Reviews

Zombies Ate My Girlfriend – Retrocide Review

Zombies Ate My Girlfriend – Retrocide Review

“I never got into the modern zombie craze. Maybe I just had too much of it when I was younger: in high school I played the Gamecube Resident Evil reboots with religious fervor and watched more George A. Romero movies than was probably healthy…thus, you can imagine my sentiments when assigned a promo from a South African band called Zombies Ate My Girlfriend. Not only is that moniker absolutely terrible, it blatantly panders to a trend that was stale two years ago – a trend that I never gave a shit about in the first place. However, as I learned with Calm Hatchery, a bad moniker doesn’t always equate to bad music.” Terrible name, terrible cover, but it’s the music that counts, you elitist snobs!

Legion of Andromeda – Iron Scorn Review

Legion of Andromeda – Iron Scorn Review

“I must have had the phrase “Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge” drilled into my head by every music teacher imaginable. Everybody practices chords and scales repeatedly, right? Riffs? Solos? You have to in order to succeed in anything. Well, how about songs? Japan’s newest export in industrialized noise metal, Legion of Andromeda, have set out to challenge your notions of what noise and repetition can create via their debut, Iron Scorn.” And who doesn’t like fudge?

Seven Year Storm – Aion I Review

Seven Year Storm – Aion I Review

“It was before a long journey that I haphazardly shoved all my new music on to my iPod, paying no regard to the attached one sheets and band biographies. Having never heard their material before, it was without expectation or even awareness of genre that I approached Seven Year Storm’s début EP Aion I.” Road trip music is important. Does the rubber meet the road here?

Wind Rose – Wardens of the West Wind Review

Wind Rose – Wardens of the West Wind Review

“I’ll admit that I had to Google what a “wind rose” was whilst writing this review. Coming across as a standard-issue unfortunate but flowery power metal name, and I had awful lines like “kiss from a Wind Rose,” “every Wind Rose has it’s thorn,” and all manner of flatulence puns at the ready.” Bad band names don’t guarantee bad music, but c’mon! Nice font though.

Nocturna – Lucidity Review

Nocturna – Lucidity Review

“Given AMG and Steel Druhm’s well-documented love for power metal (Sonata Arctica, Riot, Edguy), it’s difficult to claim high profile names within the genre for review. The reviews I just linked were all within the last eight months, and 2015 alone has already seen well-received releases from Blind Guardian, Angra and Orden Ogan. Aside from demonstrating the corrupt poseurs masquerading as our leaders, this leaves us meager staff writers scraping the bottom of the power metal barrel…” Did El Cuervo just call the Metal Tribunal corrupt? That’s a paddlin’ offense.

Primitive Man – Home Is Where the Hatred Is Review

Primitive Man – Home Is Where the Hatred Is Review

“Loud, heavy, dense, raging, lacking any sort of subtlety or nuance – rarely has a band been so aptly named as Primitive Man. Self-releasing their debut to critical acclaim both here and across the metalogosphere, they followed it up with a series of splits before being snapped up by Relapse for their latest outburst of hatred. Their approach has remained pretty consistent across these releases: crank everything up until it feeds back, then hammer out the most repulsive blackened sludge they can conjure.” Better call your local Department of Sludge Control.

Deivos – Theodicy Review

Deivos – Theodicy Review

Theodicy bustles with riffs, brutal growls, blastbeats and all of the traditional trappings of brutal death. True, there are moments of mechanical-sounding electronics to split up the songs and provide a quantum of atmosphere, but deep down, Deivos haven’t made Theodicy in an attempt to challenge or revolutionize the genre.” Brootal death that something…but what?

Mourning Mist – Mourning Mist Review

Mourning Mist – Mourning Mist Review

“This was a bear of an album to review. Let me elaborate a bit for clarification… it’s not just because Italy’s Mourning Mist are a new band with precious little background besides having bassist/vocalist Kvasir (also of Profezia and Abhor) in their ranks, as well as a violinist. Hell, violins in metal ain’t nothing new, right?” Not at all, but when will someone incorporate some balalaika?