“What better way to start 2015 than with a smack in the face by 120 lbs. of steaming, internally conflicted cheddar? That’s right, Battle Beast is back after their disappointing eponymous album, and they sound even more confused than when they made the dubious leap from the raucous, over the top Euro-power of their wondrous Steel debut to hair metal influenced pop-power.” Head of a lion, wings of a bat, feet of limburger.
“If there was ever a band making music because they wanted to and not caring if anyone else liked it, Zero Down is it. These cats have been lurking in the most obscure corners of metaldom since 2002 and managed to self release three prior albums, with No Limit to the Evil being the latest. They rock an olden style of metal something like a mash up of British Steel era Judas Priest mixed with Motorhead, hard rock and punk, and in all honestly, it’s a bit of a hot mess.” That cover says a lot, but doesn’t tell the whole story.
“England’s Eye of Solitude floored the unsuspecting masses last year with the epic Canto III, a funeral doom masterpiece that made them a band to watch out for. Hell, it even landed at #2 on my Top Ten(ish) Albums of 2013 list. Not ones to sit back and rest on their funeral wreaths, they return with Dear Insanity, an ambitious 50-minute, one song EP chronicling a man’s decent into utter chaos and insanity. Seeing as how they quite remarkably captured feelings of doom and despair with Canto III, they’re sure to replicate that magic again, right?” Insanity is calling 50 minutes of music an EP!
“I must admit I was pretty excited when I first read about San Francisco’s Lotus Thief, a duo consisting of musicians that are also members of Botanist. The promo blurb and various press snippets mentioned buzzwords like “space metal”, touches of avant-garde, and experimentalism which was enough to tickle my interest. Knowing how great the music from their other project was, I dug into Lotus Thief’s debut Rervm with a lot of expectations.” Expectations are a lot like chocolates. Too many make you die and otherwise ruin shit.
“I got a bit sidetracked while writing this review trying to chart the rise of rethrash (thanks Encyclopaedia Metallum!). Since 2003, the proportion of thrash albums to all metal albums released per year has, perhaps surprisingly, stayed constant at around 16%. However, the proportion of new thrash bands to new metal bands forming per year (going back to 1995) peaked at 23% in 2006, and had shrunk to 14% last year. Entrench formed just prior to peak thrash in 2005, releasing a string of demos before unleashing their debut full length, Inevitable Decay, in 2011. What can my thrashnalysis tell us about their music? Fuck all really, but it’s some pretty good trivia, eh?” When the numbers geeks get into the metal review business, you get thrashnalysis. Just go with it and take copious notes.
“Following these guys is like dating someone with a serious mood disorder. Sure, the wild emotional swings keep it interesting, but the payoff is rarely worth the effort. Bloodbound started out as a throwback traditional metal act, releasing an excellent debut which benefitted greatly from the considerable vocal talents of Urban Breed (ex-Tad Morose, ex-Pyramaze). Breed left thereafter but their sophomore outing was solid nonetheless, and he returned once again for the very good Tabla Rasa outing. He then bailed again, leaving the band to utilize the talents of Patrik “Pata” Johansson for 2011s Unholy Cross, which had moments, but was ultimately too generic to pass muster. Then came the abomination of 2012s In the Name of Metal, which only served to give metal a bad name.” Where will the mood ring take us next? To Westeros, of course!
“Without fail, I always seem to come back to my mass of Swedish death metal albums in a given calendar year. During that time, I pass from album to album, band after band of angry-at-the-world vocals, heavy-as-hell riffs, and the bludgeoning anti-Christian, death, and war themes. Much like the thrash movement in the States, there are arguments over the “Big Four” of the genre.” And guess who isn’t getting included in anyone’s list?
“As you might recall, nearly every metal writer’s Top 10 lists last year was dominated by Liverpool’s other Fab Four…that’s right, Carcass. Surgical Steel, their first album in 17 years, was an unfuckwithable slab of near-perfection that easily held its own against their ’90s classics. So when I heard that an EP of outtakes from those sessions was being released, I was justifiably pumped.” New Carcass is like an early Christmas…or is it?
“You know how Kurt Cobain killed Hair Metal? Of course you know; we’ve been through this already. He didn’t. Yes folks, it’s time for your second dose of hair metal in under a month! You see, while AMG has been distracted dealing with Steel Druhm’s incessant efforts to inject more Jorn onto the site by any means necessary, I’ve launched my own elaborately coiffured campaign to restyle Angry Metal Guy into the far more fabulous Hair Metal Guy.” Jorn in the U.S.A.!
“Some bands make fans wait years between releases and drive them bonkers with their lack of productivity. Others like Finland’s Decaying release an album every year like clockwork. One to Conquer is the fourth album I’ve been dealt since joining AMG and though they started as a blackened death act, they quickly morphed into war metal enthusiasts, taking heavy inspiration from Bolt Thrower, Hail of Bullets and Asphyx.” The war goes on, but some must be sent to the rear to do the filing.
