“Welcome, AMG Readership, to our sanguinary sect of worship. Feel at home in our black conventicle as we anathematize all of those who oppose us. Don’t summon the Devil, don’t call the priest. If you need the strength, then conjure Germany’s Schafott, whose debut album, The Black Flame, is set to smolder the soul with classic blackened thrash.” Devotees will carve Slayer in their arm before returning to the cvlt.
“From the slightly out of focus and over-exposed band photos to the chrome plated logo that wouldn’t be out of place adorning the packaging of a bootleg Thundercats toy, Vulture have gone to great lengths to make it seem like they’ve been around for decades. Even the (rather excellent) album art has been carefully rendered to deceive, with faint nicks and scratches baked in to mimic a record that’s been manhandled and left in a crate for aeons.” Faux-olde.
“Drawing from a variety of influences such as math-metal, metalcore, industrial, prog and even pop, The Hirsch Effekt aren’t afraid to challenge convention, but in doing so, they run the risk of being swallowed by their own ambition. The inclusion of a bold language like German could prove to be a volatile addition to an already fractious mix or it could be the epoxy that holds everything together. A salivating proposition.” Die Bart die.
“Grier walks through swinging double–doors; their rectangular plates and white panels smudged by hundreds of dirty, desperate hands. Along the decades–old, re-waxed checkerboard floors of sun–bleached white and black, the vulnerable Doctor approaches the receptionist’s desk. ‘The doctor is waiting.’ The distinguished Grier makes his way through the buzzer–kept door to the far–end of the faux–marbled hallway. He turns the doorknob to Room 17. Beyond the stuttering fluorescent bulbs overhead, the Doctor finds “Dr.” Landau seated at a walnut–stained desk, just this side of the cherry–red built–ins—bookshelves filled with volumes as convincing as the toupee positioned upon Landau’s head. Grier walks to the glossy, chocolate–brown sofa positioned in the middle of the room. He lies back. Landau looks upon the weathered face and sleep–deprived eyes of the patient. He knows well the sickness the patient suffers.” Physician, heal thyself!
“Sadness. A quintessentially unpleasant emotion we go out of our way to avoid in this brief, meaningless slog we call life. Why then is it such an essential element in music, you ask? Because as intrinsically flawed creatures, humans love to revel in melancholy and pain. We do it when already saddled with crippling plights, and we seek it out even when times are good. We just get an undeniable and perverse pleasure from diving into the darkness for short periods of miserable introspection. Germany’s End of Green has been serving the depression tourism market since 1996, and Void Estate is their ninth platter of uber-sadboy goth metal.” Get your void on.
“Who says being generic is a bad thing? Loads of people love mashed potatoes. Applebee’s makes millions off of Stockholm syndrome victims everyday. Ed Sheeran gets universal radio play despite being the musical equivalent of 160 pounds of Applebee’s mashed potatoes. Eons ago, before departing for the Undying Lands, Happy Metal Guy dropped the G-bomb a whopping seven times to describe German melodeath act Dawn of Disease.” We can’t all be trailblazers.
“You receive a promo for a band. You quite like how said-band sound, but after a while said-band leave you a bit underwhelmed. So, you leave them for a few days. You listen to other bands, refresh yourself with classics of days-gone-by and other new releases, then go back to said-band. Hmm. Still quite good, but there’s something missing. A big empty space. A lack of imagination? And this leads to an inability to write an engaging opening paragraph to your review. Kavrila are from Hamburg, Germany and play doom-punk on their debut Blight and are influenced heavily by post-hardcore. That was easy.” Was it though?
“Accept has been around so long, churning out the same kind of old school Germanic metal that they’ve essentially become a younger, heavier version of AC/DC. This isn’t a bad thing really, as AC/DC is known for consistency and sticking to their (big) guns. Accept has charted a similar course, delivering album after album of rocking 80s style metal with just enough melody and quasi-pop-acumen.” Give in to the rising.
“When I happened upon As Darkness Falls, the third album by German trio Deny The Urge, the hairs on my back stood up, my eyes squinted in curiosity, and I braced myself for the worse. Is this death metal, or is this “death metal”?” Yes it is.
“OK, so maybe I don’t have Netflix and, maybe, I thought Twitter was a porn site. And, maybe, I haven’t owned or played a video game in two decades or watched my beloved Yankees whip the Red Sox in over five years. And, maybe, the reason is that I don’t watch TV (or have one). So what if I like to sit around with my old man and talk about the Battle of Franklin? What if I like to have my breakfast at 4:30 every morning? And, so what if it’s currently 4 am right now? Maybe I have gray in my beard. Maybe I have gray in my pubes. That doesn’t make me fucking old. It’s not my fault I’m way more mature and far busier than the rest of you. You want old? Go find Huck, Steel, and Rage.”Silver and olde, silver and olde.
