced the best prog rock albums of the 2000s. And given the rate at which Rodríguez-López currently produces LPs (about one a month for the past two years), it might not be long before there’s a new The Mars Volta album collecting saliva on turntables everywhere. But that doesn’t mean substitutes aren’t welcome.” We take whats we can gets.
“Being that I don’t listen to Greece’s Firewind, the first time I heard of guitarist/songwriting Gus G. was when he replaced Ozzy Osbourne’s Zakk Wylde. So, naturally, I hated the guy. I know, it’s not his fault, it’s the circumstances. Like when the Yankees dropped Don Mattingly in favor of Tino Martinez. He filled the position well and achieved some great things, but it’s hard to replace someone who’s been the face of an organization (or a band) for so long. At the end (as far as the Yanks go), it wasn’t a complete bust. And, for Ozzy, it didn’t fucking matter anyway. Regardless, both sets of shoes are big shoes to fill. But, before all this, Gus G. was the dude that released the guitar wanking “masterpiece,” Guitar Master.” G is for guitar-gasm.
“Located at the very tip of the African continent, South Africa may win the prize for ‘Most Accurate Country Name,’ challenged only by the uniformly low and flat Netherlands. Metal, however, is not what the nation is generally known for (apartheid and the guy who directed District 9 both rank higher, for instance.) In our extensive archives, only 9 articles bear a ‘South African Metal’ tag. Until today, that is, because Ruff Majik come forth from the shadows of Pretoria, the South African capital.” South Africa rising.
“Welcome to the wild hunt. We’ll be venturing deep into the twisted, intestinal forests of the Afterdream: a withered, multi-dimensional landscape suffused with snarling spirits that froth forth a vitriolic seed. If we survive, we’ll venture into the blackened bowels and through to the death-grip of the Afterdream’s thumping heart.” Tally ho!
