“Though absurd on so many levels, let’s imagine what it would be like to combine the aggressiveness of Down’s ‘Lifer’ and the catchiness of ‘On March the Saints’ with the comeback power of Machine Head’s ‘Imperium’ and the apocalyptic ‘Halo,’ all wrapped up in VH1’s second favorite grunge band, Alice in Chains. That must mean Damn Your Eyes’ debut record, Kill the Outside, sounds like ‘Aesthetics of Hate’-meets-‘Down in a Hole’-meets-‘Bury Me in Smoke,’ right? Wrong.” Damn you ears.
With its (albeit impressive) focus on sprawling song structures and meandering songwriting, progressive metal just never tickled me pink in a way that’s really stuck. Serbian five-piece Dead Frog, who I can only assume repeatedly lost at Frogger, offers their own contribution, channeling in equal measure the progressive metal giants, the alternative rock of Linkin Park, the classic heavy metal feel of Iron Maiden.” Splat.
“Last year, no fewer than eight AMG staff members placed Queen of Time by Amorphis somewhere on their year end list. If you’re reading this and happen to be one of the eight people whose names are written in bolded burnt orange in support of that album on this page — especially if your name starts with Angry and ends in Guy — please stop reading now and go about your business elsewhere. I’ll be honest with you, I never once made it all the way through that album in one sitting despite trying in earnest six times. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot to love on Queen of Time, but that’s just it — there’s a lot of it. The sugary melodies are great, but the album and most of its songs are far too long and there is not enough heaviness to balance out the pop. I was content to remain silent in my dissent until I began spinning Godsend, the fourth record from a different Finnish band, Bloodred Hourglass.” Hourglass houses and stones.
“Diviner’s Fallen Empires debut was one of the happy little surprises of 2015, offering a burly, beefy and catchy fusion of Iced Earth and Brainstorm. It was easy to digest traditional metal with a bit of Euro-power flair – simple, straight forward and heavy enough to satisfy. Now these Greek metal warriors return with the followup, Realms of Time and it seems the band used their down time wisely. All the things they did well last time have been improved upon. The music is heavier, but even catchier, and the hooks dig deeper than before as they pull out all the stops to make a humdinger of a classic heavy metal album.” Divine right.
“I realize I use the phrase ‘ad nauseam’ too much, and I also apologize a lot. I took two years of Latin in high school, which was pretty cool in ways I didn’t foresee. So you would think I would have the basic knowledge to tell you what ‘ad nauseam’ means, but I had to Google it only to be embarrassed by its obvious meaning: ‘to nausea’ or ‘to a nauseating degree.’ Just like deathcore!” Down with the deathness.
“As the undisputed Lord of Bench Press Stats at AMG’s Skull Pit Ironworks[1. Ferrous’ feeble disputes are hereby disallowed.], I simply could not pass up reviewing a band called Pectora. Any act brave enough to name themselves thusly deserved to come under the piercing gaze of Steel, and I admittedly grabbed it with an eye toward the endless weight lifting jokes it would afford me. But something happened on the way to the Power Rack and lo and behold, this Danish act’s debut is a righteous dose of traditional dumbbell metal highly suitable for serious gym time.” No Pectora, no gain.
“In the topsy-turvy life of a metal reviewer, there will be bands that you can’t help but root for. Maybe it’s their personal affability or because they’re trying something new or unusual. Sometimes you’re not even sure why you’re kindly disposed toward a specific band. Enter West of Hell, a quasi-thrash/traditional metal collective made up of bandmates from Canada and New Zealand. Their most famous member is one Chris “the Heathen” Valagao, who’s best known for his time in Zimmer’s Hole, and Blood of the Infidel is the outfit’s second release.” Miles from restraint.
“In my lifelong quest to listen to every blackened thrash band on the planet I came across Usurper, a Chicago quartet who possessed a particularly heavy and ghoulish take on the style. Formed in 1993, the band sounded like if Celtic Frost had continued writing albums like To Mega Therion well into the 90s. Following several albums in this vein the band adopted a catchier approach with 2005’s Cryptobeast that made them even more fun to listen to. Sadly the group disbanded in 2007 before they could explore this direction further. But does any split really last forever these days?” No longer than a death in a comic book.
“It’s funny how bands try to embellish their true nature through genre tags sometimes. Metalcore often tries to lay claim to melodic death metal, probably because it causes less out-of-hand rejection. Progressive metal promos are a minefield of djent bands, which can be progressive but are often anything but. Another one to be wary of is groove metal. Groove metal doesn’t have a great reputation in and of itself, and it’s bound to degrade further with the amount of nu-metal bands co-opting the term. Blacklist-9 (written randomly with or without hyphen even on the band’s own sources) ostensibly play groove metal.” Adding to the list.
“In my younger years, extreme metal baffled me. My untrained ears were often unable to follow the complex riffs and fast tempos, making it impossible to assess music quality. To me, it was all simply fast, scary, and incomprehensible. I remember scouring metal forums for hours to learn which albums were the “classics,” only to listen to them and question why they were considered as such. If this is a “good” extreme metal album, I would wonder, what does a “bad” one sound like? In this regard, I almost wish The Ventriloquist had existed back then. Because it would have provided the perfect answer to that question.” Bad lip reading.
