“Metalcore. Deathcore. The ever nebulous ‘melodic metal.’ These are tags that discomfit discerning metalheads like myself. In those rare moments where I experience the excitement for a new release in these genres, as I did with Russia’s Quiescency, the worst case is that my anticipation overinflates. Since the band announced Message for Lamb roughly forever ago, my expectations for their debut record swiftly reached an unreasonable altitude. Alas, what goes up must come down.” Lamb stewed.
“While Svart Crown have never shied away from ambitious concepts, Wolves Among the Ashes presents, for better or worse, the most direct sublimation of extramusical ideas in their style. Initially, the music is as demented as the psychological and sociological madness they choose to explore.” Wolves and madmen.
“It’s easy to underestimate the importance of what song to select as a single. Most of the time, this will be the first point of contact for prospective new fans, and where they will decide whether the music at hand is to their tastes. So a single must show the full spectrum of a band’s music at their best, but in a digestible manner. My first sampling of Unzucht came from advance single “Nein,” and my snap judgement discarded the band as a poor Rammstein imitation.” Judging books by covers.
“We pretend not to, but we forget about bands all the time here. I forgot about – what’s that band? – Fear Factory last week and just now forgot that my last introduction was also about forgetting. In part I have to blame the burning n00b fumes, skull pit wounds, and brain-hemorrhaging metalcore for the memory loss. Likewise, I could tell you that I forget stuff because my brain runs on eight-inch floppy discs, but in reality I made the transition to 3.5” years ago and am just bad at keeping current. Suffice it to say that I forgot about Moloken.” Remind him to always remember.
“Goblinsmoker’s Toad King began a narrative arc about amphibious forest dwellers who are served by a goblin underclass. A Throne In Haze… is the second installment of the planned trilogy. While fun, this story is superfluous, since the lyrics are sparse and delivered in an unintelligible blackened rasp. A Throne In Haze... is a trim 26 minutes over three songs, and it’s all riffs, baby.” Let them eat riffs.
“Boy, are you all in for a treat today. Our resident Sepultura reviewer, Dr. Fisting, has gone into hiding, conveniently around the time the Quadra promo became available. With nobody else raising their hand, and me having some time on mine, I said “If you want some Canadian idiot to take a stab at it, here I am.” There’s a caveat, though: the number of minutes I’ve spent listening to Sepultura over the past thirty-four years can be counted on one finger. So you’re not getting a review today from some lifelong fan who hates the fact that certain people aren’t in the band anymore.” Tabla rasa.
“Those who know me barely at all or better can confirm that I will listen to anything. Indiscriminately. Without hesitation. Unless it’s thrash metal or doom metal or speed metal. With these three subgenres of my beloved I am picky, who knows why. Assassin belong to the thrash metal category. Established in 1984 under their current moniker (they spent one or two years under the name Satanica), Assassin only have a few titles under their bullet belt. This is due to a breakup in 1989, but after reuniting in 2002 the band has released material steadily every few years or so.” Old dogs, old tricks.
“The rubber costumes, Halloween-themed perversions, and Rob Zombie-meets-’80s hair metal ditties aren’t on the list of ‘Things Metalheads Need.’ Yet, their Gwar-ish concepts spring up every couple of years as the Metal Monster Squad’s own songs (?) summon them via radio shows hosted by either Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider or Rockin’ Ralph Ruiz. And they don’t seem to care if you want what they have to offer or not—even if they’ve done it some ten times in twice as many years. And, only God/Satan knows, but there’s a handful of you sick sonsabitches out there that enjoy this crap. So, this review of Killection (A Fictional Compilation Album) is for you. Be ashamed of yourself.” Monster, Inc.
“Born in America’s literal heart of steel, Ironflame makes music that lives and breathes those heroic values. The brainchild of one Andrew D’Cagna (Nechochwen, ex-Obsequiae), the band specializes in true heavy metal, championing the styles of their musical forbears in Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, and Dio.” Blood for the power gods!
“I’m about to drop a reality bomb on you that you’re probably already aware of; genre tags, on a collective whole, are oftentimes bullshit. Yes, I’m sure you’ve known that for ages, but when a band is characterized as a particular strain of metal, it’s either because the review writer in question needs some neat, easily identifiable box to put a band into so the listener can gauge whether or not the band is right for them, or said band is vastly stretching the idea of what they sound like to ridiculous lengths.” Rumble bumble.
